What Do you Call a Gaggle of Victoria’s Secret Models in One Location? Heaven, of Course.

When you’re a Victoria’s Secret model, you basically have one job: sell, sell, sell. Sell what? Um, whatever it is they think of to sell, which could be anything from undies you can eat to machineguns. Okay, so Victoria’s Secret doesn’t sell machineguns just yet, but trust me, it’s only a matter of time. (Yeah, right, like you guys wouldn’t buy an assault rifle if Miranda Kerr was holding it in an ad — while dress in her undies, of course. Two, please!) So with the holidays on the horizon, the Victoria’s Secret girls are out in force doing what they do best — selling the brand. Now normally this many hot women in one place would give me the vapors something awful, but since I’m not a Southern Belle, I’ll just have to deal with it. Present and accounted for are Heidi Klum, Karolina Kurkova, Selita Ebanks, Adriana Lima, Doutzen Kroes, Alessandra Ambrosio, Marisa Miller and Miranda Kerr. (I think there is one girl there who I haven’t seen before…)

Victoria’s Secret Fitting Day aka The Best Job in the World

So what do you call the guys who gets to put girls like Marisa Miller, Heidi Klum, and Miranda Kerr in lacy lingerie? Besides The Luckiest Bastard in The Whole Wide World, I mean. Well, actually, there isn’t a whole lot else to call him, except just that. Heck, I would do it for free, just as long as someone put me up for the night and gave me a hamburger here and there to live on. Other than that, I’m good with fitting Victoria’s Secret supermodels in their lacy frills for nothing at all. In fact, these girls are just so smoking hot, I would even ignore the fact that this year’s line of lingerie seems to be, er, kind of shitty looking. In particular what they have Heidi Klum wearing. My God, is it just me, or do they always end up giving her the most ludicrous thing to wear at these fashion shows?

Heidi Klum Guitar Hero Commercial

I have to admit, Guitar Hero is hit and miss with me. On the one hand, when I started playing it, I kinda thought it was fun. Then after a while, I lost the Guitar Hero in me, and kinda was bumming on the game. I haven’t picked up a fake guitar since, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. But you know what I am sure about? This Guitar Hero commercial with supermodel Heidi Klum in her bra and panties and man’s shirt doing her best Tom Cruise ala “Risky Business” impression. What’s hotter than Heidi Klum in bra and panties? Heidi Klum in bra and panties shaking her goodies at us for 30 seconds. Awesome, man, just f’in awesome. God bless you, Guitar Hero.

Heidi Klum is Naked … Except for some Body Paint

Trust me on this one: Heidi Klum is naked in these pictures. Well, mostly. She’s covered in body paint, which were drawn onto her body, and dammit if whoever drew it wasn’t, like, the world’s greatest body paint artist or something, because those damn paint are so good they would easily convince you they’re clothes. Which means looking at nude pictures of Heidi Klum gets a little bit harder because, well, whether those clothes are really there or not, they LOOK like they’re really there, so imagining Heidi Klum naked is, like, really hard to do and junk. But of course, I know that’s not going to stop some of you out there…

Heidi Klum Gets the Giggles, and It’s Still Hot

When you’re Heidi Klum, and you’re a supermodel from Germany making millions by wearing nothing or very little, then even when you get the giggles it’s hot. I mean, hell, when I get the giggles people always try to punch me, but you put a Victoria’s Secret model in her bra and panties and film her giggling and all of a sudden it’s hot as all get out. Is that fair, I ask you? Um, yup, what of it? See Heidi Klum giggle. (Okay, okay, so the fact that she’s wearing nothing but a sexy bra doesn’t hurt any. But I digress.)

Heidi Klum Jordache Ad

To be perfectly honest with you I don’t know if choosing Heidi Klum to be the model for your Jordache ads was such a good idea. Heidi is known for her curvaceous hips, but not her butt. Jordache jeans don’t look all that good on Heidi Klum as a result, although this ad for Jordache certainly looks good, but that might just be because Heidi Klum doesn’t happen to have anything ELSE on besides the jeans. Then again, Heidi is a supermodel, and how many supermodels do you know that have the ass to pull off making jeans look good? Precisely. By the way, what’s the deal with the whip? Is she getting ready to ride a horse or beat up her boyfriend? I’m hoping for the latter…

Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum Gets Cozy

How come everytime I turn my back Heidi Klum is getting cozy with another supermodel? Mind you, not that I’m complaining. A few days ago, Heidi was rubbing hot supermodel bodies with Marisa Miller, and today she’s bumping pretties with Tyra Banks. Speaking of which, you have no idea how average Tyra Banks looks until you stand her up against Heidi Klum. I don’t know the age difference between the two women, but I’m willing to bet it took the makeup people a lot longer to make Banks look respectable than it did Klum. One is going to mature hot, and the other? Well, not so much. In any case, you don’t see two supermodels together in such close vicinities very often, so enjoy.

Heidi Klum and Marisa Miller Together At Last

In case you haven’t heard, Heidi Klum and Marisa Miller are Victoria’s Secrets new “It” girls. Or at least, they’re wearing T-shirts that says they’re Victoria’s Secrets’ “It” girls. Very, very tight white T-shirts, I might add, but then you probably have that figured out. We’re talking about two smoking hot supermodels at the top of their game; of COURSE they’re going to be wearing clothes that are at least two sizes too small. Here are the two girls at a Victoria’s Secret booth (in a mall, one presumes) promoting the latest line of bras. Too bad they aren’t trying it on for the press. Wouldn’t THAT be fun? Yes, yes, it would be. And they look like they could be sisters, too. Ooooh, fantasy alert, boys! Fantasy material alert!

