DVD Review: Bitch Slap (2009) Movie UK R2

I’m sure many of you out there have seen films with similar titles to “Bitch Slap”. Well, this isn’t that kind of film, at least not completely – it’s still a bit naughty tee hee hee, but it’s a little less explicit than the films you’re thinking of, you pervert.  “Bitch Slap” follows the misadventures of three busty, ballsy and brash bitches as they bully, bang and betray themselves and others whilst bragging, blaspheming and buggering (not the last one, but I ran out of words beginning with ‘b’).

It aims to be a part of this recent resurgence of retro rubbish  – the likes of which include “Sin City”, “Grindhouse” and “Hell Ride” – but it only succeeds on a few levels.  One of which is the visuals, as it looks great from the start.  The washed out colours and dirty detail don’t necessarily ape the Russ Meyer-esque movies that influence it, but nevertheless it betrays its low budget and ends up looking the part.  Unfortunately though, hidden inbetween all the fantastic location photography are some awfully distracting green screen backdrops, which – deliberate or not – cheapen the film and are more crap than cute.

Not to worry though, because the three main girls make up for all that.  Don’t they?  Well yes and no.  Unfortunately the case is that they come in three shades of annoying.  Below is a handy key to help you recognise exactly how annoying each actress is:

America Olivo = JLo at Paris Hilton’s birthday and Paris has just got a really cute bag that JLo doesn’t have and really wanted.  (Really Annoying)

Erin Cummings = Your friend has just told you you’re not allowed to play on his Sega Saturn anymore.  (Mildly Annoying)

Julia Voth = Megan Fox has just turned up at your house unannounced.  (Not Annoying)

This could all be personal of course, and you might even disagree with it, but DON’T WORRY IT’S NOT OFFICIAL OR ANYTHING.  That’s the way I saw it, and Olivio’s insane über-bitch is slightly off-putting – there’s only so much vibrating and mugging you can handle from one woman.  Erin Cummings isn’t that bad, and she plays the character’s mysterious nature with a professional flair that fits the role quite nicely.  But it’s Voth who’s the revelation, especially as this is her first feature film as she constantly demands the most attention whenever she’s on screen.  She’s also the hottest – I think I might ask her to prom, I’ll let you know how it goes.

But what’s that?  Another problem on the horizon?  Yes, it’s the dick-splashing, minge-mashing dialogue!  At some points it’s so ass-banging, breast-buffing, penis-punchingly obvious that it’s as annoying as a naked nincompoop pummeling your privates while jizzing jubilantly.  It’s just that the writers are so concern-a-roonied with this invented Tarantino-lite throwback to a pussy-poppin’ dire-logue/dickscourse that is so full of mucky metaphors and rude rhymes that it ends up being a bit, well, shit.

Much like the above paragraph.

It’s all a little too try-hard, and in this over-zealous attempt to reproduce the tough-women exploitation genre, the film ends up a slightly confusing mis-match of ideas that mixes films like “Faster Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!”, “Sin City” and “300” when they clearly don’t fit together.

There are up-sides though – the biggest of them being the action.  The fights – choreographed by Zoe Bell (“Deathproof”) – are lesbotronic pulse-pounders that really get the adrenaline pumping.  These aren’t your usual girl fights (the Saturday night outside a kebab shop “Don’t call me a SLUT YOU BITCH GAAAAAAHHH” scuffles), they’re basically like the infamous fight from “They Live” but with lesbinims.  All three girls give it their all, but the fight scenes between Olivo and Cummings stand out – with two lengthy scraps proving a frenetic highlight.  Other peaks include a crazy Japanese girl with a razor-sharp yo-yo, a mohawked nutcase with a machine gun and numerous scenes involving large amounts of people firing guns and rocket-launchers in various directions.  There’s also a gratuitous amount of slow-mo close-ups on the breasts and bums of various women, if you like that sort of thing.  Which you probably do if you’re watching a film called “Bitch Slap”.

The feminists out there aren’t going to be too impressed with this film, as a majority of the screen-time is dedicated to the aforementioned up-close scrutiny of the female anatomy.  The filmmakers are obviously trying to offset this by including very tough, headstrong female characters who walk all over men and treat them like dirt – but the fact remains, whenever a woman is beating up a man, THE CAMERA KEEPS ZOOMING IN ON HER BREASTS so it’s not exactly the most empowering gesture to females.

“Bitch Slap” is ok, in some parts it’s ace, others it’s the opposite but most of the time it’s just quietly enjoyable – something which is probably a bit far from the all-out explosion-filled madness that was intended.  I’d say it’s definitely worth a watch if you’re a man (even if just out of sheer curiosity), but women should probably stay away, as it’s not exactly the most female-friendly flick – unless of course you can find some sort of double-negative post-feminist message inbetween all the cleavage.  Which you can’t.  It’s a film about women in tight outfits punching each other in the tits.

The R2 DVD from Momentum comes out on the 19th April.  It’s got a trailer and a pretty good making-of too.