A Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Review — Verdict: IT BLOWS

If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking, when it comes to “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” these thoughts: “Okay, so sure, the movie doesn’t sound all that great, and the PG rating seems really lame, but really, how bad could it possibly be?” Um, apparently it can be really, really bad. At least, according to one reviewer who sent in his opinions on the movie to the blokes over at AICN. Does the phrase, “No hope” give it away? Read on for the evisceration…

Excerpts from the review:

Did it work? Did they abandon the goofy nature of the first film and reinvigorate the franchise with an epic story about the fate of the entire planet. No on both counts. The humor is entirely aimed at children (which goes along with its PG rating.) “˜Thing’ is played for laughs without any degree of intensity. Johnny Storm’s crisis of conscience robs all of the charisma established in the first (even if it wasn’t much.) Sue Storm is more of a nag than an asset to the team. In addition, there is nothing to signify Reed Richards as the leader to a powerful team of superheroes. He comes off as a self-esteem deprived, blowhard jackass. There isn’t one iota of chemistry between any of the characters. The wretched family dynamics are trumped only by Dr. Doom, who can only be described as the worst villain to ever grace the screen. Julian McMahon’s portrayal of Victor Von Doom seems barely suited for a Sci-Fi cable channel movie, let alone a mega-budget studio film (not that they always choose the best talent, but come on!).

For a story such as this, the amount of claustrophobia throughout, borders on pure agony. It lacks anything even resembling “˜scope of vision.’ The only audience “˜Rise of the Silver Surfer’ is suited for is children between the ages of 5 & 10. Anyone over that age looking for an entertaining piece of escapism will run into a wall of condescension.

Ouch.

But wait, there are good news! (Well, sort of.) The Silver Surfer, says the reviewer, rocks.

The Surfer is phenomenal (with the exception being Lawrence Fishburne’s distracting voice). His entire body seemed to be in constant motion. I was mesmerized for every moment he was on screen. The special effects team did an outstanding job. However, what is perplexing about the look of the Surfer is what it did to the other special effects. Reed’s ability to stretch looked even more unnatural than in the first. Sue’s shield, Johnny’s fire, everything else was sidelined. It was as if the team only concentrated on The Surfer.

The reviewer also thinks the ending blows, and mentions that it involves something that happens to the Silver Surfer.

It is horrible. It makes no sense and it will enrage fans even more than Alba being cast as Sue Storm.

So what’s the big plot twist ending of “Rise of the Silver Surfer”? Did the Silver Surfer become Norman Radd, bald alien dude again? Did he die? Did he fly off into the sunset to face a (cloud) Galactus? Did he and Sue Storm hop into the sack together to make silver invisible little babies? And what’s the deal with having Morpheus voice the Surfer? That’s just so wrong.

Read the rest of the review here.

“The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” sucks out loud June 15th, 2007.

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About Nix

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Editor/Writer at BeyondHollywood.com. Likes: long walks on the beach and Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic movies. Dislikes: 3D, shaky cam, and shaky cam in 3D. Got a site issue? Wanna submit Movie/TV news? Or to email me in regards to anything on the site, you can do so at nix (at) beyondhollywood.com.

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  • TheoneandOnly.

    The First Section of the Alphabet as to why this movie SUCKS.
    a. Sue Storm is an ego-obsessed valley girl. Not a thoughtful, caring, and motherly figure that the original character was which added a dynamic to the team to balance the 3 male archetypes; (Brute, Ego, Logic). What amazes me is that Stan Lee thought this new self absorbed pretty girl was a good idea, such that he even was in the movie. Me thinks Stan Lee has Alzheimer’s disease.
    b. The Surfer never required his board, ever. The board has always been an extension of HIS mind. Not the other way around. EPIC FAIL.
    c. Why is it when Victor touches Johnny, they don’t swap powers?
    d. The power swapping is because they were too lazy to figure out how to write in the Super Skrull.
    e. Originally, it was the Caucasion version of Alicia Masters whose personality and actions turned the mind of the Surfer, to respect the nobility of the human race. Not some magical tie to the board, which again, is just an extension of the Surfer’s mind. FAIL.
    f. How can anyone, especially Reed Richards, stand to marry a complaining, needy, and self-interested woman who only cares about her own happiness, while the world is literally exploding? I am so dumbfounded how they thought that was a good idea. Oh wait, we still have republicans in the world. Never mind, I’m not so shocked now.
    g.Shall I mention the uselessness of the Thing? He’s pretty much useless in these movies. Whereas his character is key and his meat-shield presence not to mention his SIZE (about 4 times what he is in the film) takes presidence. He’s not putting together complex little devices made of glass in the middle of freaking forests.
    h. Moving around. I am amazed as to how they magically zip across the planet instantly. Siberia to what I guess is Japan in under 10 seconds… HOLY CRAP! Screw Galactus! We can move faster than thought itself! How about when Sue catches on fire with that lame transfer crap (that is explained as “unstable molecules” which is retarded, unstable molecules… guess what, they break apart, they dont float around in flux dumbass. Atoms are fairly damned particular about what they do when it comes to bonding to form complex chains such as organic material, and they don’t float around like a whiny 14 year old spoiled brat looking for a date fluttering like a butterfly inbetween choices.) So she’s on fire, she instantly floats up to the 20+ floor of the building to get Reed’s attention, then she instantly floats back to the street. Instantly Reed is on the ground being his typical useless self.
    i. Reed, I wouldn’t trust this version of Reed Richards to flush a toilet. Period. Dumber than our last president, lacks any self-esteem (guess that’s made up with whiny valley girl, HAHAHA), and is useless when a solution is staring him in the face but he lacks any male body parts to function to create the solution.
    j. Johnny Storm, it appears that his character’s new function is to create rifts between the paper-thin glassware characters of his team. Not to hard to accomplish, all he has to do is say anything, hell he could’ve been standing around saying “GOONIE GOO GOO” and I’m sure Sue woulda gotten her panties in a bunch, Reed woulda gone completly limp and the Thing woulda just stood there looking like an overweight 40 year old.
    k. Victor Doom. So sad. For a character that is truly gnarly, nasty, and who overplans to the point of half the time you arent even dealing with him but some clone or robot, wow. FAIL.
    l. How the hell do you have literally DECADES of source material, and fail so miserably?
    m. Jesus, MARVEL, DOOD, (its an entity, so I’m speaking to it) You blew a few million on that CRAP? OMG Hire someone with half a brain, hell I bet I can get it done for a FRACTION of what you’re literally urinating out the WINDOW on these craptastic versions of really good characters and story. You DONT need to toss millions out the window at Hollywood to make a freaking good movie. Not even for a great one. Wake up. Please, PLEASE, wake the hell up.

    I am sure I could go on. Hope this helps, wow, Marvel + millions of cash + hollywood = fail.