Jessica Alba in the Love Guru Promos
I’ve been hearing some pretty bad things about Mike Myers’ latest stab at comedy, “The Love Guru”. Words like “piece of turd” and “holy crap that movie blows” keeps coming up. But hey, it may be both those things, but it’s also our best chance to see and fantasize about Jessica Alba while she’s still in her fighting weight — i.e. before she got knocked up by the son of Satan, because let’s face it, anyone who ruins that perfectly good body needs a good ass kicking. Jessica Alba has a lot of things going for her, but acting ability ain’t one of them. And of course by “a lot of things” I mean Jessica Alba has only one thing going for her — her looks. And so, here are some choice images from Jessica Alba in “The Love Guru”. The film’s new tagline should be: “Hey, the movie may suck, but Jessica Alba is in it, and she’s not pregnant!” I’d buy it.
Jessica Alba Stares You Down
The Internet is a pretty weird place, and it just got weirder with the invent of YouTube. Besides allowing every loser with the ability to videocast put their opinions on the net (you know, sorta like this dumbass site), YouTube has allowed people to “challenge” each other over a period of days by way of video. You’ve got dance-offs, rap-offs, and video responses to something or rather. Now you have … stare contests? Uh huh. There is apparently a whole slew of this crap on YouTube at the moment, and Jessica Alba, apparently finding time between being preggers with some dude’s love child, threw down her own gauntlet. It’s really stupid, but I gotta admit, having a really hot woman like Jessica Alba stare at you for two minutes is kinda hot.
Megan Fox is 2008’s Sexiest Woman in the World
I know what you’re thinking: “Gee, I wonder who is the sexiest woman of 2008?” Well since you asked so nicely, the guys at FHM went and did a poll, and the winner is Megan Fox. See? And people say I don’t provide anything worthwhile on the site that you could use in, like, daily work conversations or what have you. So if Fox is first, who are the rest of the sexiest best? Jessica Biel came in at #2, followed by last year’s winner, Jessica Alba. Elisha Cuthbert and Scarlett Johansson brings up the rear at #4 and #5, respectively.
The Big List of Chicks Who Make Lots of Money in 2007
US Magazine, a trade publication that I read every day while Vietnamese ladies of varying hotness and age do my nails and give me a nice rubdown, has a list appropriately called “What People Earn”. You know, because seriously, that’s, like, um, wow, that’s not a very creative list. But anyways, it gets the point across, and I suppose that’s what matters. And the point is that Miley Cyrus made $18 million last year, while fellow chick Jessica Alba made a measly $9 million. Hah! Jessica should be ashame of herself. She needs to work harder and stop getting knocked up is what she needs to do.
Jessica Alba in Gotham Magazine
Jessica Alba is preggers, so this spread for Gotham magazine probably took place months ago, although the issue was just released last month in February. Now I’m not saying that hot women should never get pregnant, but I am saying that hot women who gets pregnant are making a mistake. There’s all that water retention, the feelings of being balloon-like in size, and at the end of the 9 months, there’s all that pushing and sweating and crying — and that’s just going on an episode of Oprah! But in any case, here’s Jessica Alba in Gotham, a magazine devoted entirely to covering the exploits of a certain man who dresses up as a bat. (At least, that’s what my assistant Jorge tells me.)
Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Strippers
Hollywood does a lot of things well, but movie strippers is not one of them. More often than not, you’ll get an actress who wants all the cache of being able to say, “I played a stripper in a movie”, but without taking the clothes off. By not stripping, they are technically not playing strippers, as the word “strippers” would seem to imply the “stripping” off one of one’s clothes. Another major problem with movie strippers is the “good girl wants to go bad” syndrome, where an actress known for an innocuous career decides to “shock” us by playing a stripper to prove she’s grown up. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn’t. Here, then, are our Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Strippers.
Hollywood Top 5: Hottest TV Superpowered Girls
Hot girls on TV are pretty darn hot, but throw in a little super power, and all of a sudden it’s super power hot city. (Yeah, just go along with it.) So who are the hottest of the superpowered hot set? There are a lot of obvious ones (how about every girl that has ever showned up on either Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, for starters), but some you might not have thought of. And we’re not just talking about superheroes, either; pretty much anyone with powers, bad girls and good girls, qualifies for our little list. Here then, is our Hollywood Top 5: The Hottest TV Superpowered Girls.
