Christina Aguilera Pimps the Kid Out for Votes
Christina Aguilera isn’t just a pop star and former drrrty girl (you just know that that little “drrrty” phase of hers is going to follow her to the end of time, don’t you?), she’s also concern about voting. And she wants you to vote. And she doesn’t care who you vote for, either, as long as you vote. Oh who am I kidding. Of course she cares who you vote for. His first name begins with “B” and ends with “k”. If Christina Aguilera and her ilk even considers voting for someone without a “D” in parenthesis at the end of their name, their heads would probably explode. By the way, is it just me, or is that kid of hers nearly half her size already? Good God, Christina Aguilera really is a midget.
Rachael Ray and Dunkin Donuts Support Terrorism
I knew it. The first time I saw Rachael Ray’s peppy, bubbly self on TV, I thought to myself, “Now that’s a girl who endorses terrorism!” Well, not really, but if I had seen this ad with Rachael Ray for Dunkin Donuts I would have thought exactly that. Well, okay, not really again, but apparently some people are seeing a link between endorsement of terrorism and Rachael Ray’s Dunkin Donuts commercial because she was wearing what appeared to be an Arab kaffiyeh, or scarf (see picture below). The hullabaloo has gotten so bad that Dunkin Donuts has pulled the commercial and released a statement that they do not endorse terrorism. Wow. And here I thought the girl was just, you know, playing a homeless chick who likes coffee or something. Read all about it here.
John McCain on Saturday Night Live: He’s Old
If you’ve been listening to the Democrat talking heads on TV (and pretty much whenever they get the chance they’ll tell you), John McCain is old. Really, really old. So old that, apparently, if a wind blew at him, it would blow him to another State. McCain has heard it, heard the late-night jokes, and he decided to not fight it; instead, he joined in. I saw the tail end of his guest appearance on Saturday Night Live last night, and found the YouTube version. My favorite: “The oldness it takes to protect America, to honor her, love her and tell her about what cute things the cat did.” Will it backfire? Who knows. America loves people who makes fun of themselves. It might just be crazy enough to work for the old timer…
Presidential Candidates on WWE Raw
Let it never be said that there is a politician out there who has too much integrity to pander to pretty much anyone with a vote to cast. In an effort to get more votes, all the three Presidential candidates still left standing made their pitch to the WWE crowd in bad attempts at being funny. Hillary’s was just painful to watch, Barack’s was like listening to a tape recorder repeating the same crap over and over, and McCain’s made me want to punch myself in the face. I wouldn’t call this “haha” funny, it’s pretty damn funny in a, “Oh my God, that was so pathetic it’s sad” sort of “haha”. Which is, now that I think about it, really isn’t that funny.
Hillary Clinton Didn’t Lie About Bosnia: Proof Inside!
The big brouhaha in the Good U.S.of.A has been Hillary Clinton’s, er, mistaken belief that walking around in the open air with some soldiers constituted “dodging sniper fire”. Some people have called what Hillary did lying through her teeth not once, twice, but three times on the same subject, but after a lot of digging, these guys were able to find the file footage that, indeed, showed Hillary Clinton and brave, brave Chelsea dodging sniper fire (or snipery, as Hill calls it), nuclear blasts, and general chaos on the Bosnian battlefields. And when called to do so, Hillary even picked up arms and took down a bad guy. I shit you not. The video proof is here!
Celebrities are Disingenuous
Don’t you love it when a celebrity shows up at your college and goes on and on about how he loves Barack Obama, and how Obama is going to bring change to the country and finally get us over to Mars where we can rape and pillage to our heart’s desire, and finishes it up by telling you to go out and vote, but they don’t care who you vote for? Oh yeah? If that’s true, then why did you just spent two hours shoving Obama down my throat, you disingenuous prick? So that’s what happened with this story, which had Zachary Quinto from Heroes and Dule Hill from Psyche (some show on cable, I guess) going around college campus pretending they don’t care who you vote for, as long as you vote. Riiiiiiiiiight.
Shia LaBeouf Wanted by the Cops for Smoking
Quick question: did you know it’s now illegal to smoke outside on the sidewalk in some cities, such as Los Angeles? Apparently so. Actor Shia LaBeouf was recently cited for “unlawful smoking” (whatever the hell that means) and ticketed. I shit you not. This is not April and this isn’t some April Fool’s joke. MTV’s got this story about LaBeouf now having a bench warrant out for his arrest when he failed to show up in court to pay his “unlawful smoking” ticket. Holy shit. Did someone replace my country with Nazi Germany and forgot to tell me about it?
