Someone This Hot Shouldn’t Be This Caring
You know, I make fun of a lot of celebrities here, but I gotta admit, I really think Angelina Jolie is doing a hell of a job out there beyond the borders of movieland. The woman is really just a saint. How could you look this good, have such uber MILF credentials, and still find time to visit sick kids in Africa and do public service announcements for refugee relief? When you’re this hot, you’re not supposed to care about such things; only ugly people dedicate themselves to charity, right? Not so with Angelina Jolie. In fact, she’s doing such good work, I’m loathe to make sexual innuendos about her. Mind you, I’m not going to stop, but you know, I actually think twice now. Here’s her PSA.
Angelina Jolie is Generous with her Hotness … and Money
Talk about walking the talk. Angelina Jolie doesn’t just tell you to adopt kids in third world countries, she’s done it herself. How many kids does she have now, 50? And she doesn’t just tell you to give money to good causes, she puts her wallet where her mouth is, donating over $8 million so far to various causes. I’m telling ya, this makes me want to see “Wanted”, her new movie, that much more — how could a woman this got, this sexy, this insanely good at playing bad girls, be such a good girl in real life? It’s almost unbelievable, and yet it’s true. Wow.
Angelina Jolie + Guns + Tattoos = Blockbuster
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (damn, I should write an essay and get it published or sumthin’), that the best way to make a blockbuster is to give a hot woman a gun in your movie and train her how to use it. I’m not talking about giving a gun to, say, Paris Hilton, and watch her fake using it, because it won’t work. But train her to use it, like Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or Angelina Jolie in Wanted, and it works. Now allow Angelina Jolie to show off her tattoos, and you’ve got a blockbuster in the making. Then again, I could be wrong, and Angelina Jolie’s new movie Wanted could tank faster than the Titanic with 100 Kate Winslets on it…
Angelina Jolie Goes to War in Iraq
Not content to just be the hottest thing in America, much less Hollywood, Angelina Jolie aka Mrs. Brad Pitt took time out from shooting people in movies and making out with her male co-stars to visit Iraq on behalf of the United Nations. Her official status is the goodwill ambassador for U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees, which basically means she shouldn’t make too much of a public presence of herself, less Al Qaeda in Iraq seeks her out and puts the kibosh on Mrs. Smith. Sorry to say, but I don’t think playing a badass in the movies actually translates into real war. But hey, at least she’s trying to do something instead of sitting in the comforts of her Malibu home and mouthing off like most of her fellow celebrity brood. The girl walks the walk, you gotta give her that.
Angelina Jolie + Cold Hard Steel = Blockbuster
Say what you will about the upcoming movie “Wanted” (it’s crap, it has nothing to do with the comics, etc), but whoever made it sure knows a secret that Hollywood hasn’t always been able to grab onto. And what’s that secret, you ask? It’s this: You put Angelina Jolie in an action movie where she has her hands full of cold hard steel (i.e. guns), and you got yourself a hit on your hands. Think about it. How many hit movies have Jolie had? Not a whole lot, but the ones that have been hits have involved Jolie going around firing guns, including the Tomb Raider films and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. So you want a hit? Just make sure Angelina Jolie has her hands full of something cold and hard.
Angelina Jolie has Old Lady Hands
Take a look at the picture to your left and tell me, without knowing that this is a post about Angelina Jolie, that you would guess that that’s the hand of a 32-year old Hollywood movie star who is lusted after by every man on the planet. You can’t. Because that’s old lady hands, baby! (As Austin Powers would say.) Now mind you, there’s perfectly nothing wrong about the rest of Angelina Jolie, it’s just that the girl has gotten so thin that in the wrong angles, those skinny arms and those dangling fingers… Ergh, I’m going to have nightmares now. Can you imagine sleeping when those bony, grandma fingers start moving up your body? You’d wake up, see those things, and scream thinking a skeletal monster was trying to suck your soul. Then again, it is Angelina Jolie, so maybe losing one’s soul might be worth it…
Angelina Jolie: The Wet Moments
Angelina Jolie moments are a dime a dozen. Hell, if I had a dime for every Angelina Jolie moment, I would be a millionaire. Then again, I should be shot for using such a cliche. But I digress. Here’s one of Angelina Jolie’s best moments — getting wet for a photoshoot. I don’t know why they decided to use water, or why Angelina Jolie is sticking out her tongue like she’s ready to lick something really, really tasty, but it just is, and this Angelina Jolie Wet Moment is brought to you by the fine folks at Sheeps R Us. Sheeps R Us, where we sell good sheeps, or bust.
