Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Strippers
Hollywood does a lot of things well, but movie strippers is not one of them. More often than not, you’ll get an actress who wants all the cache of being able to say, “I played a stripper in a movie”, but without taking the clothes off. By not stripping, they are technically not playing strippers, as the word “strippers” would seem to imply the “stripping” off one of one’s clothes. Another major problem with movie strippers is the “good girl wants to go bad” syndrome, where an actress known for an innocuous career decides to “shock” us by playing a stripper to prove she’s grown up. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn’t. Here, then, are our Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Strippers.
…Because People Aren’t Having Sex in China
And you thought American culture was uptight when it came to sex. At least we never banned an actress because she simulated sex on screen! Which is what the Chinese have done with Tang Wei, the female star of Ang Lee’s WWII-era spy/drama/hedonistic fest called “Lust, Caution”. Because of Wei’s sexually explicit scenes in the film, the Chinese Government have decreed that all Chinese State media are to shun the poor girl. Which kinda sucks for Wei, because she currently has a nearly-million dollar deal with skin care brand Pond, and her commercials for them were running in China, the product’s biggest customer base, and with the ban in effect, Tang Wei’s face is to be completely wiped from China’s State-run TVs.
Willa Ford is Anna Nicole: The Movie Trailer
Oh come on, admit it, you’re dying to see this train wreck of a movie (kinda like the woman herself — wait, too soon?), so in service of giving my readers (yes, all two of you) what you came here for, here’s the movie trailer for “Anna Nicole”, the made-for-TV movie starring Willa Ford as … wait for it, wait for it … Anna Nicole. It’s directed by Keoni Waxman, veteran of way too many TV movies for someone who (probably) graduated film school with plans to make it big in Hollywood, and written by Joseph Nasser, whose name shows up at the start of the movie as the owner of the production company behind the movie. Wait, did this dude write the movie and then spent his own money to make it? Possibly. Of course I could probably do a little googling and come up with an actual answer, but nah, it might turn out to be wrong and that would just torpedo the last few sentences, which would just suck.
Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Villains
Some movie villains are so memorable that you even remember their name, first and last, years after they appeared onscreen as the villain. Who doesn’t know the name Hans Gruber? Or Goldfinger? Or Hillary Clinton? And then there are the ones whose names you can’t even remember seconds after the credit has rolled. And then, there are the ones that even while you’re looking at them onscreen, you can’t even fathom how anyone could conceive of them as villains in the first place. Here, then, are our Hollywood Top 5: Worst Movie Villains of all time.
Why Are Spoof Movies Sucking Donkey Balls Lately?
Didn’t spoof movies like the “Naked Guns” and “Scary Movies” (okay, the first “Scary Movie”) used to be funny? Yes, well, that was then. Every spoof movie right now is sucking so much donkey balls you can practically see how Godawful they’ll be from just the trailers. Here, let me just run down the list: “Epic Movie”, “Date Movie”, “The Comebacks”, “Meet the Spartans”, and the upcoming “Superhero Movie”. Seriously, not a single funny one in the bunch, not even the trailers. And you know that if the trailers aren’t funny, there is absolutely no hope the movie itself will be funny, because all the good stuff gets put into the trailer to lure in the audience. How bad are these movies? So bad that you kind of feel bad for the actors in the movie. I mean, Jesus, to have this crap on your resume…
The Rain Dance from Step Up 2 The Streets
So “Step Up 2: The Streets” made a buttload of money over the weekend in its opening debut, scoring more cash than anyone had expected, least of all me, for a sequel to a lame dance movie. The flick stars Briana Evigan, a hot newcomer, and I’m guessing her dance in the rain scene that was all over the film’s trailers (see the scenes below) was what sold it. Come on, how can a really hot girl with torn shirts dancing in the rain to crazy music not get the kids flooding the theaters? Check out the scenes for yourself and tell me you wouldn’t have run out to see this thing if you were, say, under 16. So, uh, why are they dancing in the rain anyway? Um, who knows, but it sure looks good, right?
Kristen Bell Bikini Pictures from Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Good God, does Kristen Bell look fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine in a two-piece bikini or does Kristen Bell look fiiiiiiiiiiiiine in a two-piece bikini? Yeah, I’m going to have to go with the former — and the latter. There is a brief scene in Kristen’s upcoming movie, the comedy “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, where Kristen’s character, the titular Sarah Marshall, bumps into her ex-boyfriend in a hotel lobby, and she’s wearing a bikini. And damn, I’m telling you, if that brief moment doesn’t sell this film, nothing will. Check out those bikini pictures from that scene, and the trailer for the movie, below. (And oh yeah, apparently the movie is also pretty funny.)