Jessica Alba Does Cinema’s Horror Classics
Did you know that one of Jessica Alba’s parents is Mexican, and that she considers herself a “latina”? Unfortunately for Jessica Alba, most guys who meet her are too busy gawking at her rack to bother with her ethnicity, but she reveals all of it in the latest issue of Latina magazine, where she posed for some of horror cinema’s most famous scenes, including “Scream”, “Psycho”, and er, I have no idea where the other poses came from. I’m sure they’re from famous horror movies, but I just don’t have a clue. Anyhoo, you can read about Jessica Alba and why she’s “proud to be Brown” in the latest Latina issue, then check out some pics of Jessica Alba pretending to act. As if she knew how, heh heh, silly girl.
Jessica Alba Shower Scene From The Eye
In the new horror movie “The Eye”, Jessica Alba plays one of those hot girls who doesn’t know she’s hot, who also happens to be blind and play violin. Once Jessica Alba gets a corner transplant, she’s able to see, except what she sees are ghosts. Don’t you hate it when that happens? I know I do. Anyhoo. Here’s a scene from “The Eye” — it has a naked Jessica Alba in the shower, looking very perturbed. Towards the end you get a glimpse of ass crack. Being that Jessica Alba was not pregnant during the making of the movie, and all the good bits are basically hidden, this is probably her and not a body double. You be the judge.
In This Week’s “Duh” News: Jessica Alba is Engaged to Cash Warren
When we heard that Jessica Alba had gotten herself knocked up by Cash Warren, was there any surprise that we would hear about an engagement soon enough? Well it’s happened. Jessica Alba’s people have confirmed that the two are engaged, which is like a burglar breaking into your house, and then stopping to ask if he could take your stereo. My prediction for a divorce is two years from now if they stay away from each other enough, but one year if they continue to see too much of each other. I mean, come ON, do you really think this is going to last? There’s as much chance of that as there is a chance of ME dating Jessica Alba.
Jessica Alba is Pregnant with Cash Warren’s Demon Seed
Well it had to happen, kids. Some one has finally managed to impregnate Jessica Alba and ruin her for men everywhere. People.com says that they have confirmed that Alba is indeed preggers with assistant director Cash Warren’s lovechild. The two met and started dating in 2004 when they both worked on the set of the Godawful “Fantastic Four” movie. I guess crappy moviemaking wasn’t enough to mire their smoldering love. Jessica Alba is 26, Warren is 28, and now stop what you’re doing and listen to men everywhere weep in disgust. No more Jessica Alba bikini pictures for a while, I reckon, so these will have to do for now…
Scientists Say Jessica Alba is the Perfect Woman
We always suspected that Jessica Alba was the perfect woman (or at least, a very deliciously and very humpable one), but now mathematicians at Cambridge University have given us the proof we need to end all discussions on the topic. According to the braniacs, the secret of Jessica’s sex appeal is her, um, hip-to-waist ratio. No, really, that’s what they said. The bored geniuses claim that their calculation is based on the strut in a woman’s walk, “with 0.7 being the ideal ratio, providing the correct torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce.” So by those calculations, Jessica Alba is the most “I’d hit that” girl in the universe. Or somesuch. Here’s Alba in Arena Magazine.
Jessica Alba Until There’s a Cure Ad
Being the Hollywood starlet with a conscience that she is, Jessica Alba cares about HIV, world hunger, AIDS, and all that good stuff. In order to solve all those nagging problems, Jessica has taken part in the Until There’s a Cure advertising campaign, by posing in their ads wearing a bracelet. Oops, that’s not right. It’s not a bracelet, it’s The Bracelet (capitalization needed because it’s real special and whatnot). Now I’m not pooh-poohing this, but come on, if celebrities really wanted to help solve Third World problems, they would give half of their movie salaries to the poor in Africa instead of selling bracelets. Give me a break. She sure looks cute pretending to care, though. Thumbnail of the Cure ad to your left, bigger version below.
