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Robin Wright Divorces Penn, Back on the Market

1 January 2008

Buttercup is divorcing Spicoli? Tell me it ain’t so! Well apparently it is so, and announcements have gone out that after 11 years of marriage and two kids, Robin Wright Penn (I guess she’s going to lose that Penn now) and Sean Penn are splitsville. To be honest with you, I’m surprise it’s taken this long. Who the hell marries Spicoli? Or Sean Penn, for that matter? This guy is bundle of midget fury, and was always in search of a good beating. Now he’s become Al Gore’s little acolyte and preaching the environment and shaking hands with wannabe dictator Hugo Chavez. Seriously, this guy was always screwed up back when he punched a cameraman, and he’s totally fubar now. So congrats on getting out while you’re still hot, Robin — and call me!

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Charisma Carpenter is Single? Call Me!

29 November 2007

The big news of the day via all the entertainment shows is that Charisma Carpenter, Cordelia Chase on Angel and Buffy and dream girl of my fantasies, has split from her husband of five years, Damian something or rather. Which is good news for all the single guys out there, because let’s face it, towards the end of its run, Angel was practically unwatchable except for the occasional half-naked scenes involving Charisma Carpenter, whose character ended up pregnant and delivered some demon child or something. Hey, I wasn’t really paying attention toward the end there. But I digress. Call me, Charisma!

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It’s Splitsville for Jenna Fischer and James Gunn

7 September 2007

After seven years of marriage, “The Office” star Jenna Fischer and her writer/director husband James Gunn (”Dawn of the Dead”, “Slithers”) are calling it quits. They said this in a joint statement posted on Fischer’s Myspace page: “We (James and Jenna) need to announce that we have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other’s lives, spirits, and careers is real – we have been each other’s cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.” Normally I can find someone to blame when celebrities divorce, but in this case? I don’t know. They both seem like good people, so a divorce is probably the product of never seeing each other and just falling out of love. Oh well. Call me, Jenna! I’m listed in the book!

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It’s Splitsville for Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger

3 September 2007

To no one’s surprise, it’s splitsville for Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger, as the two Hollywood actors called it quits after three years of marriage. It was bound to happen, being one of those marriages that was hastily thrown together after Ledger knocked up Williams (probably while they were filming “Brokeback Mountain”) and produced a baby as a result. Oh sure, they gave it a good try, but did anyone really expect this marriage to last? Raise your hands, please. It’s hard enough for “regular” people to attempt a marriage built on necessity, but throw in fame and too many people wanting to have sex with you (yes, Heath, I’m looking at you), and it’s almost impossible. (Jen and Ben is next. Mark my words.) But hey, there’s good news from all of this — Michelle Williams is now single. Call me, Michelle!

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Dermot Mulroney Files for Divorce from Catherine Keener

13 June 2007

When some people hear about Hollywood divorces, they think, “Oh, that’s too bad.” Me, when I hear about Hollywood divorces, I think, “Sweet! I got a chance to nail a famous divorcee on the rebound!” But hey, maybe that’s just me. I’ve been a fan of Catherine Keener ever since 1995’s “Living in Oblivion” (and by “fan” I of course mean I’ve had a crush on her since then), so this is somewhat sad news. Actually, it was Mulroney who filed for divorce, citing the ever popular “irreconcilable differences”. Man, California makes it so easy to get a divorce, no wonder everyone over there is getting married at the drop of a hat. But I digress. Call me, Catherine!

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Jennifer Esposito Divorces Husband after 4 Months of Marriage

4 May 2007

It’s tough keeping a marriage in Hollywood. Heck, it’s tough everywhere, but especially so when you live in Hollywood and you’re constantly surrounded by beautiful people, all of them who are entirely bangable and willing. Now I’m not saying that’s why Jennifer Esposito has filed for divorce from her husband, “Alias” star Bradley Cooper after just four brief months of marriage. According to their court filings, the ever-popular “irreconcilable differences” was responsible. What does that mean? Anything from “aliens replaced my wife is a pod” to “he sucks”. Basically, Jennifer Esposito is now single, and she needs to call me right away. They don’t call me “Rebound Rob” for nuthin’, you know.

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Anne Heche and Hubby are Splitsville

3 February 2007

Wha? Anne Heche got married? To a man? But I thought Anne Heche was gay? Say what? So how did she get married to a man? I thought she was shacking up with Ellen Degeneres? Oh man, I’m so confused. Apparently Anne Heche went and got married to some dude name Coley Laffoon five years ago, and the guy has now filed for divorce. And get this — apparently the duo met when Laffoon filmed a documentary on Degeneres, and now they have broken up because Heche is seeing another man. I mean, what the hell? Hollywood confuses me to no end, damn.

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Jenna Jameson Dumps Hubby for Tito Ortiz

12 December 2006

Adult film babe Jenna Jameson and her huge plastic gazonkas have apparently gotten tired of having to constantly sleep with the same guy, so she’s filing for legal separation (i.e. divorce) from her fellow adult film star husband Jay Grdina to roll in the hay with UFC champ Tito Ortiz. Connoisseurs of adult films (i.e. porn) already know that Jameson has been trying to go “legit”, which started with marrying Jay and only doing Jay onscreen, not counting other women because, apparently, it’s okay to have sex with other women, just not other men because, you know, that would be wrong or sumthin’. Hey, it’s the porn industry, whaddaya want, common sense? So anyways, Jenna is back on the market — if you can get past Tito, that is.