Batman: The Dark Knight Teaser Trailer
Geeks, point up your geek antennaes, because the Dark Knight teaser trailer is here, and oh my frakkin’ God does it look good or does it look good? I’m so lovin’ the gritty, down-to-Earth aura Nolan is doing with this one. And the Joker? Holy crap. Heath Ledger freaks me out, man. I don’t know what kind of make-up they’re using for his face, but it looks soooooooooo creepy. Seriously, wow. Check out the trailer for the movie below. The film is due out sometime next year. Probably Summer, since this kind of movie was built for Summer. Damn it’s good!
Rambo is Back. You Ready, Bitches?
You hear that? That’s the sound of some scummy soldier intent on raping the poor, lovely flower that is Julie Benz screaming in pain as Rambo guts him from ear to ear. Yep, there is buckets and buckets of blood in the latest Rambo sequel, to just be called “Rambo”, which I guess is kinda cool. It’s like “Rocky”, except, um, “Rambo”. Hmm, what’s the deal with Sylvester Stallone in movies that starts with “R” and has 5 letter words? And check it out, both titles are the names of his characters. Coincidence? I think not! Anyhoo. “Rambo” opens January 25th, 2008, and here are some stills from it. How badass does this thing look? As badass as Rambo trying to stab you with a snake. I mean, come on, that’s hardcore! You scared yet? Julie Benz is.
Live-Action Speed Racer Trailer
One word: Holy crap, this is weird. What the hell were the Wachowski brothers (well, one brother and one sister, now, that one of them went and got his you-know-what snipped off in favor of a you-know-what) sniffing when they shot this thing? It looks like what they were probably intending: an animated movie made in live-action. But if they wanted to make an animated movie in the first place, why didn’t they just, um, do one? Why make it live-action/super-trippy-weird? Oh well, check out the trailer for yourself and judge. Go go Speed Racer go go?
Katheryn Winnick in Horror Flick Amusement Trailer
This is interesting. I’ve sort of been a fan of Katheryn Winnick ever since she co-starred in a moderately budgeted horror movie called Satan’s Little Helper. It wasn’t that good, but Katheryn was. And yes, she was what you would call “hot” to boot. So basically, superficial looks being my only real criteria for everything, I of course followed her career. Her latest is the horror movie Amusement. Here’s the plot: “The movie tells the story about three women who are stalked by a killer with a grudge that goes back to the girls’ childhoods. Starring Katheryn Winnick, Laura Breckenridge, Jessica Lucas, Tad Hilgenbrink and more.” Check out the trailer below.
Rambo to Hell and Back Red Band Trailer
Rambo is back, and he’s gone to hell and back and he wants to introduce you to pain. Okay, so maybe introduce is too strong a word. Let’s just say he wants to spill your guts and probably eat it too if he has the time. Sylvester Stallone returns in Rambo To Hell and Back (I don’t know if that’s the official title, but maybe), and here’s your look at the Red Band trailer. Red Band trailers are basically R-rated trailers, and whoever cuts them delights in showing you cursing, nudity, and blood and guts. And oh man, does Rambo spill himself some blood and guts in this one! Too bad there isn’t any of the nudity portion, with the movie co-starring the hot Julie Benz and all. Behold: Rambo is back, bitches.
Catherine Bell in The Good Witch Promos
In the TV movie The Good Witch, Catherine Bell plays a witch who is, um, good, thus making her the good witch of the title. Easy enough, right? Hey, nobody ever said TV was hard to figure out, unless you were watching, you know, Jeopardy or sumthin’. As I hear it, Jeopardy is pretty bloody hard. Almost as hard as, say, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with Britney Spears that she can go from pop princess to the most f’-up girl in the whole wide world. But I digress. Here are some Catherine Bell in The Good Witch promos. If all witches look this good, hey, I wouldn’t mind getting possessed. Wait, do witches possess people? Argh, I gotta catch up on my fictional supernatural gobbly gook.
Latina Babe Mayrin Villanueva is a Bond Girl?
