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Paris Hilton is My New BFF. As if.
Is it my curse to continually mention that Paris Hilton, upon being released from prison, ran to Larry King to announce her epiphanies regarding the emptiness of her life and how she would like to change in order to better the world? Probably. Here’s great news for you TV lovers, because God has blessed us once again with a Paris Hilton Reality TV show. This time, Paris Hilton is once again set to wow us with her amazing generosity, as she gives 20 pathetic attention-seeking whores good souls the chance to become her new best friend in an MTV “Reality” TV show called Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. No, seriously. I know you think I’m making this crap up, but I promise you, I’m not. Keep reading.
Paris Hilton is like Mother Teresa, Except in Bra and Panties
8 March 2008
Okay, so maybe Paris Hilton sorta didn’t live up to what she told Larry King after she got out of the joint — you remember, how she was going to turn her life around, and she was going to go to Africa to save the black kids and what have you. And yes, so maybe Paris Hilton is back to her old tricks of wearing very little clothe and retarded over-sized sunglasses. So what of it? She still looks pretty damn good, I have to admit, if a tad too skinny. Seriously, you could probably pick your teeth with her legs. Nice than, though. Here’s Paris Hilton doing her best Mother Teresa impression. Minus clothes, sort of.
Paris Hilton Shills for Prosecco
27 December 2007
Hate her or love her, but you gotta give Paris Hilton her props. Who else could have made so much out of so little? Okay, so maybe being born with a gold spoon (no silver spoon for our Paris!) doesn’t hurt, but the girl has carved herself out a little career based on primarily, well, not a whole lot. Even after her stint in jail, Paris Hilton has continued to thrive, and yes, we’re pretty sure her much ballyhooed “lifestyle change” that she promised was crap, but does it matter? Anyhoo, here is Prosecco’s newest pitchwoman doing what she does best — lying down on the job. Har har, get it? Anyhoo.
Paris Hilton Cancels African Trip, Sluts Up Halloween
30 October 2007
Remember when Paris Hilton came out of jail and started talking about how she wants to go to Africa to feed the starving children and feed breast milk to the kids because she had changed her ways while in the slammer, and she doesn’t want to take advantage of people anymore, but wants to give back? Well, apparently that was then, and this is now, and now Paris Hilton will instead stay in Hollywood where she can slut up Halloween because, gosh darn it, who needs Africa anyway? Yeah, here’s Paris going to a halloween party dressed as Alice with her ass revealed to the whole world because, you know, she changed when she was in jail. Um. Oh, Paris, you tease.
Paris Hilton Wants to Save African Kids
16 October 2007
No, seriously. Stop laughing, you bums. Paris Hilton has reformed while in prison (she was inside for what, a week?), and she’s now ready to save the world. Or at least, some place in Rwanda, where she’ll be heading to on a charity mission sometime next month because, you know, if mingling with poor African kids is good enough for Angelina Jolie, then by God it’s good enough for the new, reformed Paris Hilton. Again, I have to insist you stop laughing. Here’s what Hilton told Newsweek: “There are a lot of bad people in L.A. Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties—it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world.” Seriously, stop laughing. It’s just rude.
Paris Hilton on the Cover of the Smashing Pumpkin’s Tarantula Single
5 July 2007
Via InTouch Online, news is that the Smashing Pumpkins, formerly the coolest band on the planet, has just gotten 50% less cool by having Paris Hilton on the CD cover of their new single, “Tarantula”. This single was released in the UK, and shows Paris Hilton (thumbnail to your left, a bigger version below) holding a black berry and dressed in the costume of a 19th-century saloon hussy. Stereotyping, guys? Oh, Smashing Pumpkins, is this what it’s come to? How sad. “Tarantula” is the first song by The Smashing Pumpkins of their latest album “Zeitgeist”, their first album as a group since their break-up in 2000.
Monday is Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day
2 July 2007
Saying that famed socialite Kim Kardashian has ass in the trunk is like saying Jessica Alba looks pretty darn good naked. And if you’ve seen that sextape with Kim and boyfriend R.J., well, let’s just say that the girl knows how to put that junk in her trunk to good use. And what’s Monday but Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day? Okay, so that’s not a real official day or anything, but according to my sources (by which I mean I’m making this crap up), Congress is about to look into finalizing the deal to make Mondays Kim Kardashian Asslicious Day for good. In an attempt to help move the bill along, here’s Kim in a bikini. And yes, that stick figure with her in a couple of pictures is Paris Hilton. She’s certainly looking mighty bag and bones pre-prison stint…
Paris Hilton’s First Post-Prison Bikini Pictures
1 July 2007
And to think, there was almost a chance we might never see Paris Hilton frolicking about on the beach in an itty bitty bikini anymore. But thank God Los Angeles came to its senses and let Paris out of prison earlier than expected, which allowed her to fly to Hawaii and slip into this two-piece bikini on the beach. Paris said in an interview with Larry King that her prison experience has made her a change woman. We don’t know about that; she does look a little bit skinner (and yes, hotter), and she certainly looks slightly perturbed when she spots the paparazzi snapping these shots. Then again, she didn’t go straight into the house, so…
Video: Paris Hilton on CNN’s Larry King Live
28 June 2007
In case you didn’t know (what are you, dumb?), Paris Hilton was on CNN’s Larry King Live last night, making the aging talk show her first post-jail TV interview. (So how much did CNN pay her for the privilege? Who knows. I’m guessing it probably wasn’t that much, considering the brouhaha over NBC’s alleged $1 million offer to interview Paris earlier in the week.) The interview itself is in 7 parts (part 1 is below, and you can catch the rest of it here), since she was on Larry King Live for the whole hour. I don’t know what Paris can talk about for a whole hour, but find out for yourself. Watch it before it gets pulled!
Video: Paris Hilton Released from Jail
26 June 2007
Like the rest of the world, we were wondering, “Gee, when is Paris gonna get out of prison? Oh God, I hope she’s alright!” Okay, so maybe you weren’t wondering that, but in case you were, she got out of jail exactly 2:00 a.m. Central Time (my time), but midnight L.A. time. The pigtailed blond heiress walked out of jail looking much thinner and a little bit demure, and almost — SHY??? Well, she “looked” the part of a reformed heiress, anyway. What happens from now remainds to be seen. Video of Paris fresh out of jail below.
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14 March 2008