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It’s been a while since I’ve had the time to do this column, so I thought it only fitting that I tackle one of the worst motion pictures in my extensive collection of absolute crap, namely director Charles Band’s “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn”. Although I love it with every fiber of my being — I actually own this T-shirt and squealed with delight when it arrived in the mail — I must admit that it’s not exactly the easiest movie to love. The story doesn’t make a lick of sense, there are too many extended POV shots involving automobiles, the ending openly insults your intelligence — things that would make most film fanatics pull the proverbial plug ten minutes in. Despite everything that works against poor “Metalstorm”, it’s deliriously enjoyable. If the plot involving an evil dictator’s scheme to take control of a Cyclopian race doesn’t boggle your impressionable little mind, perhaps Tim Thomerson’s half-assed Harrison Ford/Han solo impersonation will suck you in. Sure, you’ll have to wade through endless shots of people driving and/or walking through the desert to get to the good stuff, but “Jared-Syn” is definitely worth the ride. Assuming, that is, you possess the tolerance required to watch this sort of brainless tomfoolery without developing Tourette’s syndrome in the process. Did I mention this thing was originally released in 3D? I’m sure it was a cinematic experience for the ages. With the exception of a few “jab something towards the camera” moments, I can’t think of anything in the film that would properly make use of the third dimension. “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn” is pure freaking gold, and if you possess a streaming Netflix account, you can watch it right now.
Maybe the embedded clip will help push you into Jared-Syn’s evil clutches.