Or at least that’s the current rumor circulating around the latest Bond movie, which is Bond 50, I think, although I could be wrong. (I’m probably wrong.) Her name is Mayrin Villanueva, a Mexican actress from, well, Mexico, who has an extensive filmography in Spanish TV. You may have seen her in “Niña… amada mía” or, my personal favorite, “Vecinos”. You know I never miss a single episode of “Vecinos”. Everywhere I go, I make sure to ask the management first if they get “Vecinos” on the tube, because you know, a day without “Vecinos” is a bad day for moi. In any case, Mayrin Villanuev told someone who told someone and it’ll probably end up being false. Oh well, it’s an excuse to pose pictures of her, right?
Jessica Biel is a Nymphomaniac Who Gets Nailed
Well not really, but that sure was a great headline, right? The truth is, Jessica Biel will be playing an accidental nymphomaniac in her new movie Nailed, which will co-star that creepy dude from Brokeback Mountain, Jake Gyllenhaal. Via THR, in the film, “Biel would play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward small-town receptionist who has a nail accidentally shot into her head by a clumsy workman, eliciting wild sexual urges. The uninsured Joyce goes on a crusade to Washington to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured. She meets an immoral congressman (Gyllenhaal) who takes advantage of her sex drive and capitalizes on her crusade as Joyce heads into her own career in politics.” But see, it’s more of a comedy than an actual drama, so chances of seeing Jessica Biel undress and in wild sex scenes are nil to none. Maybe not completely? One can only hope.
The X-Files and Gillian Anderson Are Back!
Do you hear that? That’s the sounds of geeks everywhere jumping with joy at the news that The X-Files 2 has been greenlit by the studio for production, with the sequel set for a 2008 release. That means Gillian Anderson will be flying back from England, where she’s been plying her trade these last few years, to star once again in an American Hollywood movie alongside her TV co-star David Duchovney. Plus, Chris Carter, the guy who created the show in the first place, is also back to write and direct the movie sequel. I’m telling you, the stars are aligning for the geeks of the world. Now remember, you geeks, when the movie is released you better go out and see it! Just tell your mom you’re going out for a Subway sandwich or something.
Quite Possibly the Unfunniest Trailer for a Comedy I Have Ever Seen
Holy Mother of God. How unfunny is this trailer for the new sports-themed parody comedy “The Comebacks”? I swear to God, shouldn’t trailers for comedies be filled to the brim with all of the movie’s best jokes? So putting that theory into practice, does this then mean that the makers of “The Comebacks” have squeezed the funniest jokes their movie could muster into their trailer? And if that’s the case, does the fact that there is absolutely nothing funny about the trailer make “The Comebacks” then, well, a comedy without any comedy? Jesus H. Christ. How could you go so wrong parodying sports movie cliches? South Park has done a million times better than this in a 20-minute episode!
Fernanda Lima Wants to be a Bond Girl
Brazilian model, actress, and former Brazil MTV VJ Fernanda Lima has mentioned on her blog that she recently auditioned for a role in the upcoming Bond 22 movie, most likely playing a really hot Brazilian girl who James Bond meets and a minute later is doing the horizontal mambo with. Or in this case, the vertical salsa. You know, because that’s how James Bond likes to roll. No idea if she got the role or not, but hey, the Bond producers could do worst than hire her. The girl is certainly hot enough, and if the Bond movies are known for one thing, it’s their amazing display of eye candy. Check out a video of Fernanda Lima. This girl looks smoking in her pictures, but she actually looks even better moving around in video form!
Sam Jackson Kicks Ass in Jumper Trailer
Sam Jackson kicks the ass of that punk who played young Darth Vader in “Jumper”: A genetic anomaly allows a young man to teleport himself anywhere. He discovers this gift has existed for centuries and finds himself in a war that has been raging for thousands of years between “Jumpers” and those who have sworn to kill them. From the director of The Bourne Identity and Mr. and Mrs. Smith — Jumper hits theaters February 15, 2008. Check out the trailer below. It co-stars hotties Rachel Bilson (in the trailer) and Diane Lane (not in the trailer for some reason). Should be fun stuff.
Hilary Duff is All Wet in New Movie Greta
In her new movie “Greta”, Hilary Duff plays a waitress who falls in love with the cook at her restaurant. The problem? He’s black, and she’s white, and that causes problems with her grandparents. I’m guess she lives with them or something, since why would you care what your grandparents think. Now I don’t know how the above description of “Greta” has to do with these pictures of Hilary Duff at the beach, soaking wet and looking, as the kids would say, slammin’ hot, but that’s where I’m told they’re from so I’m going to go with it. If I’m wrong, well, who cares, you got to see a soaking wet Hilary Duff. You complaining, chum?