Eliot Spitzer aka Client 9 Likes his Prostitutes Pricey
Wall Street must be dancing today, because their bogeyman, Eliot Spitzer, has been caught with his pants down — literally. Well, okay, maybe not literally, but he was caught arranging by phone to get his pants down with a high-priced call girl last month. Today, the self-righteous Spitzer (who liked to style himself as a “crusader” i.e. ambitious political hack) aplogized publicly for boning a woman other than his wife, which is a damn shame as the wife still looked like she could go a few rounds, if you know what I mean. But hey, that’s a politician for ya. Was it any surprise that the guy who crusaded to destroy those “Wall Street villains” turned out to be a dude who likes to whore around behind his wife’s back? More on Spitzer, or as he’s known by the hos, Client 9, and his whoring ways.
Video: SNL Fawns Over Obama Mania
Am I the only person left in America who doesn’t see the “charm” of Barack Obama? Oh sure, the dude can spin a speech when you put it on the teleprompter and all he has to do is read it, but try asking the dude a question without the teleprompter and it’s like talking to George Dubya Bush all over again. He stumbles and fumbles and barely gets a coherent word out. And apparently the media wants us to think that Obama is the second coming of Jesus H. Christ. Here’s a fantastic Saturday Night Live skit that makes fun of the media’s sad love affair with Obama. I didn’t think anything could make me feel sorry for Hillary, but I swear, the media’s obsessive man crush on Obama will just about do it.
Video: Hillary for You and Me
Awkward white people really like Hillary Clinton. Well, they’re probably the only ones, because Barack Obama is wiping the floor with Hillary all across the grand ol United States. But hey, that’s not going to stop these select few of awkward white people, who somehow roped a couple of black dudes to help them sing “Hillary for You and Me”. Yes, it really is as awkward and so lame as it sounds. Now how someone, even the most mush-head Liberal, could vote for Hillary over Obama is a total mystery to me. On one side, you got an old, power hungry hag, and on the other, you got a young, charismatic dude — and you’re singing a song about voting for the hag? Priceless.
Political Heat: Kirsten Powers
Another reason to love the current Presidential coverage that’s all over the cable news networks is Democratic strategist and hottie blogger Kirsten Powers. And let’s face it, bloggers are rarely also hotties, but Kirsten Powers, with those luxurious blonde hair and twinkle in her eyes qualifies as both a hottie and a blogger. What you might not know about Powers is that she is originally from Alaska, and she once served in Bill Clinton’s Administration. How much you wanna bet that Bill was trying to tap that ass everytime she stepped into the same room with him? Not a whole lot of pictures of Kirsten Powers online, but some videos will have to do.
Iran’s Lame Ass Navy Harasses U.S. Warships
If this view of a a bunch of Iran fast-boats harassing a group of U.S. Navy warships wasn’t so outstandingly awesome, it would be funny. I mean, can you imagine a bunch of speed boats harassing giant, towering, loaded-with-weaponry Navy ships by speeding around them? Is this Iran, a country trying to get nukes, or are they McHale’s Navy? Here’s the actual footage of the incident between Iran’s idea of a “Navy” (snicker) and an actual Navy in the Strait of Hormuz. Behold Iran’s secret naval power — a bunch of guys on boats that zips around really fast! My God, how could we ever win in a fight against these…behemoths???
America’s Sexiest Mayor: Carmen Kontur-Gronquist
So she’s a mayor and she has a Myspace page where she posts revealing lingerie pictures of herself with a fire truck in the background. So? What’s the big deal? Oh, right, she’s the mayor of a town and she has a Myspace page. What the hell? You know, people are going on about Carmen Kontur-Gronquist’s lingerie picture (below), but what’s more unsettling about all this hullabaloo is that a grown woman, who is also a mayor of a town, actually has a Myspace page. My nieces have Myspace page. But then again, they’re 12 and 18, respectively. Carmen Kontur-Gronquist is what, in her ’40s? (Although, for a 40-ish chick, she’s still packing some serious heat there, kids. Nice abs, Mayor!)
