Let’s face it, Hollywood will never make a New Years resolution that they’ll keep for more than a few seconds after delivering their list, but that’s not going to stop us from offering up these resolutions for Hollywood to co-op as their own anyway. It took a couple of days, and a lot of hard work (no, really), but I’ve managed to come up with 7 New Years resolutions that Hollywood should make — and keep.
(So why only 7 resolutions, and not a well-rounded 10? Um, because I could only think of 7.)
Resolution #1: No More Asian Horror Movie Remakes
The Asian Horror movie craze has already died down in Asia, where even the native audiences for the genre are starting to spurn them, but Hollywood continues to buy them for remakes on U.S. shores anyway, thanks in no small part two a handful of producers (and you know who you are) who can’t spell “original”, much less steer towards it. If the trailer for the upcoming “One Missed Call” remake doesn’t look absolutely horrid to you, then you absolutely, positively have no ability to judge quality, and should be shot. The “One Missed Call” remake also points out the current state of the Asian horror scene: the original film was nothing more than a cheap quickie rip-off of “The Ring”, thus making the Hollywood remake a remake of a derivative film. How sad is that?
Resolution #2: No More Wannabe Trilogies
Oh, “Matrix”, what have thou wrought? Unless a movie needs a trilogy, why does every new movie has to be announced as the first part of an “expected trilogy”? The latest continuation of the Terminator franchise hasn’t even spat out a new installment yet, and the producers are already calling it the first of a trilogy; and wasn’t the Doug Liman movie “Jumper” already announced as the first of a possible trilogy, too? Look, unless a movie has the words “Lord” or “Bourne” in the title, I don’t want to hear that you’re planning a trilogy. Try making the first movie good first, and then start thinking about making a second one, much less a third. Or, maybe you should realize a good thing and stop at #2. “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”, anyone?
Resolution #3: No More Straight-to-DVD Sequels to Moderately Successful Movies
Okay, so your movie is a hit. Why not a sequel indeed? But when your movie is barely a success (say, it made a buck more than you spent on it), why do you have to subject us to not one, but two sequels that will be invariably shot back-to-back? Did “Dracula 2000” really make that much money to warrant two DTV sequels? Were there really that many people crying for not one, but two sequels to “The Prophecy”? Okay, so maybe a DTV sequel/remake of “Road House” was a result of the film gaining (shockingly) a cult following in the decades since its release, but who was actually pining away for not one, but two sequels to the “Walking Tall” remake? Spare us your quickie sequels, Hollywood, and concentrate on the original ones that you’re not embarrassed to release into theaters instead.
Resolution #4: Stop Making Movies With Stars No One Wants to Pay Money to See
Seriously, how many movies written around a lead character played by Nicole Kidman have made any amount of money at the box office? Nicole Kidman as a co-star, or the love interest, is understandable; but why in the world would anyone voluntarily spend millions on a movie starring an actress no one is really all that interested in seeing play the lead? I don’t mean to pick on Nicole Kidman, but she’s a perfect example of this problem. Another example is Ben Affleck. Holy God. When was the last time a movie “starring Ben Affleck” made any money? I can’t think of any. Can you? Pay attention, Hollywood, the moviegoing public is trying to send you a message: Stop spending millions on movies starring people we don’t want to pay money to go see!
Resolution #5: Solve the Goddamn Writer’s Strike
This is getting ridiculous. While millionaire writers and producers are bickering over who gets how much of what royalties, the little guys who depend on TV shows and movies going into production are losing their jobs left and right. Seriously, Mister Producer and Mister Big Time Writer, do you really think Joe Blow who paints your movie or TV show sets care if you get however many percentage of those online royalties? No. All he cares about is that he’s going to have to find another job to keep his family eating, because unlike you two jackasses, Joe Blow doesn’t have residuals or his two houses in Malibu to fall back on in the year or two you’re going to be striking. So solve the Goddamn writer’s strike already, you assholes. You’re costing people jobs, and you’re flooding our TV with crappy Reality TV programming to boot.
Resolution #6: More Filmmakers Should Blog, and Mean It
How great was it that Michael Bay has his own site that he posted images from “Transformers” on whenever he got the chance? Or what Rob Cohen is doing right now with the latest “Mummy” film? Or Zach Snyder and his “Watchmen” site? It’s one of the most innovative, and yet so elusive, thing for filmmakers to do — it’s so easy, and yet so confounding why so many more filmmakers don’t even bother. Then again, if these filmmakers want to blog about the production of their movies, the least they can do is update them. When was the last time Lexi Alexander updated her “Punisher” blog, by the way? I think it was in 1999. On the flip side, look at what Jon Favreau is doing with “Iron Man”. I swear, even if this movie ends up sucking (which is highly unlikely), what Favreau has done vis-à-vis the fans is just groundbreaking, and as a fan, I really appreciate his efforts.
Resolution #7: Idiotic Viral Marketing Must Be Stopped
One word: “Cloverfield”. If you’re one of those people who thinks all the Cloverfield viral marketing is somehow genius, you need to get a life. Let’s face it, it’s bad enough that as the owner of a movie site, I have to cover all this viral marketing junk, but now they’re getting less and less meaningful. I don’t know who they’re hiring to do this stuff, but these guys must go to Confuse The Hell Out of Them College, because 9 out of 10 times these viral marketing sites and gimmicks just make me scratch my head. When viral marketing works, they’re fun, but when they don’t, they’re just a waste of everyone’s time, and the biggest suckers are the studios who are paying for them. What a bunch of chumps!
Now obviously Hollywood isn’t going to come together and take my resolutions and follow them, but man, wouldn’t it be nice if they did? Hey, I can dream, can’t I?