Five Ways To Improve The Theatrical Experience

I go to a lot of movies. There’s nothing like a big screen, big sound presentation. Because I am childish, I must usually see a movie I’m interested in within a day of it’s opening. I buy tickets online for films that probably won’t be busy. I go an hour ahead of time to get my perfect seat (middle with eyes at middle screen level on stadium seating).  I’m religiously silent, like a monk and eat anything that might even remotely make a sound or even soft munchies with loud packaging before even the previews start. I am a good movie citizen. I take my movies seriously. I do not want to screw up, for even a second, someone elses appreciation of the flick.

Not a lot of other people share my concerns. For the last 5 or so years, going to a movie is an on and off nightmare. I’m about to post one man’s brilliant rant on how to improve the whole experience of going to a movie. It’s bang on. Hallelujah brother. Before you go though, a word about seat kickers.

There’s a bit in the forthcoming rant that talks about ushers and man do I agree with that one. Ushers with the balls to actually speak to patrons and actually look up the aisles would be a fantastic improvement. For one thing, it would (with applied force) stop the dumb asses that open up their freaking cell phones during the movie. It’s an eyeball exploding moment people when you just have to answer that text from some drooling friend of yours. It’s dark in the theatre, bright lights are really distracting. Ushers would really help though with seat kickers, the most disgusting form of animal or plant life to ever slime it’s way onto some rocky shore. I am attached to the seat your foot is on, you moron. When you kick and rock your leg back and forth, sometimes violently, I move too. Do you understand???

Now being the kid of an ex cop I tend to get a bit more vocal and excited than do most people about this. Getting repeatedly wracked forward while I’m getting my eyeballs worth of movie really ruins it for me. There’s a principal here. There’s also an I.Q. test. If you accidentally kick a seat in front of you once or twice in a scary part, ok. I do it. I apologize profusely and make a huge effort not to do it again. If you repeatedly kick the seat in front of you even after I turn around and threaten your life, you are stupid. It’s just over for you.

My main man over at Chud makes a few other salient points sure to be ignored by the general public. You are not the general public. You are special. I know you’ll understand. Make sure you read the post from the blog of the Alamo Drafthouse owner. The Alamo Drafthouse is in Austin and is probably the best theatre in the world. Here’s a taste of that post.

You sir are exactly the type of patron that I never want to see at an Alamo Drafthouse ever again.  People who continue to talk  when the movie has started are impolite, self-absorbed losers who were never taught common decency by their parents.  WE DON’T EVER WANT YOU AT THE ALAMO.  Please take your business elsewhere for the rest of your life.