Political Heat: Amy Holmes
She’s in her thirties, she’s super hot, she’s a Republican, and she’s been on CNN, the FOX News Channel, and that other channel that no one watches, but covers politics, too. And she’s no dummy, either. Amy Holmes graduated from Princeton University with a BA in Economics, which is pretty damn impressive. And did I mention that she’s really hot? Yup, I might have. Amy Holmes is the kind of girl that makes you watch political news shows — with the sound turned off, of course. Plus, she has really cool hair. You don’t see a whole lot of politico folks with cool hair, but Amy Holmes does.
Iowa Caucus Political Special: Obama Girl, Hillary, Mike and Chuck
Let’s face it, politics suck, and politicians suck even more. Take the whole brouhaha happening over in Iowa at the moment. A bunch of rich politicians are trying to buy the votes of a bunch of white country folks for some kind of recognition. So what can you do but laugh at them? And how do you do that? You bring back Obama Girl, you dive into some Succubus Hilary (wow, Hillary with red lipstick, I’m so aroused), John Edwards being the empty suit and crappy hair that he is, and you return to the best political ad you’ve seen in at least 20 years, the Chuck Norris for Mike Huckabee ad. Bring on politics, baby, I ain’t ascared!
Nicolas Sarkozy’s New Lady: Carla Bruni
God Bless the French. Who else could think something like this would not only happen, but happen without any fanfare whatsoever BUT the French? If you don’t know, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has dumped his wife and is now jetting around with former supermodel turned musician turned all-around babe Carla Bruni. Seriously, if an American politician had tried this, those ridiculous Bible thumpers would be all up in the man’s grill. Can you imagine Bill Clinton dumping Hillary and going after, say, a movie star from Hollywood? Only in France.
Vladimir Putin is Time’s 2007 Person of the Year
Who says being a douche bag dictator doesn’t pay? Just ask ex-KGB thug Vladimir Putin, who was recently selected by Time Magazine as their Person of the Year. (Not MAN of the year, mind you, because that wouldn’t be politically correct, and Time is nothing if not pathetically politically correct nowadays.) Failing to meet the same level of douche baggery as Putin, and thus, failing to win the title, were environmental gasbag Al Gore, hokey fantasy writer J.K. Rowling, some dude from China name Hu Jintao, and U.S. Army General David Petraeus. Obviously Time’s Person of the Year title is a joke if someone like Rowling can actually be called a runner-up; who is running this magazine nowadays, 12-year old kids who still believes in unicorns and trolls?
Mike Huckabee is so Tough, Chuck Norris is Scared of Him
Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is so tough, even Chuck Norris is afraid of him, and you know damn well that Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of no man, living or dead, or somewhere in-between. It’s also probably because Huckabee is so tough that Chuck voluntarily did this endorsement video ad for him, even though we all know Huckabee doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the election. You know what’s the funniest thing about this ad? Chuck is an actor (well sort of, you know what I mean), but his line reading is stilted as heck, while Huckabee is a politician, and his line delivery is as smooth as silk! Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Oh, Chuck, if I wasn’t afraid you would come to my house and beat the crap out of me, I’d call you silly. Here’s Chuck’s ad for Mike Huckabee.
Jon Stewart and Chris Matthews Throwdown
So I’ve been hearing about this throwdown between Jon Stewart and Chris Matthews on the Daily Show forever this morning, and finally found the clip of it. The confrontation only lasts for a minute or so, and the rest is a lot of talking about what happened. Basically, Matthews went on The Daily Show to hawk his book and expected to find a friendly audience, but instead Stewart lit into him. It’s great stuff, and you sort of feel sorry for Matthews after a while. Well, sort of, if he wasn’t such an overbearing douche bag, that is. The best line? Matthews asks Stewart to come on his show, and Stewart replies with a straight face: “I don’t troll.” Oh…my…GOD.
Florida Student Gets Tasered at John Kerry Town Hall Meeting
This is great. Finally something happens at a John Kerry event that I can get behind. So what’s going on here? Well some University of Florida student (Andrew Meyer, 21) gets way over his head talking to John Kerry, who is on stage, about Bush stealing the election before going on to accuse Kerry of being co-conspirators with Bush (or something like that). Basically, the kid is out of his mind and is spitting out crap he heard from some book he read and being the stereotypical college student mush head that he is, he took what he was told and ran with it like it was the God’s Honest Truth and Nothing Will Change His Mind. And oh yeah, he gets tasered, all the while screaming about wanting someone to do something to save him. Here’s my favorite line: “Don’t tase me bro! Don’t tase me!” It made me laugh my ass off.