Bai Ling Charged with Petty Theft, is Still Generally F–ked Up

Remember not all that long ago when Bai Ling first showed up in Hollywood as an ex-Chinese Mainlander who dared to challenge the Chinese status quo by doing that courtroom movie with Richard Gere? Well, that was a loooong time ago, and the Bai Ling we now think of is the really screwed up one who goes to parties, movie premieres, and other assorted Hollywood functions wearing dental floss and showing her, as the Texas gals would say, “cash and prizes” to all the world to see. And now she can add petty theft to her list of Hollywood credits. Check out her mugshots to the left. Strangely, she looks better there than the, say, 5,000 other pictures we’ve seen of her covered in grisly make-up!

Who is Really Jamie Lynn Spears’ Baby Daddy?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first learn to deceive. Or have sex when we’re 16 years old. Either/or. There is a rumor going around, started by the ever-reliable (no, really) Star Magazine (and reported here) that Casey Aldridge is NOT the real father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby, and instead the father is an “older man” who works on Spears’ Zoey 101 Nickelodeon TV show. So why the deception? Apparently the guy is old enough that if he confessed to having made Jamie Lynn preggers, he’d face rape charges, because she’s only 16, and still underage.

Amy Winehouse at the MTV Europe Music Awards

If you haven’t heard about what happened to Amy Winehouse at a recent performance at the MTV Europe Music Awards, then you’ve been living under a rock. Suffice it to say that the usually strung out junkie/musician gave a performance to rival Britney Spears’ in sheer “train wreck” quality. You simply have to see this thing for yourself to believe this. And worst of all? Critics are unanimous that Winehouse has a great voice and is a real musical talent — not the case with Britney, who everyone pretty much acknowledges that she got in at the right time with the right look, and that’s about it. So why is Amy slurring and is barely legible throughout the son? Um, maybe she needs to go back to rehab? You know, like one of her hit songs says, “I gotta get back to rehab”? Well, maybe it doesn’t say that, but you get my point. Video of the performance below.

Britney Spears is Ugly and her Jaw Hurts, and She Wants to See a Movie — Hunh?

This is, bar none, the funniest damn video I have ever seen. I’ve actually seen clips of it all over the place (a lot of times on Talk Soup), but I never actually saw the whole 3-minute video. It’s basically Britney Spears sitting in a bathroom with a cap on talking to the camera. I don’t know who is running the camera (is it Kevin Federline?), but what comes out of Spears’ mouth is just the funniest things I have ever heard. She starts off by talking about how she’s ugly and her jaw hurts, then goes on about how she wants to go see a movie, but doesn’t know where it’s playing. That moves into Spears positing about the feasibility of time travel, or as she puts it, “time trek”. The video has been on YouTube for over a year, so I don’t think it’s getting pulled. Hunh? Stop looking through the peephole!

Paris Hilton Wants to Save African Kids

No, seriously. Stop laughing, you bums. Paris Hilton has reformed while in prison (she was inside for what, a week?), and she’s now ready to save the world. Or at least, some place in Rwanda, where she’ll be heading to on a charity mission sometime next month because, you know, if mingling with poor African kids is good enough for Angelina Jolie, then by God it’s good enough for the new, reformed Paris Hilton. Again, I have to insist you stop laughing. Here’s what Hilton told Newsweek: “There are a lot of bad people in L.A. Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties—it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world.” Seriously, stop laughing. It’s just rude.

Keira Knightley is Homeless

Man, show business is really one tough business! One day you’re living large and getting paid $20 million for every movie, drinking wine out of your $5,000 shoes, and the next day you’re broke and homeless and attending movie premieres in rags. Or at least I think that’s what has happened to poor Keira Knightley, who is looking just as thin as usual, but sporting a, well, dress. I think that’s a dress she’s wearing, although I have seen homeless women wear the exact same thing up the street from my apartment complex. Poor Keira Knightley. If she needs a home to stay in-between movie premieres, she should give me a call. I hate it when hot women have to throw on rags for their movie premieres. It’s soooo embarrassing.

