Paris Hilton is My New BFF. As if.
Is it my curse to continually mention that Paris Hilton, upon being released from prison, ran to Larry King to announce her epiphanies regarding the emptiness of her life and how she would like to change in order to better the world? Probably. Here’s great news for you TV lovers, because God has blessed us once again with a Paris Hilton Reality TV show. This time, Paris Hilton is once again set to wow us with her amazing generosity, as she gives 20 pathetic attention-seeking whores good souls the chance to become her new best friend in an MTV “Reality” TV show called Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. No, seriously. I know you think I’m making this crap up, but I promise you, I’m not. Keep reading.
Paris Hilton is like Mother Teresa, Except in Bra and Panties
Okay, so maybe Paris Hilton sorta didn’t live up to what she told Larry King after she got out of the joint — you remember, how she was going to turn her life around, and she was going to go to Africa to save the black kids and what have you. And yes, so maybe Paris Hilton is back to her old tricks of wearing very little clothe and retarded over-sized sunglasses. So what of it? She still looks pretty damn good, I have to admit, if a tad too skinny. Seriously, you could probably pick your teeth with her legs. Nice than, though. Here’s Paris Hilton doing her best Mother Teresa impression. Minus clothes, sort of.
Paris Hilton Shills for Prosecco
Hate her or love her, but you gotta give Paris Hilton her props. Who else could have made so much out of so little? Okay, so maybe being born with a gold spoon (no silver spoon for our Paris!) doesn’t hurt, but the girl has carved herself out a little career based on primarily, well, not a whole lot. Even after her stint in jail, Paris Hilton has continued to thrive, and yes, we’re pretty sure her much ballyhooed “lifestyle change” that she promised was crap, but does it matter? Anyhoo, here is Prosecco’s newest pitchwoman doing what she does best — lying down on the job. Har har, get it? Anyhoo.
Paris Hilton Cancels African Trip, Sluts Up Halloween
Remember when Paris Hilton came out of jail and started talking about how she wants to go to Africa to feed the starving children and feed breast milk to the kids because she had changed her ways while in the slammer, and she doesn’t want to take advantage of people anymore, but wants to give back? Well, apparently that was then, and this is now, and now Paris Hilton will instead stay in Hollywood where she can slut up Halloween because, gosh darn it, who needs Africa anyway? Yeah, here’s Paris going to a halloween party dressed as Alice with her ass revealed to the whole world because, you know, she changed when she was in jail. Um. Oh, Paris, you tease.
Paris Hilton Wants to Save African Kids
No, seriously. Stop laughing, you bums. Paris Hilton has reformed while in prison (she was inside for what, a week?), and she’s now ready to save the world. Or at least, some place in Rwanda, where she’ll be heading to on a charity mission sometime next month because, you know, if mingling with poor African kids is good enough for Angelina Jolie, then by God it’s good enough for the new, reformed Paris Hilton. Again, I have to insist you stop laughing. Here’s what Hilton told Newsweek: “There are a lot of bad people in L.A. Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties—it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world.” Seriously, stop laughing. It’s just rude.
Paris Hilton on the Cover of the Smashing Pumpkin’s Tarantula Single
Via InTouch Online, news is that the Smashing Pumpkins, formerly the coolest band on the planet, has just gotten 50% less cool by having Paris Hilton on the CD cover of their new single, “Tarantula”. This single was released in the UK, and shows Paris Hilton (thumbnail to your left, a bigger version below) holding a black berry and dressed in the costume of a 19th-century saloon hussy. Stereotyping, guys? Oh, Smashing Pumpkins, is this what it’s come to? How sad. “Tarantula” is the first song by The Smashing Pumpkins of their latest album “Zeitgeist”, their first album as a group since their break-up in 2000.
