Only in Hollywood would you see gorgeous women, aspiring to be something, showing off their slinky bulimic figures at a screening for a film the likes of “Coming Attractions”. Ah, the sycophants never miss an opportunity to self aggrandize and network in this rundown promise land, no matter how ridiculous their efforts look to the modest outside observer. Nestled in the semi-circular lounge seats of Cinespace, I overheard agents being name-dropped and entertainment companies hyped; if you have never visited Hollywood , just watch “Swingers” or another parody of the lifestyle for it is very sobering to actually uncover the ramped existence of this stereotype. The irony of some of those aforementioned succulent attendees being present at this screening was the fact that the movie being shown was extremely low budget, grainy, unglamorous and seemingly still in the editing process.
“Coming Attractions”, written and directed by Jason Bunch, is a puerile amalgamation of sketch comedy shorts. The cast consists of supermodel Angie Everhart, Dennis Rodman, the old dude who played Mr. Miyagi and a myriad of others destined to star in “The Surreal Life” on VH1. In short, “Coming Attractions” falls somewhere between “Naked Gun 33 1/3” and a film reviewer’s hell as depicted by Jean Paul Sartre’s interpretation of the eternal damnation hot spot in his play “No Exit”. This film is unabashedly offensive. Not to me, but for about nine tenths of the international viewing audience. But the doddering creative forces behind “Coming Attractions” were going for that kitschy, cult status type thing; unfortunately they aren’t fit to trim John Waters’ mustache or slice Monty Python’s spam.
The movie begins with an idiotic political gibe, as the presidential father and son team of Bushes reenact the opening scene of “Pulp Fiction”, brandishing firearms in the name of liberating restaurants. From there we are served up hearty doses of child beating, racism, suicide humor, breasts, penises, midgets, drugs and everything else you would expect from people who fail to understand that comedy needs more than just references to work, it needs situations as well. Even the stabs at non-sequitur like “Kangaroo Herpes” or lawyers who represent only victims of white tiger attacks do nothing in the way of generating laughs.
But it would be wholly unfair to say that I didn’t crack one single smile during this entire event. Here are some of the highlights buried deep within a canyon of lows. I won’t be ruining much because, other than those present at the screening, I doubt many people will ever see this movie.
In a skit spoofing porno channels, two advertisements are shown for upcoming features. One is about a busty woman who lusts for a tree and as she is groping it, the tree ejaculates sap all over her which she proceeds to delightedly bathe herself in. The second stars past California candidate for governor and actual porn star Mary Carey in a film entitled, “How the West was won…With Dildos!” Next is a raunchy TV psychic named Lowell Bukkake who sees the future only when he masturbates. Former Howard Stern sidekick Jackie Martling has the only truly funny segment in the film, when a cartoon version of him does a short stand up act which kills with pinpoint dirty jokes.
There is also an ad for a college that specializes in degrees in “being a stuck up c*nt” and “genocide”, a witty PSA against marijuana and my consolation prize, getting to see Gen from the S&M band Genitorturers in her trademark PVC gear. I am not being facetious when I say that cyber-punk Goth girls with dreadlocks and tattoos can be really sexy, Gen being the holy grail of such females.
I would not recommend anybody see this movie. And if you are inclined to view it for the shock factor your dopey friend whose cousin was one of the lighting guys on the set told you it has, my advice would be to drink a few forties first or blaze a fat one. Since you can already see Angie and Gen scantily clad online for free, “Coming Attractions” is rendered totally unnecessary.
Jason Bunch (director) / Jason Bunch (screenplay)
CAST: Angie Everhart …. Supermodel
Dennis Rodman …. Leroy Suggs/Daddy
Pat Morita …. Mr. Miyami
Michael Winslow …. Coach Al Jefferson
James Hong …. Travel Hang/Grandpa
Jackie Martling …. Bathroom Stall Victim