I can hear Uwe Boll pitching his idea to the producers of “Blubberella” in my head now: “Imagine if ‘Bloodrayne’ were about an overweight vampire who kills Nazis during World War II? It’s incredible! The whole thing can be shot simultaneously with ‘Bloodrayne 3′. Can’t you see it? We can have her spout endless one-liners and pepper the script with modern-day pop culture references, loads of “Two and a Half Men”-style sex jokes, and a plethora of homosexual jokes and stereotypes! They’ll eat it up in America, because America will eat anything!” Well, I may have embelished a bit towards the end, but I’m sure it was something along those lines. After all, (most of) everything you just read is front and center in Boll’s latest action/adventure “Blubberella”, a tragically unfunny cinematic comedy that boldly incorporates all of the above. I’d label it sophomoric if I didn’t want to insult the entire “National Lampoons” franchise. Yes, it’s that bad.
But you know what? I kind of expected it to be bad. After all, nobody in their right mind goes into something called “Blubberella” expecting anything but a big ol’ meaty wad of concentrated awful. Boll’s execution of the material lies somewhere between a Mel Brooks picture and the “Scary Movie” franchise, though it doesn’t come close to achieving the mild comedic flotsam found drifting in the latter. The majority of the jokes — including a particularly painful sequence that I think is supposed to spoof “Precious” — are easy, cheap, and juvenille. Which, of course, is to be expected of Boll, given that “Postal” was packed to the rectum with all sorts of half-baked zingers and excrutiatingly obvious gags. To round things out, there’s even a jab at movie critics. Guess what? M. Night Shyamalan already did that in “Lady in the Water”, which, I must say, is a far funnier film.
Lindsay Hollister — an actress best known as Steve Carell’s overweight dance partner in “Get Smart” — stars as the titular heroine, a “doughy” half-human/half-vampire who spends the majority of her time surfing dating websites, hanging out with a group of freedom fighters, and, above all else, killing Nazis. Actually, scratch that. In truth, there isn’t a whole lot of Nazi killing going on in “Blubberella”, a fact which caused me great frustration by the end of the picture. Instead of giving us outrageous set pieces centered around the central character’s weight problem, Boll instead strings together a putrid collection of sketch scenes that are loosely tied together with a plotline involving Hitler’s desire to create an entire army of zombie soldiers. Everything in-between is fairly random. You almost feel sorry for the film’s cast, who have been plucked from the set of “Bloodrayne 3” to participate in one of the worst “comedies” I’ve seen since “Fat Slags”. And ask anyone — I’ll laugh at just about anything.
If you’re curious to see just how bad the participants think this endeavor truly is, stay tuned during the credits for some positively painful outtakes. Michael Pare and Clint Howard seem to thoroughly understand that they aren’t going to win any awards with this one, but one cast member goes as far as to tell Pare that their scene together just “isn’t funny”. I imagine that phrase was uttered several times over the course of the production, as most of the jokes are either rehashed from better comedies or telegraphed so far in advance that you can see the punchline coming minutes before it oozes from someone’s apathetic lips. The thing is, I actually liked “Postal”, and am often quick to recommend it to people who enjoy their chuckles with a bit of a childish edge. Boll can be funny when he wants to be, but here he’s just tossing random gags at the screen in hopes that one of them will work. By the way: None of them do.
I’ve a feeling that, in the hands of a proper director who would treat the character with a bit of dignity, Blubberella and her many adventures would play well to the “Ugly Betty” set. She’s feisty, she’s funny, she’s fabulous — and she’s a vampire. That alone will ensure you some ratings. Unfortunately, having been molded by the force that is Uwe Boll, “Blubberella” is just another hideously inept direct-to-video action/comedy that’s neither funny nor action-packed. No one on-board seems to be taking anything you see seriously, particularly Dr. Boll, who takes a moment out of his busy schedule to portray Adolf Hitler. With the cringe-inducing sex jokes and the constant jabs at our heroine’s weight, you’d think the director had simply run out of interesting ideas. I certainly hope he got something out of making this drek, because I strongly believe he’s the only one who will. Then again, maybe the joke was on me all along. I did, after all, watch the entire thing.
Uwe Boll (director) / Uwe Boll, Lindsay Hollister, and William Belli (screenplay)
CAST: Willam Belli … Vadge
Uwe Boll … Adolf Hitler
Brendan Fletcher … Resistance Leader
Natalia Guslistaya … Natasha
Lindsay Hollister … Blubberella
Clint Howard … The Doctor
Michael Paré … The Commandant