Monday is Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day
Saying that famed socialite Kim Kardashian has ass in the trunk is like saying Jessica Alba looks pretty darn good naked. And if you’ve seen that sextape with Kim and boyfriend R.J., well, let’s just say that the girl knows how to put that junk in her trunk to good use. And what’s Monday but Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day? Okay, so that’s not a real official day or anything, but according to my sources (by which I mean I’m making this crap up), Congress is about to look into finalizing the deal to make Mondays Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day for good. In an attempt to help move the bill along, here’s Kim in a bikini. And yes, that stick figure with her in a couple of pictures is Paris Hilton. She’s certainly looking mighty bag and bones pre-prison stint…
Paris Hilton’s First Post-Prison Bikini Pictures
And to think, there was almost a chance we might never see Paris Hilton frolicking about on the beach in an itty bitty bikini anymore. But thank God Los Angeles came to its senses and let Paris out of prison earlier than expected, which allowed her to fly to Hawaii and slip into this two-piece bikini on the beach. Paris said in an interview with Larry King that her prison experience has made her a change woman. We don’t know about that; she does look a little bit skinner (and yes, hotter), and she certainly looks slightly perturbed when she spots the paparazzi snapping these shots. Then again, she didn’t go straight into the house, so…
Video: Paris Hilton on CNN’s Larry King Live
In case you didn’t know (what are you, dumb?), Paris Hilton was on CNN’s Larry King Live last night, making the aging talk show her first post-jail TV interview. (So how much did CNN pay her for the privilege? Who knows. I’m guessing it probably wasn’t that much, considering the brouhaha over NBC’s alleged $1 million offer to interview Paris earlier in the week.) The interview itself is in 7 parts (part 1 is below, and you can catch the rest of it here), since she was on Larry King Live for the whole hour. I don’t know what Paris can talk about for a whole hour, but find out for yourself. Watch it before it gets pulled!
Video: Paris Hilton Released from Jail
Like the rest of the world, we were wondering, “Gee, when is Paris gonna get out of prison? Oh God, I hope she’s alright!” Okay, so maybe you weren’t wondering that, but in case you were, she got out of jail exactly 2:00 a.m. Central Time (my time), but midnight L.A. time. The pigtailed blond heiress walked out of jail looking much thinner and a little bit demure, and almost — SHY??? Well, she “looked” the part of a reformed heiress, anyway. What happens from now remainds to be seen. Video of Paris fresh out of jail below.
Nobody Wants to Pay Paris for an Interview — Except CNN?
Paris Hilton is due to be released from the slammer this upcoming Tuesday, after serving 23 days of her original 45-day sentence, thanks to “good behavior”. Basically, because she didn’t shank anyone, apparently, is enough to warrant “good behavior” in Los Angeles. (Is it any wonder O.J. was found not guilty of slaughtering two people? It’s L.A., baby, don’t try to make sense of it.) So this means the networks are lining up to interview Paris, right? Well, not really. After NBC got called out on trying to pay Paris $1 million for a sit-down interview, they have since gone into hiding, claiming the offer was never out there, and now ABC has gotten caught trying to do the same.
NBC To Pay Paris Hilton $1 Million for Post-Jail Interview?
Sort of. Well, maybe. But probably not. (Then again, maybe Yes.) But news came out earlier in the week that NBC was going to pay Paris Hilton a whopping $1 million for the hotel heiress’ first post-jail sit-down interview because, you know, Paris has a lot to say, and it’s sure to revolutionize the world. Or maybe not. Yesterday NBC came out and said they weren’t going to shill out any such amounts, that it was all a rumor. But people aren’t buying it, and they’re still saying NBC’s Meredith Viera will do the interview. True? Untrue? Too stupid for words? You decide.
Oprah Winfrey Tops Forbes’ 2007 Most Powerful Celebrity List
It’s official: Oprah Winfrey has more power than God himself. Or at the very least, she’s got more money than him. And whose to say Oprah Winfrey isn’t, in fact, God in disguise? Hmm, something to think about there, kids. Anyways, in Forbes Magazine’s annual list of “100 Most Powerful Celebrities”, Oprah knocked off last year’s king, Tom Cruise, and jailbird sent Paris Hilton tumbling off the list completely. Golfing fool Tiger Woods came in second (seriously, golf?), while aging skank Madonna somehow managed to fake her way into third. Aging rockers The Rolling Stones clung to #4, while Brad Pitt handsomed his way into #5.