Gisele Bundchen Tops 2007’s Top-Earning Models

Gisele Bundchen makes too damn much money for doing very little. Or at least I don’t see her doing very much, but it’s not like I’m stalking her or anything. Anyways, she must be doing something right, because the girl pulled in a whopping $33 million in the last 12 months, according to Forbes, who lists the 15 Top-Earning Models for 2007. Coming in second was coke-snorting model Kate Moss with a weak $9 million, while German Heidi Klum, virgin Adriana Lima, and Double A of Hotness Alessandra Ambrosio came in 3rd, 4th, and 5th, respectively. (Klum scored $8 million, while Lima and Ambrosio managed $6 million both.) Frankly, if it was up to me, Adriana Lima should top the list, since she refuses to “top” any man out there. Supposedly, hint hint.

The Highest Paid Supermodel, Gisele Bundchen, Leaves Victoria’s Secret

In Brazilian Supermodel news, Gisele Bundchen, currently the highest paying supermodel in the world, has left lingerie monster Victoria’s Secret after Victoria (or whoever runs it) refused to bump up her annual $6 million a year salary and $50,000 per catwalk appearance. According to this, Gisele mad over $38 million last year alone. Who was her closest competition? Actress/model (but mostly actress now) Milla Jovovich made $11 million last year, while German’s toppest model, Heidi Klum raked in $10 mil. Who says it doesn’t pay to look good?

Heidi Klum Makes Football Fun

Not exactly sure what the ultimate purpose of this photoshoot is (i.e. why did they shoot this thing?), but it sure looks nice. Heidi Klum on a football field surrounded by Giants and Packers football players? I’m so confused, and yet so tantalized. Then again, it could just be the woman. Heidi Klum just does it for me; the woman doesn’t have to do much of anything, really, but doing a theme based on a sport that I dig certainly doesn’t hurt. And yes, I’ll say it: she can blow my whistle anytime.

Victoria’s Secrets “What is Sexy” Video

Heidi Klum Wants You to Wear her Bra

Heidi Klum’s got a new bra from Victoria’s Secret called “The Body” (personally I think “The Foot” might have been a better title, or maybe “The Ankle”, but I digress) and she wants you to buy it for her. Or, er, for your girlfriend to put it on and then pretend that she’s Heidi. Or something like that. In any case, here are some pictures of Heidi Klum holding her bra in her hands, which is probably as close you and I will ever come to seeing Heidi Klum, well, holding her bra in her hands in front of us and being able to brag, “Dude, I totally just saw Heidi Klum holding her bra in her hands while standing in front of me!”

Heidi Klum Shills for McDonalds

And if you actually believe German uber babe Heidi Klum eats at McDonalds more than once a year (okay, okay, let’s call it twice a year) then I got a bridge in Londo to sell ya. But I digress. Here are some amusing pictures of Heidi Klum at a McDonalds pretending to eat her Happy Meal. Now if they could get Kate Moss to come by and shove some salty fries into her mouth…

Mothers Should All Look as Good as Heidi Klum

How Heidi Klum keeps getting knocked up and coming back stronger and hotter than ever, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s her perfect German genes (the Master Race and all that jazz), or maybe Seal juice is good for you. If you’re a woman, I mean. Ahem. Regardless, here’s Heidi Klum in the latest issue of Jane Magazine, looking insanely good. You can practically hear what women everywhere are saying: “Oh come on, that’s just not fair!” Sorry, girls.

Heidi Klum, Biker Chick

You gotta love Heidi Klum. I mean, what’s not to love about this woman? Although she’s a supermodel, she’s by no means “just another skinny girl with long legs”, and she’s certainly put those great birthing hips of hers to good use courtesy of our man Seal. I don’t know who the two girls are joining Heidi for this bike-centric launch of something or rather (aren’t they always launching something?), but they certainly make for a gorgeous threesome. Heidi can ride me anytime. My bike, I mean. Ahem.

Heidi Klum in Man Magazine

For further proof that supermodels are so thin they are willing to resort to cannibalism on the first opportunity, here’s a picture of Deutchland’s most (only?) famous supermodel trying to take a bite out of herself in Man Magazine (and apparently she’s finger lickin’ good!). Speaking of which, she’s not the only one I’d like to take a bite out of, but perhaps I’ve said too much…

Heidi Klum Does Tyra Banks

Achtung baby! So Tyra Banks’ “America’s Next Top Model” was such a success (really???), that it spawned a German edition, with Deutchland’s own Heidi Klum serving as host and resident hottie. You know, I’m not sure about the idea of a German show where the “perfect” girl is chosen and the rest left “unwanted”, if you know what I mean. Um. Didn’t we fight two wars to keep these guys from doing this? But I digress. Here’s Heidi doing some “Top Model” promos.

Heidi Klum in Arena Magazine

Supermodel Heidi Klum gets all crotch-grabbing heavy in this Arena Magazine spread. I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s certainly a part of Heidi that most people have never seen. Watch that hand, Heidi! No, better yet, don’t! Um, now I’m confused. Anyone else? Oh, nevermind. Heidi Klum in Arena. Enjoy.

Heidi Klum Wants to be Your Valentine

…or at least sell you a lot of chocolate. Whatever, Heidi! You think all that chocolate was what helped her to get knocked up by Seal — again and again and again? What kid is she on, #455? This girl is going to give Kelly Ripa a run for her money!