Jessica Alba in GQ Again
Jessica Alba loves GQ, and we love her for loving GQ, and GQ’s vice versa love for Jessica Alba. (As I recall, this is the second time Jessica has been in GQ this year.) Basically, it’s one big love fest, which isn’t a very hard thing to get into when Jessica Alba is posing all seductive and junk in revealing clothes. Because as everyone knows, the only thing better than a hot girl standing in your basement in person is a hot girl like Jessica Alba posing in a magazine giving you that “come do me” look. She may not be able to act her way out of her paper bag, but, um, she’s hot, and stuff.
Geek Love: Top 10 Comic Book Movie Babes, Part 1
Some took a major chance by slipping on the leotard (or in some cases, took off the clothes) for their role, and others, well, it was supposed to be a major break that never materialized into one. However it turned out, if you were a comic book fan and always fantasized what your favorite comic book babes would look like in flesh and blood and played by a named actress, then this Geek Love list is for you. And we’re not going to cheat, too. No videogame heroines like Lara Croft or Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux. Just comic book movie hotties. Here, then, are our Top 10 Comic Book Movie Babes, starting with #10…
Babes at the MTV Movie Awards: Final Round-Up
Okay, so we forgot a couple of really good looking women who attended Sunday’s 2007 MTV Movie Awards (aka the Movie Awards show that means absolutely nothing, but everyone seems to really love). Among those blessed angels we passed up (and shame on us!) were Elizabeth Banks (she’s changed somehow…), Jessica Alba (try to ignore the ugly dress), Amanda Bynes (our Amanda is growing up!), Jessica Biel (another fashion victim, and I don’t even know anything about fashion), Ashley Tisdale (sweet and sexy!), and finally, a barely recognizable Brittany Daniel. What exactly did Brittany do to herself? Only her stylist knows, and it’s too scary for me to find out.
Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck
In the movie “Good Luck Chuck,” Jessica plays a woman who is just so frakkin hot they had to make her character a klutz. Now that’s hot. Comedian Dane Cook plays the guy she falls in love with, but he can’t sleep with her because every woman he sleeps with immediately finds their soulmate — and it ain’t him. Which is quite the dilemma. Let’s see: bang Jessica Alba and lose her, or never bang Jessica Alba and don’t lose her. Wow, tough choice there, Dane! Anyways, some Jessica Alba-centric pictures from the movie. Basically, just two. Um.
Jessica Alba Gets Pulled Over in her Prius by the Cops
Jessica Alba is so concern about the paparazzi snapping pictures of her in her snazzy little Prius that she had her windows tinted so dark no one could see inside. Unfortunately for her, that’s against the law, and a cop pulled the “Fantastic Four” star over while she was leaving the gym. (And oh yeah, for some reason her car doesn’t have license plates.) But the funny thing is (and by “funny” I mean it’s “totally crap”), although people saw Alba getting a ticket on the street, TMZ says the LAPD has no such ticket on record. So let me get this straight: Jessica Alba and her Hollywood buddies drive a Prius and gets to bitch at me about Global Warming, but they’re above getting a ticket? Hmm…
Jessica Alba Bikini Pictures from GQ
Yah, I totally agree with you — these pictures of Jessica Alba in a swimsuit (I prefer to call them bikinis, even though, technically, they aren’t, but it just sounds better, don’t you think? Sexier.) could be much, much bigger. But hey, as the old saying goes, don’t lay down with dogs — er, I mean, beggars can’t be choosers. Or something along that line. Anyways, here is Jessica Alba’s recent spread in GQ Magazine. I don’t know what the deal is with the water bottle and the spitting out said water. I mean, it’s kinda hot, but also kinda, well, dim, if you get my meaning. Catch Jessica Alba in this summer’s “Fantastic Four” sequel and “Good Luck Chuck”, where according to the trailer, Jessica shakes some serious ass.
A Few More FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER Images
“Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer” will be out June 15th, 2007, but I’ll be damn if I can’t find anyone who is really all that interested in it. It’s kinda like the first one, which is what I’ve said from the beginning when they announced the sequel. I have nothing against “Fantastic Four”, but it just never seemed like a “must see” movie to me. In any case, the powers that be have unleashed some more images from the movie, so here they are. The film stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, and is directed by Tim Story.