Five Ways To Improve The Theatrical Experience

I go to a lot of movies. There’s nothing like a big screen, big sound presentation. Because I am childish, I must usually see a movie I’m interested in within a day of it’s opening. I buy tickets online for films that probably won’t be busy. I go an hour ahead of time to get my perfect seat (middle with eyes at middle screen level on stadium seating).  I’m religiously silent, like a monk and eat anything that might even remotely make a sound or even soft munchies with loud packaging before even the previews start. I am a good movie citizen. I take my movies seriously. I do not want to screw up, for even a second, someone elses appreciation of the flick.

Not a lot of other people share my concerns. For the last 5 or so years, going to a movie is an on and off nightmare. I’m about to post one man’s brilliant rant on how to improve the whole experience of going to a movie. It’s bang on. Hallelujah brother. Before you go though, a word about seat kickers.

There’s a bit in the forthcoming rant that talks about ushers and man do I agree with that one. Ushers with the balls to actually speak to patrons and actually look up the aisles would be a fantastic improvement. For one thing, it would (with applied force) stop the dumb asses that open up their freaking cell phones during the movie. It’s an eyeball exploding moment people when you just have to answer that text from some drooling friend of yours. It’s dark in the theatre, bright lights are really distracting. Ushers would really help though with seat kickers, the most disgusting form of animal or plant life to ever slime it’s way onto some rocky shore. I am attached to the seat your foot is on, you moron. When you kick and rock your leg back and forth, sometimes violently, I move too. Do you understand???

Now being the kid of an ex cop I tend to get a bit more vocal and excited than do most people about this. Getting repeatedly wracked forward while I’m getting my eyeballs worth of movie really ruins it for me. There’s a principal here. There’s also an I.Q. test. If you accidentally kick a seat in front of you once or twice in a scary part, ok. I do it. I apologize profusely and make a huge effort not to do it again. If you repeatedly kick the seat in front of you even after I turn around and threaten your life, you are stupid. It’s just over for you.

My main man over at Chud makes a few other salient points sure to be ignored by the general public. You are not the general public. You are special. I know you’ll understand. Make sure you read the post from the blog of the Alamo Drafthouse owner. The Alamo Drafthouse is in Austin and is probably the best theatre in the world. Here’s a taste of that post.

You sir are exactly the type of patron that I never want to see at an Alamo Drafthouse ever again.  People who continue to talk  when the movie has started are impolite, self-absorbed losers who were never taught common decency by their parents.  WE DON’T EVER WANT YOU AT THE ALAMO.  Please take your business elsewhere for the rest of your life.



About endymion

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Endy is a slightly mangy and gristly citizen of the Great White North. He loves movies big time. How big? In Canada, back in the old days in the ice city where he lived, there would just be one theatre that would be allowed to show any given movie. Some of these theatres were not the giganto-plex or mall theatres that we know and love today. No no, these were the kind of theatres where you had to wait Outside to see a movie. When a big moving picture would open in these single theatres, beaver pelt sporting fellas like Endy would have to wait outside in line for hours while fighting off the human hankering giant Polar Bear or packs of Endy knawing timber wolves. Endy is a dedicated movie watcher. Otherwise, Endy loves him a good Moose jerky, football teams with manly names like the Steelers or Vikings and the thawing embrace of his fine German woman. All these things are good. But you know what is best.

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  • LSB

    I love this, this was great t share the same views. I always get their early to see trailors and plus i cant see in the dark, hahahahaha. Anyways, yeah i got to get the perfect seat too and dont eat anything during the movie, to much noise. And we (my wife and i)hate seating around kids 19 and under cause they have no respect for others. So yeah man i feel your pain.

  • LSB

    I love this, this was great t share the same views. I always get their early to see trailors and plus i cant see in the dark, hahahahaha. Anyways, yeah i got to get the perfect seat too and dont eat anything during the movie, to much noise. And we (my wife and i)hate seating around kids 19 and under cause they have no respect for others. So yeah man i feel your pain.

  • Andris

    @LSB I’m 17 and i feel the same pain in my *** about these problems just like you and the writer.Don’t think it’s only kids who can’t shut their mouths , for example the other day two old lady (between 70 and death) simply kept gossiping.unbelievable.How do you tell to them shut it? On the other hand I’m from Hungary and luckily I’ve never met a seat kicker.I hope it will stay this way couse I wouldn’t like to throw out of the cinema anyone ;)
    ps.:I pretty like this site, keep up the great work!

