Scarlett Johansson is off the Market
If you’re like me (and God help you if you are), then you’ve probably been practicing your come-on line for that day when you stumble across Scarlett Johansson in a bar somewhere, hopefully while she’s on the rebound. Well, that’s sorta still possible, even if the news of the weekend is that Scarlett Johansson has gotten hitch to Ryan Reynolds somewhere in Vancounter, British Columbia, which I believe is in Canada or thereabouts. So what are the chances that this thing will actually work out? I dunno. They sure are pretty enough to make very pretty babies, but hot young celebrities usually don’t squirt out the kids unless the marriage is the RESULT of an unplanned pregnancy, in which case your chances of catching the female half on the rebound a year or so from now is pretty darn good. So, Scarlett Johansson is off the market. Here’s a look at what Ryan Reynolds will be coming home to at nights. The bastard.
Win a Threesome with Scarlett Johansson
In what might just be the greatest movie tie-in in the history of all movie tie-ins, Scarlett Johansson is offering herself up for a threesome with one lucky winner. To enter, all you have to do is email her with your best response as to why you should be the lucky bastard who gets to participate in a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and another lucky bastard (or gal — hopefully a gal). Obviously, you know what this means — a long night of wild sex in all kinds of position. With Scarlett Johansson. And a third person. Yes, that’s right. It’s — oh, who are we kidding. You’ll probably end up at the movie premiere with ScarJo and some other dude or something. But hey, one can dream, can’t one?
The Tonight Show with Scarlett Johansson’s Rack
So I was catching up on the latest going ons in the world of politics last week, and a particular story caught my attention. It has Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama dating. No, KIDDING. There was this thing about how Scarlett Johansson had sent the O-man an email expressing her support, and somehow that ended up being a story about how the two were “exchanging” emails. This is probably untrue, and someone probably got it mixed up, but I thought it would be cool if it was true. Imagine if Obama won the White House, and he’s got Scarlett Johansson on the side. Compare ScarJo to Monica, and — wow, someone’s got tastes, huh? Anyways, it’s probably bullshit anyways, whatever. Scarlett Johansson was recently on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and was kind enough to bring her rack with her. Such an accomodating gal, our ScarJo.
Hey, Remember Scarlett Johansson?
Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a bit silly. Of course you remember who Scarlett Johansson is. It’s not like she’s been out of the news for years and years and what not. She’s got new movies coming out, she recently bombed with a singing career, and I think she may or may not be engaged to marry Ryan Reynolds. Or maybe it was Josh Hartnett. Well, either one of those guys, or neither one of those guys. What am I, Scarlett Johansson’s press agent? Anyhoo. Just in case you’ve forgotten why you should care about what Scarlett Johansson does with her free time, here’s Scarlett Johansson in the latest issue of Cosmo. Yup, every now and then, it deserves reminding that ScarJo is an uber babe.
Scarlett Johansson is Hot in GQ
Word on the street is that Scarlett Johansson’s debut musical album (yes, Scarlett Johansson is now a singer, in case you didn’t know) is not so good, and the critics are panning it. Which is a real shame, as there’s just no need to pan anything Scarlett Johansson does, especially when she looks this good in GQ magazine. Now if we can only get Scarlett Johansson free from Woody Allen, all will be well with the world. Then again, Woody did manage to talk Scarlett into a threesome scene with Penelope Cruz in their latest movie together, so why am I bitching about the Woodman?
Trailer for Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona
There’s absolutely no reason why you should be excited about “seeing a Woody Allen movie”, unless you’re a film snob, in which case mentioning that you’re “going to go see a Woody Allen movie” to anyone within earshot is probably the best thing about your day, which is kind of pathetic, but whatever, it’s your life. Anyhoo. Why should you care about watching this trailer for “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”? Because it’s the movie where, word has it, Scarlett Johansson (the Woodman’s latest muse) gets into a threesome with some lucky Spanish dude and a skanky Penelope Cruz. There’s also supposed to be a major lesbian make-out scene. Hey, you can see some of that in this trailer! Now if the actual movie is half as sleaze-tastic as the trailer, then the Woodman has done a fine job. If not? Not so much.
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds Are Engaged
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are engaged? Damn. I didn’t even know they were dating! Then again, it’s not like I keep up with celebrity dating habits, mostly because these people date different people every other day, and I just don’t care nearly enough. But hey, whenever someone manages to not only nab Scarlett Johansson, but take her off the market for the rest of us, then I’m very interested. Word from the AP is that the two actors are engaged — Johnasson is 23 and Reynolds is 31. Or at least, that’s the news according to Johansson’s publicist, although no wedding date has been scheduled.
Music Video for Scarlett Johansson’s Falling Down
Wow. Um. Wow. Okay, so I wasn’t totally against Scarlett Johansson releasing a musical album. After all, she’s wicked talented as an actress, so maybe, just maybe, she could be decent too as a musical artist. But, um, I don’t know, here’s Scarlett’s music video for “Falling Down”, her first single off her debut album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head”. It’s, uh, well, I don’t know. I thought her voice would be sweeter than that. Whoever this girl is that’s singing, it sounds like she’s smoked since she was 9, and is still doing 10 packs a day. But don’t take my word for it, judge for yourself. Does Scarlett Johansson suck as a singer, or not?