Britney Spears’ Cellulite Infested Ass Scares Me

You know, I just don’t know what is going on with Britney Spears. How exactly did this girl go from being a Pop Princess that every guy wanted to take home to the sofa and put it to, to being embracing Total Skanksville like no one’s business? And you gotta ask yourself: How exactly did a 26-year old girl with years and years of dancing behind her develop this kind of cellulite-laden body? Or ass, to be more specific? Granted, she’s had a couple of kids, but you would think all those instant liposuction she’s paying for (come on, don’t try to tell me she’s not) would take care of all the ass fat. But I guess not. Here’s Britney Spears showing off her 26-year old ass — it actually looks like the butt of a 50-year old woman, and that’s kind of insulting 50-year old women everywhere.

Mena Suvari Goes Bald

I’ve always thought that Mena Suvari kind of looked like a 12 year old boy. Boys with tiny bumps for breasts, that is. Now I’m sure of it, after seeing these pictures of Mena Suvari pulling a Britney — shaving her head for some unGodly reason. I hope it’s for a movie role, because if not — man, she’s looking pretty freaky. Now I don’t usually mind chicks who shave their heads, but — well, okay, that’s not true. I really do mind chicks who shave their heads. Guys can shave their heads, but NOT women. It’s just not right. Kinda like whenever I walk around my house without my clothes on. It’s just not right! Anyhoo, here’s a bald Mena Suvari dodging the cameras — then later going for a walk on the beach. Um.

Lindsay Lohan Busted for DUI, Cocaine Possession … Again

You knew it was coming, didn’t cha? I think everyone did:

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Lindsay Lohan was arrested in the Los Angeles area early on Tuesday on suspicion of drunken driving and cocaine possession, just days after she completed a 45-day rehabilitation program, authorities said. Police said they had received a report of a car chase and that Lohan and two companions were in the pursuing vehicle. A police spokesman said he believed the people in the two cars knew each other.

Jon Lovitz Beats the Crap Out of Andy Dick, the World Rejoices

Who doesn’t dislike Andy Dick? The guy’s entire shtick is being a dick because he can. Well apparently Jon Lovitz doesn’t like Andy Dick very much either. You can read here for the reasons why. The gist of it is that Lovitz blames Dick for giving cocaine to Brynn Hartman, knocking her off the sober wagon, which ends with Brynn shooting Phil Hartman in the head 5 months later. Plus, according to Lovitz, Dick had the audacity to use Hartman’s name in vein, saying that he had put a “Phil Hartman hex” on Lovitz when the two met in a previous encounter. So what happened? When the two met again last night at the Laugh Factory, “Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose,” a witness told Page Six. Nice!

Hayden Panettiere Likes to Lick Things

Young Miss Hayden Panettiere apparently has a tongue fetish. Or to be more precise, a licking things with her tongue fetish. I think that’s the only conclusion you can come up with after seeing these very candid shots of the “Heroes” star going around town licking, well, just about anything and everything that doesn’t need licking. And when she can’t lick something, she feigns tonguing her friend’s boobs. How old is Hayden Panettiere? Sixteen? Seventeen? Oh dear. Can you say, Lindsay Lohan Part Deux? I can! Check out Hayden Panettiere being a bad, bad bad girl below.

Hayden Panettiere Licks a Statue’s Ass

No, seriously, she does. I wish I was kidding with you, but I’m not. Apparently this is some gag picture that Hayden had taken by some friend, showing her bending an salaciously licking the ass of a golden statue in, from what I can tell, a diner or restaurant. I have no idea how it ended up spread all over the Internet, but it’s here now, and it ain’t going anywhere. (Scroll down to the see the picture below if you can’t wait.) So what’s going on with the girl? I don’t know, but I suspect it’s the Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears problem: too young, too rich, too famous, and too much freedom to do whatever she wants. Seriously, those guys running “Heroes” better pay attention to this girl before she goes straight over the cliff and takes their show with her.

Video: Paris Hilton Drives MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski Batshit on Live TV

Mika Brzezinski has so much journalistic integrity that the last time I saw her morning show with Joe Scarborough, she was busy parroting the Democratic Talking Points like a robot. Yesterday, with the whole brouhaha over Paris Hilton’s release from prison, Brzezinski did the unthinkable for an anchorperson: she refused to read news copy about Paris Hilton’s release! At one point, she tears up the copy and even tries to burn it with a lighter! It’s like watching a train wreck, folks. The two guys on the show with her tries their best to save her career, but the poor girl has her head so far stuff up her ass that she can’t see straight. But hey, maybe we can’t really blame her for going off, because Paris Hilton has been known to drive people to do some crazy things. But then again, all those people had penises, and I’m assuming Mika doesn’t.

