Scarlett Johansson is off the Market
If you’re like me (and God help you if you are), then you’ve probably been practicing your come-on line for that day when you stumble across Scarlett Johansson in a bar somewhere, hopefully while she’s on the rebound. Well, that’s sorta still possible, even if the news of the weekend is that Scarlett Johansson has gotten hitch to Ryan Reynolds somewhere in Vancounter, British Columbia, which I believe is in Canada or thereabouts. So what are the chances that this thing will actually work out? I dunno. They sure are pretty enough to make very pretty babies, but hot young celebrities usually don’t squirt out the kids unless the marriage is the RESULT of an unplanned pregnancy, in which case your chances of catching the female half on the rebound a year or so from now is pretty darn good. So, Scarlett Johansson is off the market. Here’s a look at what Ryan Reynolds will be coming home to at nights. The bastard.
Katharine McPhee Got Married
Why, Katharine, why? It’s not because the music stuff didn’t take off, was it? Gosh, I hope getting dropped from your label didn’t cause you to marry some plain 42-year old dude. I mean, come on, I’m even plainer than that guy, and I got at least 20 good years on him! Gah. The only thing worst than a really, really hot 20-something girl like Katharine McPhee (23, to be exact) marrying a really old guy (42!) is watching Katharine McPhee lose to Taylor Hicks on American Idol. I mean, seriously, what is up with this country? Anyhoo. Katharine has gone and gotten married to producer Nick Cokas over the weekend, and men everywhere weep. How many more pictures like the ones below will we continue to see before Nick spills his demon seed into our beloved curvaceous Katharine?
Eddie Murphy Marries Up with Tracey Edmonds
Let’s face it, Eddie Murphy’s career isn’t exactly at full steam right now, with the comedian/actor laying claim to more bombs than he has hits over the last few years, so when he got hitched to Tracey Edmonds over the New Year holiday, was there any doubt that he was marrying up? Besides everything I’ve already mentioned, Tracey Edmonds is just friggin’ hot. I mean, DAMN, Eddie, you done did good. Take a look at the pictures of Eddie and Tracey together, and tell me who got the better end of this deal. Yeah, you know I’m right.
In This Week’s “Duh” News: Jessica Alba is Engaged to Cash Warren
When we heard that Jessica Alba had gotten herself knocked up by Cash Warren, was there any surprise that we would hear about an engagement soon enough? Well it’s happened. Jessica Alba’s people have confirmed that the two are engaged, which is like a burglar breaking into your house, and then stopping to ask if he could take your stereo. My prediction for a divorce is two years from now if they stay away from each other enough, but one year if they continue to see too much of each other. I mean, come ON, do you really think this is going to last? There’s as much chance of that as there is a chance of ME dating Jessica Alba.
Hayes MacArthur Takes Ali Larter Off the Market
It’s official, boys — December is shaping up to be a bad month; first, some guy knocks up Jessica Alba, and now a nobody actor has taken Ali Larter off the market. That’s right: TV star and soon to be movie star Ali Larter said Yes when actor boyfriend Hayes MacArthur poppped the question over the weekend, reports E! Online. The two had been dating for almost two years, which is about two years longer than any of my relationships to my super hot imaginary girlfriends. So who is Hayes MacArthur? Um, he’s an actor who you’ve never heard of, which basically means he’s going to be the less famous of the couple, and that NEVER bolds well for a Hollywood marriage. Just take my word for it; when the guy is less famous (in this case, substantially less famous) than the girl, it always ends in divorce. Trust me on this one.
Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell Gets Married
In totally ridiculous news, hot-to-trot supermodel turned actress Rebecca Romijn has married not-that-hot-to-trot fat actor turned skinny actor Jerry O’Connell in “a small ceremony in Los Angeles on Saturday”, Romijn’s reps told People magazine. Now I’m not saying it’s some kind of cosmic wackiness that Jerry O’Connell ends up with a supermodel, because I have to admit, the guy has shed those pounds from his “Stand by Me” days, and is looking pretty buff nowadays. Then again, he is still Jerry O’Connell, and she’s still Rebecca Romijn, so…
Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer Wedding Pictures
“House” fans are either very eager to see what happens in Season 3 of the doc show now that co-stars Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer have gone and tied the knot during the show’s hiatus. My prediction? A lot of snookling between Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer’s characters, and the maybe-maybe not thing that was going between House and Jennifer’s Cameron? Kiss it goodbye, baby. Which would suck, as I think that weird relationship between them was one of the show’s charms. In any case, Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer got hitched, and Instyle Wedding was the first mag to snapped their post-wedding pictures. There was no Eva and Tony media frenzy around this bash, but then again, who wants photographers flying around in helicopters during the wedding? In any case, the couple looks radiant. Hope it lasts. Fingers crossed, anyone?
Rockets Center Yao Ming to Marry Ye Li!
Can it be? Is the gentle giant finally going to tie the knot and produce (one presumes) little bouncy 7-foot tall todders? Possibly. A Chinese site claims that Houston Rockets manager Daryl Morey has said that Yao Ming and Ye Li, a fellow basketball star on the Chinese women’s national team, will tie the knot sometime in August when the duo have finished their respective commitments. (Yao to the Houston Rockets, and Li to the Chinese National Team.) I’m not sure how big (tall) Ye Li is, but from the picture of the two of them together (below), they’re gonna produce giant babies! (Well, tall ones, anyway.)
Jon Cryer Marries News Anchor Babe Lisa Joyner
It’s good to be a TV star. How else could you explain dorky looking TV guy Jon Cryer somehow nabbing hottie news anchor babe Lisa Joyner? According to various outlets, the duo took the marriage plunge down in Mexico (I hope they got their shots before going down there) at the Chapel at Pueblo Bonito Sunset Beach in Cabo San Lucas. Cryer is 41 and Joyner is 40, but looks 35 at the most. Check out Lisa plying her trade in front of a camera below. What a babe.
Claire Forlani and Dougray Scott Wedding Pictures from Italy
In case you haven’t heard, boys, Claire Forlani (most recently seen as one of the CSI babes, New York division) is now off the market, having gotten hitched to Scottish actor Dougray Scott over the weekend in Italy. Here are pictures from the, from all appearances, very public wedding. (Did those guys in the background get invited or did they catch a flyer or something?) Why did the couple get married in Italy? Well, Claire Forlani is half-Italian, so I guess it makes sense. Kinda. Well, okay, it doesn’t really make sense, but they’re rich and famous, so it doesn’t have to. This is Claire’s first marriage and Scott’s second.
Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan Ties the Knot
On the plus side, this is one kiss that no one in India is going to be filing criminal charges because of. Then again, do they kiss in Indian weddings? Anyhoo, Bollywood’s first couple, Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan, have tied the knot in Mumbia, India over the weekend. Considering that there are 20 billion people in India, and most of them are Bollywood (India’s version of Hollywood) nuts, this is surely “the wedding of the century”, as it’s been called by everyone and their momma. Now I know they’re supposed to be happy, but judging from these pictures, neither bride nor groom looks all that enthusiastic. Hmm…
Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman Wedding Picture
I like Nicole Kidman, I think she is a genuinely nice person, and quite affable enough from what I can tell in interviews and talk shows and what have you, so I’m hoping she gets a couple of good years out of this marriage to Keith Urban. I mean, come on, folks, who are we kidding here? Didn’t this marriage come about because Nicole got preggers? And we all know how these marriages end up, don’t we? Especially these Hollywood ones? But in any case, I wish the couple good luck, and here’s their wedding picture. Keith is one lucky bastard.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Set to Marry?
That’s the big buzz all around the Internet this last few weeks, that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are set to get hitched real soon, maybe at George Clooney’s villa over in Italy. My guess is that this is a red herring. They’ll probably get married earlier than that to throw the press off balance. Whatever. Who cares, right? Here’s Angelina Jolie showing her love for grass. And tattoos. The girl really seems to like tattoos.