Angelina Jolie versus the Press — WHO YA GOT???
How far and wide-reaching can the power of hotness get you? Apparently Angelina Jolie thinks it can get her as far as she can imagine, and who is to disagree with her? After managing to get FoxNews and all of its affiliates barred from her movie premieres for, one presumes, conflicting politics, Jolie recently required all interviewers to sign contracts forbidding them from asking her certain questions. Journalists balked, and FoxNews’ Roger Friedman called Jolie a hypocrite. Which, you know, he’s kinda right. Jolie’s latest movie is “A Mighty Heart”, which is about — yup, freedom of the press!
The 101 Hottest Celebrities and Their Tattoos
Let’s face it: If you didn’t like the fact that Megan Fox has tattoos and likes to show them off, then you just don’t like women, period. There’s nothing sexier than a woman with an original tattoo. And yes, with emphasis on “original”. There’s nothing I hate more in this world than a woman with one of those indecipherable “tribal” tattoos on their lower back, near the butt crack. It’s just so bloody generic and totally devoid of creativity, don’t you think? Anyways, the guys over at Vanishing Tattoo has a list of the 101 Hottest Women with Tattoos.
Your Angelina Jolie in Cannes Tribute
In case you didn’t know, Angelina Jolie is probably one of the most gorgeous women in the whole wide world. Yeah, I kinda get annoyed when she does her Mother Teresa act. What exactly will happen to that African village that she visits for a photo op? Butkus. She’ll leave. They’ll remain poor. Nuff said. But besides that, Angelina Jolie is frakkin gorgeous. She’s currently in Cannes with husband Brad Pitt, who is, I might say, looking a tad beefy there in the middle lately. What’s up, Brad? Better keep in shape bro, because handsome or not, you married waaaaaaaay up, buddy. Anyways, Angelina (or Angie as I call her when we’re alone) is in Cannes promoting her movie “A Mighty Breath”. Which is appropriate, as she takes my breath away. Damn she’s fine.
Movie Preview: Angelina Jolie in A MIGHTY HEART
You’ve probably heard about it, or maybe you even saw it live on the Internet when Pakistani terrorists beheaded journalist Daniel Pearl in 2002. The movie “A Mighty Heart” is based on the book of the same name by Mariane Pearl, Pearl’s wife, who is portrayed in the film by Angelina Jolie. The film is directed by Michael Winterbottom (”9 Songs”), and stars Angelina Jolie, Dan Futterman, Irfan Khan, Adnan Siddiqui, Alyy Khan. There are no release dates for the film as of yet, but you can preview the poster and some promotional stills from the movie below.
Jessica Biel is Sexier than Scarlett Johansson
Stuff Magazine has released their annual list of “100 Sexiest Women in the Whole Wide World and Beyond” (okay, maybe leave out half of that title), and the winner is … (drum roll, please) … Jessica Biel and her junk in the trunk! Biel, who probably didn’t cry over the recent cancellation of “Seventh Heaven”, topped the poll, as well as second place finisher Scarlett Johansson. The rest of the top 10 was composed of (in order of sexiest to least sexy) Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, Katharine McPhee, Sienna Miller, Olivia Wilde, Angelina Jolie, Malin Akerman, and finally, Christina Aguilera.
Angelina Jolie Joins Mark Millar’s “Wanted”
Comic book scribe Mark Millar’s “Wanted” comic book is finally seeing the light of day as a big screen movie, and it’s got Angelina Jolie attached to star. How about them apples? Via Variety: “Universal Pictures has set Angelina Jolie to star alongside James McAvoy and Morgan Freeman in “Wanted,” an action film based on a graphic novel that Timur Bekmambetov (”Day Watch”) will direct. McAvoy will play a young man who discovers his father is an assassin, only to learn shortly thereafter that his dad has been murdered. The youth is drafted to follow in his father’s footsteps. Jolie will play an assassin who teaches the ropes to the wannabe killer.”