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Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are Splitsville

28 November 2006

From the Big Book of “No Sh*t, Einstein, tell me something I didn’t already know was gonna happen over four months ago”, here’s news that Pamela Anderson and Detroit rocker Kid Rock has divorced. This, after their epic “four weddings for the sake of it” whirlwind of a wedding waaaaaay back — which, in Hollywood parlance, means a few months ago. An “eternity”, of course, is a few weeks ago. Anyways, who cares, here are some hot pictures of Pamela Anderson, who is now back on the market. Call me, Pam! I just got a new ten speed bike, baby!

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It’s Official: Britney Spears and K-Fed are Divorced

7 November 2006

So apparently it’s official: Britney Spears has filed for divorce from wannabe rapper hubby Kevin Federline, better known to “the homies” as K-Fed. Personally I blame the split on, well, both of them. That’s what happens when you give white trash money and allow her to marry white trash. I mean, hell, folks, white trash + white trash don’t equal class, you know? You can read all about it here if this is something that interests you. Personally I find it irresistible — like driving by a car wreck. You know what happened, and you don’t want to look, but dang it, you just can’t look away.

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Reese Witherspoon Finally Ditches Ryan Phillippe

31 October 2006

The big celeb news around the celeb news watercooler is that mega movie star Reese Witherspoon is separating from her actor husband Ryan Phillippe. And yes, there is a difference between being a movie star and an actor — whereas Reese gets big bucket loads of money and can open movies (as they like to say Out There), Ryan gets a paycheck and can open a can of tuna — sometimes. So after 7 years of marriage (at least three lifetimes by Hollywood standards) and two kids, the couple are a-splittin’. I tell you, this always happens — when the woman of the couple gets bigger than the man (and hasn’t Reese been bigger than Ryan for what, 5 years now?), the man can never take it, and divorce is inevitable. See Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey for an example, or Jennifer Garner and Scott Foley, or Jennifer Lopez and that back-up dancer she married, etc etc. ‘Tis life in vain Hollywood.

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Meet the Divorce Lawyers: Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker are Splitsville

15 August 2006

I’m betting that the reason former playboy playmate and sometimes wannabe actress Shanna Moakler is splitting from her husband, Blink 182 drummer and tattoo fiend Travis Barker, is because of all the tattoos. I mean, come on, when you’re tatting your friggin’ neck, you got a problem, man. Or maybe it’s the curse of the MTV reality show, as Barker and Moakler becomes the second couple to split after being featured in their very own MTV reality show where every episode was about how much they love each other and wabby wobby doo doo. Mind you, not that I’m gloating. (But seriously, Barker needs to chill with the tattoos. What’re you gonna tell your grandkids when you’re 90, Barker? Dumbass.)

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Kate Hudson and Husband are Splitsville

14 August 2006

People.com is reporting that Kate Hudson and hubby Chris Robinson are splitting after 6 years of marriage and one son. Since Hudson’s “people” has confirmed this to People, it’s basically a done deal. Robinson, for those who don’t know, is the lead singer of The Black Crowes. This is usually when I make a smartass remark about how Hollywood marriages are doomed to failure, but since I sort of like Kate Hudson and she’s never flaunted her marriage the way that douche bag Ashton Kutcher does with his hag of a wife, I ain’t gonna. (But mark my words, when that half-tard Kutcher and Moore splits, I’m gonna have a ball and change.)

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What Charlie Sheen is Not Getting a Piece of Anymore…

14 May 2006

You gotta feel just a little bit sorry for Charlie Sheen. First he goes on radio and starts blabbing about how “in his experience” the 9/11 attacks were engineered by the American Government, then his wife divorces him and claims he’s basically the Devil Incarnate, just in time for the launch of his “kiddie” clothing line. Oh man, the guy is not having a very good 2006! And then there’s this — more visual evidence that Charlie Sheen has been F-in-the-A.

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Denise Richards: “Charlie Sheen Wants to Kill Me!”

24 April 2006

Remember when Charlie Sheen went on that tirade about how he thought Dubya was responsible for 9/11, and that America faked the whole thing in order to invade Iraq, etc? Well maybe this explains the genesis for tha nutty theory. Apparently according to Denise Richards, Charlie was on drugs, gambling, and doing all kinds of unsavory things, including threatening to kill her, while they were married. Read on…

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Shannon Elizabeth’s Ex Wants Her Money

16 March 2006

It sucks being a Hollywood couple, especially if you didn’t start out as one. Then one of you gets famous, the other gets pissed, and a divorce is inevitable. Then the not-famous half wants your money. Lots and lots of it, and everyone knows about it. Such is the sad affair of the ever so sweet Shannon Elizabeth, whose ex wants half of everything she owns. The bastard. Read on…

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Heather Locklear is Single Again — Call Me!

22 February 2006

A shocker for fans of Hollywood marriages that aren’t annulled a week after tying the not, as Heather Locklear and hubby-musician Richie Sambora announces their divorce earlier this month. So why did the two split? Apparently because ol Richie couldn’t get over his personal assistant Stephanie Heaton.

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