  • Andris

    @LSB I’m 17 and i feel the same pain in my *** about these problems just like you and the writer.Don’t think it’s only kids who can’t shut their mouths , for example the other day two old lady (between 70 and death) simply kept gossiping.unbelievable.How do you tell to them shut it? On the other hand I’m from Hungary and luckily I’ve never met a seat kicker.I hope it will stay this way couse I wouldn’t like to throw out of the cinema anyone ;)
    ps.:I pretty like this site, keep up the great work!

  • KJN

    Totally agree with the comments
    never hadmuch trouble with seat kickers

    more so ignorant f**kers that talk during the movie or the odd cellphone user

    we tend to go now first showing of the day when theres no holidays .. its normally nightmare free

    saying that thou …went to see avatar in imax 3d on its opening ..full house and not a squeeak from anyone when the movie started ,,,my guess is everyone was blown away with the screen

  • KJN

    Totally agree with the comments
    never hadmuch trouble with seat kickers

    more so ignorant f**kers that talk during the movie or the odd cellphone user

    we tend to go now first showing of the day when theres no holidays .. its normally nightmare free

    saying that thou …went to see avatar in imax 3d on its opening ..full house and not a squeeak from anyone when the movie started ,,,my guess is everyone was blown away with the screen

  • ds

    You all really sound well to put it lightly single, if it is so important to you to have a great viewing experience wait until it is out on dvd or blue ray or for you more evolved knuckle draggers use netflix and just download it! I love going to the movies just like everyother red blooded American, also I am a man which means no crying or acking like a little girl when it comes to something like a movie. I take my three kids to the movies just about every time I go, because, we are going to family movies. Why would anyone in a family or kids movie think they have the right to get mad if kids are making noise, not really in a bad way more like singing along or asking why is this… or why is that… you people are out there you know you are. If you are upset or your manhood is missing get up out of your seat and go ask for a refund or go see another movie, otherwise sit down, shut up and enjoy the show!

    • LSB

      My man you got this all wrong. For the most part we are talking about seeing adult movies, pg-13 or rated r, so you really shouldn’t have any kids watching those movies right. Now little kids its a given they will be nosey I know I have a 2yr old. We (me and just my wife) stay away from those movies if we want to have a good time with just the two of us. Now you tell me that everytime or just about everytime someone acts up we should just get a refund or go see another movie? My friend I don’t know where you stay at but around here if you are making too much noise in a movie chances are someone will say something to you and if it does not stop it wont be pretty. Sounds like you just let people walk right over you. But we are just talking about adult movie’s not Rated G movies. Read our comments first before you comment.

  • ds

    You all really sound well to put it lightly single, if it is so important to you to have a great viewing experience wait until it is out on dvd or blue ray or for you more evolved knuckle draggers use netflix and just download it! I love going to the movies just like everyother red blooded American, also I am a man which means no crying or acking like a little girl when it comes to something like a movie. I take my three kids to the movies just about every time I go, because, we are going to family movies. Why would anyone in a family or kids movie think they have the right to get mad if kids are making noise, not really in a bad way more like singing along or asking why is this… or why is that… you people are out there you know you are. If you are upset or your manhood is missing get up out of your seat and go ask for a refund or go see another movie, otherwise sit down, shut up and enjoy the show!

    • LSB

      My man you got this all wrong. For the most part we are talking about seeing adult movies, pg-13 or rated r, so you really shouldn’t have any kids watching those movies right. Now little kids its a given they will be nosey I know I have a 2yr old. We (me and just my wife) stay away from those movies if we want to have a good time with just the two of us. Now you tell me that everytime or just about everytime someone acts up we should just get a refund or go see another movie? My friend I don’t know where you stay at but around here if you are making too much noise in a movie chances are someone will say something to you and if it does not stop it wont be pretty. Sounds like you just let people walk right over you. But we are just talking about adult movie’s not Rated G movies. Read our comments first before you comment.

  • Edward Davis

    My only comment is the notion that its children:Its been my experience its adults who are doing all the talking.In fact the majority of those Ive personally had to tell to stfu have been grown men.

  • Edward Davis

    My only comment is the notion that its children:Its been my experience its adults who are doing all the talking.In fact the majority of those Ive personally had to tell to stfu have been grown men.