It’s Official: Angelina Jolie is Now Creepy
Angelina Jolie used to be sexy. Enticing. Enthralling. Really, really fantasy-worthy material. Now she’s just creeping the bejesus out of me. I mean, seriously, what the hell is wrong with this woman and why is she going around adopting children the way other people buy snow globes to remember their vacations by? Is her goal to have one kid from every country? And what exactly does she plan to do with all these foreign kids? Seriously, what kind of mother can she possibly be? She’s constantly surrounded by paparazzi, she spends most of her time on movie sets, and her husband will probably divorce her ass in a few months. Even Grade-A Looney Poon isn’t going to keep Brad Pitt on his leash for long. He’s got to see how flippin nuts his wife is. So now Angelina is going to adopt another kid from Vietnam because, well, she doesn’t have one from Vietnam yet.
Vietnamese Kids Rejoice! Angelina Jolie Wants to Adopt You!
Well, one of you, anyway. People reports that Angelina Jolie continues on her road to faux Mother Teresa status by officially filing papers to adopt a child from the country of Vietnam. This news comes from some fella named Vu Duc Long (the Vietnamese version of John Smith, I’m told — well not really, I just made that up, sorry), the director of Vietnam’s International Adoption Agency, who said that an American adoption agency representing Jolie filed the paperwork earlier this week. Jolie, 31, and Adonis hubby Brad Pitt, 43, are already parents to son Maddox, 5, and daughters Zahara, 2, and Shiloh, 9 months. Once she adopts this Vietnamese kid, may I suggest the name, “Darfur”?
Rachel Weisz Replacing Angelina Jolie for “Sin City 2″?
According to the dudes at Cinema Blend, an unnamed source has told them that Angelina Jolie is out of “Sin City 2″ and Rachel Weisz is in. The reasons seem to stem from Mother Angelina’s tireless schedule not allowing her to fit “Sin City 2″ in, and Rachel Weisz’s lack of a tireless schedule and Mother Teresa-like complex. Oh well. In “Sin City 2″, Weisz would play the role of Ava Lord, a sex bomb who leads our hero Dwight (Clive Owen in the original film) through a series of manipulations and that ol set-up for murder stuff that good guys always end up in in these pulp noir movies.
Pitt Wants More Kids with Angelina Jolie
Brad Pitt, aka the Luckiest Bastard in the Known Universe, recently said that five kids isn’t enough, and that he wants to have more kids with wife Angelina Jolie. Says the way too handsome for a man man: “Always, of course. We’ll let you know when we get there.” No doubt someone will have to pony up another couple of mil for that picture. Damn, this guy is really starting to piss me off now…
“Mr. and Mrs. Smith” Hits TV — Angelina Not Coming
Bickering married suburban assassins Mr. and Mrs. Smith is coming to a TV near you — but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ain’t joining the party. A TV version of the hit 2005 movie starring Pitt and Jolie has been given the green light by ABC according to this, with the movie’s original creators (writer Simon Kinberg) and director Doug Liman on board for the pilot. The show is supposed to take palce 6 months after the events of the movie, with the Smiths now moved to a new suburban neighborhood, but marriage issues once again comes up.
Happy New Years! It’s 2007!
It’s officially 2007, so what were you doing with your New Years Eve day. Or night. Or something. Anyways, if you were Brad Pitt, you were hitting this. Then again, we can’t all be Brad Pitt. Alas, alas. Then again, taking into account Angelina Jolie’s current crusade to be the next Mother Teresa, ol Brad might not be getting all that much poon lately. Then again, that could just be wishful thinking on the part of every man on the Earth…
“Tomb Raider 3″ On the Way? Why??
Oh right, I know why. Angelina Jolie. Come on, who didn’t like seeing Angelina Jolie run around in that skin-tight outfit with those ridiculous artificial cones masquerading as her breasts bouncing to and fro, up and down, and sideways and diagonal. I know I did. But I digress. Here’s news that Paramount has hired a screenwriter to pen “Tomb Raider 3: Angelina Jolie’s Breasts Strikes Again”. Okay, maybe I made the title up. Maybe.