Forgotten Action Cinema: Laserblast

What happens you when you give a shiftless teenager direct, unsupervised access to laser weaponry from dimensions unknown? Not a lot, really. Director Michael Rae and veteran schlock producer Charles Band’s gloriously wretched 1978 science fiction epic Laserblast attempts to expound upon the speculatory question posed above — with extremely limited results. Kim Milford stars as Billy Duncan, your quintessential high school screw-up complete with creepy pedophile van and absolutely no friends or personal ambitions. After a particularly miserable morning of rejection and humiliation, Billy does what any misguided youth would do in this situation: pay a visit to the local desert. While traipsing through the arid landscape, our hero happens upon a discarded piece of alien warfare, a device which he masters almost instantly despite his obvious lack of education. Without much thought as to its mysterious origins, Billy takes his newfound treasure home. Much to his dismay, the gadget slowly begins to possess poor Billy, forcing him to violently exterminate all of the small town morons who have made his life a living Hell. There’s really no story to speak of, unless, of course, you consider aimless wandering and extended scenes of absolutely nothing to be the meaty center of a coherent plotline. Hideous performances, ill-conceived comedy, and laughable FX, however, make up for the utter lack of professionalism and intelligence. The cinematic equivalent of doing nineteen beer bong hits while laying spread-eagle on Roddy McDowall’s grave. Although not exactly an action flick, it’s still genuine cult bliss.