9 Rules For a Long and Healthy Career as an Action Movie Henchman

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Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass (2010) Movie Image

They’re cute until they pop a cap in yo ass.

I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, look, an 8-year old! How dangerous can an 8-year old be?” Well think again, buddy. Kids in action movies tend to be precocious as hell, and while they’re sometimes easy to capture (especially early on in your boss’ master plan), keeping them is another matter entirely. They can be incredibly resourceful, and don’t even get me started on the smart, nerdy ones. Kids nowadays know more about gadgets than you, the everyday schmoe/henchman, ever will. And the sassy ones, besides the smart mouth that’s liable to drive you nuts, just don’t know when to quit. It’s best to avoid them completely, and if you should end up stuck guarding them, see Rule #3.

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Author: Nix

Editor/Writer at BeyondHollywood.com. Likes: long walks on the beach and Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic movies. Dislikes: 3D, shaky cam, and shaky cam in 3D. Got a site issue? Wanna submit Movie/TV news? Or to email me in regards to anything on the site, you can do so at nix (at) beyondhollywood.com.
  • Brent McKnight

    Don’t stand to close to Al Leong, I’ve lived my life by this code, and it has served me well thus far.

    • http://www.beyondhollywood.com/ Nix

      There is just no Al Leong equivalent in today’s cinema, sadly. Even Trejo’s gone good.

      • ErickKwon

        I blame that on the homogenization of henchmen in today’s cinema. Compare the henchteam from “Die Hard” (Leong, Huey Lewis at the front desk, the brother with the tiny feet, bald ponytail at the elevator doors, the black guy) versus Bane’s crew in ‘TDKR”. Only guys I remember from “TDKR” are Teal’c and the stoned out looking dude with the bandolier of .50 ammo

    • shonuff

      Ah…. Al. I remember my pre-IMDB days when I just referred to him as level boss.