Daisy Fuentes: Guatemalan Sweatshop Owner?

According to Charles Kernaghan, executive director of the NYC-based National Labor Committee, former MTV VJay and calendar model Daisy Fuentes has been using a Guatamalan sweatship to make her clothes. Yikes. So how much is Daisy paying the people (probably kids with really small hands or something sad like that) working at her shop? Try twenty five cents a day, which is, um, really, really low. Meanwhile, Fuentes is selling the clothes for $22-38 a pop at places like Kohl’s department store. Well, she used to, anyway.

Rosie O’Donnell Dresses 4-Year Old Daughter in Army Uniform, Bullets

You gotta love Rosie O’Donnell. If it wasn’t for the haughty self-destructive ex-View co-host, who would most of the blogosphere spend all their time talking and ranting about (and against)? Personally I don’t pay very much attention to what Rosie does on a daily basis, but seeing this picture of Rosie’s 4-year old daughter Vivian (via her official site) dressed up to look like a soldier, complete with bullet bandolier, no less, elicited a mild chuckle out of me. In case you’re thick, this is Rosie’s idea of “higher thinking” — i.e. the United States is sending our “sons and daughters to die” in Iraq, etc. Holy cow — DEEP!!!

Cameron Diaz Angers Peru with Mao Bag

Most people will find fault with Cameron Diaz in this news story, but me, I think it’s just the product of an uneducated actress who doesn’t know her Mao Zedong from her Sun Tzu. In a recent trip to Peru, Cameron Diaz carried a trendy purse with Communist China’s Mao Zedong’s favorite slogan emblazon on the side. It read: “Serve the People” in Chinese. Of course I know Diaz doesn’t speak or read Chinese, and I’m pretty sure she can’t find China on the map anywhere, or know the difference between Mainland China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan. So I’m going to forgive her for this politically incorrect oops.

Angelina Jolie versus the Press — WHO YA GOT???

How far and wide-reaching can the power of hotness get you? Apparently Angelina Jolie thinks it can get her as far as she can imagine, and who is to disagree with her? After managing to get FoxNews and all of its affiliates barred from her movie premieres for, one presumes, conflicting politics, Jolie recently required all interviewers to sign contracts forbidding them from asking her certain questions. Journalists balked, and FoxNews’ Roger Friedman called Jolie a hypocrite. Which, you know, he’s kinda right. Jolie’s latest movie is “A Mighty Heart”, which is about — yup, freedom of the press!

Paris Hilton is Really “Distraught” About her Upcoming Jail Sentence, Attends the MTV Movie Awards

You have to feel for Paris Hilton. She was so “emotionally distraught and traumatized” about starting her June 5th jail sentence, she had to literally drag herself to the MTV Movie Awards two days before she is supposed to turn herself in. As you can see from these pictures of Paris arriving at the Awards show, she’s clearly fighting back the tears, and can barely bring herself to do her Bendable Barbie Pose, i.e. bend backward at the waist, smile awkwardly, and look semi-retarded. Oh, Paris, we feel for you! And Sarah Silverman even made a cruel joke about you, too. Sniff sniff, etc.

Video: How To Be a Star and Get a DUI (NSFW)

We all know celebrities are pretty stupid, but as dumb as you think older celebrities are, they don’t compare to their younger counterparts. Girls like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears can barely spell “star” or add four plus four, but these girls make more money in a week than I do in a lifetime. And now, with the help of this very informative video, they can learn how to get a DUI. Hey, it’s even a rap song, too! That’s, like, twice as fun!

Jerry Seinfeld Bee Costume in Cannes

You would think being a gazillionaire would come with a side order of dignity, but apparently not. Despite his show being off the air for years now, Seinfeld is still making a mint off royalty checks, DVD sales, and syndication. But that won’t stop the comedian from dressing in a humongous bee costume and “flying down” the rooftop of a hotel at the Cannes Film Festival in France to promote his upcoming animated “Bee Movie”. You know, the kind of stunt that is usually left to those losers from Troma. (Look at the faces of the guys rigging Seinfeld up for his stunt. That just about says it all.)