5 Reasons to Love Uwe Boll (Instead of Hating Him with a Passion)

Okay, so he’s the maker of bad, bad, really bad movies based on videogames. How one man can love videogames so much (the dude is, like, in his ’40s!) to make so many movies based on videogames is a mystery I don’t think anyone can really answer, and I doubt if the man himself knows. Using a combination of a smooth tongue (how does he talk people into investing and acting in these awful movies???) and a loophole in the German tax system that allows him to fund his expensive movies, Uwe Boll has build up an oeuvre that is as impressive as it is horrid. And while you are free to dislike the man for his bad movies, we think there are some good in him, as Luke Skywalker would say, and as a result, we present you with 5 good reasons to love Uwe Boll. Or at least, hate him just a little bit less.

#5. His Movies Suck So Much They’re Brilliant

Who hasn’t watched an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and thought, “Dudes, I can so totally do that!” Well now you can, with the help of Uwe Boll’s movies. Yes, they’re so Godawful that you can pop in a DVD copy, get some bros together, pop some longnecks, and go to town on them.

If you insist on doing this, may I recommend the completely atrocious, beyond-incompetent “House of the Dead” as a starter? Mind you, not that picking any of his films out of bag completely at random wouldn’t do just as well, but you know, “House of the Dead” is especially horrific as to be a good starting point. And for this little (though admittedly unwitting) guilty pleasure that he provides us MST3K wannabes, we think you should cut Uwe Boll a break.

#4. He Will Beat You Up

In a bit of catharsis for himself and his critics, in 2006 Uwe Boll famously dared his critics to literally go into the ring with him to duke it out. He gave five Internet critics the opportunity to do to him what they’ve done to his movies — i.e. ravage them mercilessly. He fought all five and apparently beat every one, with plans to put the boxing matches in his next opus, the “9/11 is funny” epic “Postal”. Although to be fair, only one of the critics had any fighting experience as an amateur boxer, while the rest were, as you might expect, untrained, pale, lamb to the slaughter, while Boll himself has box before in the past.

In a press release after the fight, Uwe Boll beamed: “I like now the critics… Everybody who was in the ring showed (guts). Nobody dived.” By which he means, “Thanks for letting me beat you up, you out of shape Internet morons.” So if for no other reason than he might come after you, you should probably be nice to Uwe Boll.

#3. He Actually Knows That His Movies Suck

In all the interviews that I’ve seen of Uwe Boll, he seems to be “in on the joke”, as it were, and knows that his movies suck. The problem is that he just doesn’t know how to fix it, because “fixing” it would mean removing himself as the director, and the guy really, really, really wants to direct, even if the products end up really, really, really crappy.

In a reply to one critic’s negative article on him, Boll stated: “If he cannot see that scenes (for example WELFARE OFFICE, Job Interview) are genius in that movie - then there are 2 possibilities: he is dump and has no idea what movies are or he hates me and is dissappointed about his own shitty career.”

Okay, so maybe Uwe isn’t actually in on the joke, but if that’s the case, then this is the type of delusions of grander that we can get behind! And really, how could you hate a guy who is this delusional about the sucktacular nature of his own movies? But personally, I still think Uwe Boll is in on the joke, he just can’t stop himself.

#2. He Doesn’t Give a Shit

So you don’t like Uwe Boll’s movies? Well guess what, he doesn’t give a shit. The man’s movies are savagely criticized and his talents berated constantly (and oftentimes before the films themselves actually come out!), and yet Uwe Boll continues to make movies and sleep with three high-priced call girls at the same time in fancy hotel rooms stocked with booze.

For all the ink and Internet space devoted to trying to stop him from making yet another movie based on an ’80s videogame, Uwe Boll just doesn’t give a shit. As he famously replied to one critic, “…and no go to your mum and fuck her …because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it. people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.”

Okay, so I don’t know what that means, but I’m guessing it’s akin to, “I don’t give a shit.”

Just for sheer persistence, the man deserves a big hand. Or at least, a finger or two.

#1. He Got Them Made

The true genius of Uwe Boll, and the #1 reason why you should cut him some slack, is that despite his total incompetence behind the camera and general inability to tell a coherent, logical story (when asked why he got rid of the original script for “Alone in the Dark”, Boll said because it didn’t have enough car chases), he keeps getting his movies made.

How, you ask? By taking full advantage of a German tax law that rewards people who puts money into film production. Sure, he took full advantage of the tax break, but if the German people didn’t want him doing so, they shouldn’t have put the damn thing into law! So yes, while Uwe Boll’s movies generally suck the big donkey balls, the fact that the man keeps getting them made, against all odds (you can’t hide the fact that your movies stink and make almost no money, for instance), makes him a lot smarter than most of us.

So yes, hate him all you want, but while he’s out there living the dream (making movies and trying to get into Tara Reid’s pants), we’re stuck behind a computer bitching about him. Who’s the sucker now?