Paris Hilton has Found God in Prison
For some convicts, it takes years and a couple of shankings in the back before they bow down to the Power of God, but for Paris Hilton all it took was three days for the hotel heiress to “find God” while in prison. Or at least that’s what she told pandering “journalist” Barbara Walters over the phone. Yes, over the phone. Paris Hilton admitted to Walters that she’s found God over the phone. Says Paris: “I used to act dumb… It was an act. That act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who look up to me.” Wait, that was an all act??? Holy Cow, the girl is a brilliant actress!
Music Video: Paris Hilton Goes Back to Jail
Hey, look, it’s Paris Hilton all day today! Well this will probably be the last post I make about Paris Hilton and her out of jail, back in jail escapades. To cap off this eventful day (Paris Hilton-wise, that is), here’s a music video by some chaps who were creative enough to put this thing together in a jiff and launched it on the web. I’m still feeling kinda sorry for Paris, but this video is kinda funny. Not ha-ha funny, but you know, in the right frame of mind, it’s a laugh riot.
Paris Hilton Returns to Jail, Ordered to Serve Full 45 Days
So I was watching CNN when they reported that Paris Hilton had been ordered back to jail. But that wasn’t all. Apparently the judge was so steamed (and most likely, got tired of people criticizing him) that FoxNews is reporting he’s now ordered Paris Hilton to serve her full original 45-day sentence for driving with a suspended license. Paris Hilton was heard to scream, “Mom!” and “It’s not right!” as she was escorted out of the courtroom and into a waiting patrol car in the back by a female deputy.
Paris Hilton Back in Court (Update: Returns to Jail!)
Has the long arm of Justice caught up with Paris Hilton once more? It would appear so (or perhaps not) with news that Paris, coming after her abrupt departure from the L.A. County Jail on her driving with a suspended license sentencing, has been ordered to re-appear in court. MSN reports that “a crying Paris Hilton was taken to court in a police car Friday for a hearing on her early release from jail, heightening the struggle between the judge who sentenced Hilton and the sheriff who turned her loose.” Basically, the judge is pissed, the people are pissed, and the only ones happy are Paris lovers and her friends and family.
Paris Hilton Has Nervous Breakdown, Gets Released from Jail Early
So when I get arrested and tossed in jail for driving like a retard on the highway at night with my lights turned off and endangering everyone on that highway with me, all I have to do is pretend to have a nervous breakdown and they’ll let me out of jail and retire to my comfy little home? Oh hell no! But then again, that’s why she’s Paris Hilton, and we’re not. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing?) Which is the news around the gossip water cooler today: Paris Hilton has been released from prison early today (3 days in the clink and out!) and into home custody after prison authorities feared the heiress was going to suffer from a mental breakdown that could possibly lead to suicidal thoughts. Um.
Video: Sarah Silverman Bitch Slaps Paris Hilton at the MTV Movie Awards
In case you missed it, here’s the video of Sarah Silverman bitch slapping Paris Hilton with some jokes at the MTV Movie Awards held last Sunday. My favorite part? Silverman simply mentions that Hilton is going to jail tomorrow, and the crowd cheers and claps. Then the camera turns to Paris and — wow, you have to see it. (See it now, hurry, before the video gets pulled! You’ve been warned!)
Paris Hilton’s Booking Photo
Admit it, you’ve been waiting to see this ever since you heard Paris Hilton was going to jail. Come on, it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with indulging in a little schadenfraude, especially when it’s Paris Hilton at the wrong end of things. This girl has had it so easy for so long, it’s about time she finds out what it’s like in the real world when even mommy’s money can’t buy her out of trouble. So, without further ado, here’s Paris Hilton’s police booking photo from the Los Angeles County Sheriff via the AP. Is it me, or is she “posing”…?