Megan Fox is 2008’s Sexiest Woman in the World
I know what you’re thinking: “Gee, I wonder who is the sexiest woman of 2008?” Well since you asked so nicely, the guys at FHM went and did a poll, and the winner is Megan Fox. See? And people say I don’t provide anything worthwhile on the site that you could use in, like, daily work conversations or what have you. So if Fox is first, who are the rest of the sexiest best? Jessica Biel came in at #2, followed by last year’s winner, Jessica Alba. Elisha Cuthbert and Scarlett Johansson brings up the rear at #4 and #5, respectively.
The Big List of Chicks Who Make Lots of Money in 2007
US Magazine, a trade publication that I read every day while Vietnamese ladies of varying hotness and age do my nails and give me a nice rubdown, has a list appropriately called “What People Earn”. You know, because seriously, that’s, like, um, wow, that’s not a very creative list. But anyways, it gets the point across, and I suppose that’s what matters. And the point is that Miley Cyrus made $18 million last year, while fellow chick Jessica Alba made a measly $9 million. Hah! Jessica should be ashame of herself. She needs to work harder and stop getting knocked up is what she needs to do.
Scarlett Johansson Sings, Too
In case you’ve been living under a rock, or don’t like Scarlett Johansson enough to follow her career (what are you, a commie?), then you know that Scarlett Johansson has been working on an album. A musical album. You know, like where she sings and stuff? Yeah, that kind. Anyways, we’ve all been dying to see it, especially those who thinks that sweet, soft voices of hers will sound killer coming out of a CD player. (Or iPod to you kids nowadays.) Here’s the cover to Scarlett’s upcoming album. Personally, if I was her manager, I’d put her in a barely-there dress. Isn’t that how Mariah Carey does it? Modesty is no way to sell an album, Scarlett! More promos from the album here.
Promos for Scarlett Johansson’s Album Debut
Scarlett Johansson sings in her debut album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head”. What? Really? Scarlett Johansson knows how to sing? And can do it without embarrassing herself ala Paris Hilton? Apparently so, or at least, she’s going to give it the ol college try. Johansson’s desire to put out her own musical album of Tom Waits cover (”Anywhere I Lay My Head” is the title of a Waits song from his 1985 album “Rain Dogs”) back in 2006, so I guess this is just the culmination of that. But seriously, Scarlett Johansson sings? This I gotta hear. Some promos from her album below.
A Date with Scarlett Johansson is Currently Worth a Lousy $8,200
You would think attending a red carpet movie premiere with Scarlett Johansson as your date would be worth more than a lousy $8,200, but apparently not. (Or at least, at the time of this posting.) With eight days left and 61 bids later, a date with the Oscar nominated actress (I think she was nominated for an Oscar; I could be wrong; what am I, the Oscar expert or something?), will currently run you $8,200. It will probably go up higher than that — there are still eight days left to bid, after all. How much do you think it’ll cost? $20,000? $100,000? Remember, your bid will be going to a good cause, one of them fancy charities and such. Head below for the details.
Natalie Portman vs. Scarlett Johansson in The Boleyn Girl
It’s Natalie Portman versus Scarlett Johansson — who ya got??? Well, okay, it’s pretty obvious who you should want to “get”, or at least I think it’s pretty obvious. But I gotta admit, who ever did the photography and make-up on “The Boleyn Girl” sure did a good job making Natalie Portman look actually attractive. Now I’m not saying she’s not attractive, but normally if you put Scarlett Johansson and Portman side-by-side, Scarlett comes out the winner every time, but you wouldn’t necessarily be able to say that in this movie. In the film, Eric Bana’s character has to choose between the two sisters, played by Scarlett and Natalie. WHO YA GOT???
Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson’s Lesbian and Threesome Scenes in Vicky Cristina Barcelona?
Wait, there is a steamy lesbian encounter between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen’s latest, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”? And then later the two engage in a threesome with Javier Bardem? Hot damn! This may just be the first Woody Allen movie I voluntarily go to see in, like, EVER. At least, if this report in the New York Post turns out to be true. “A source tells us: “It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.” The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem.” So, uh, when does this movie open again?
Stars as Disney Characters: Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Rachel Weisz
Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella, Jessica Biel as Pocahontas, and Rachel Weisz as Snow White? Hey, why not, we’re tired of seeing the same ol animated girls, why not slip a famous celebrity into the role, photograph it, and use it to promote Disneyland? Um, yeah, that’s the idea. I have to admit, the Jessica Biel as Pocahontas one is really hot, but the Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella brings up all manner of ideas that would break the law in a number of States in the Union. And just for laughs, there’s model Gisele Bundchen as Wendy from Peter Pan and Jennifer Lopez as Jasmine from Aladdin.
Picture of the Day: Scarlett Johansson
Our Picture of the Day is Scarlett Johansson, in the one picture that had men everywhere in a-twitter when it came out a few years back. I’m not sure when that was, but it was a while ago, but to this day I can’t get this picture out of my mind. Tell me this is not, bar none, the sexiest damn picture of Scarlett Johansson you’ve ever seen? I don’t know if it’s the sweater, the lack of a shirt underneath the sweater, or those knee-high cotton socks. We haven’t heard a whole lot from Scarlett Johansson lately (did anyone actually see “The Nanny Diaries”?), but damn, we sure saw a lot of her here. Picture of the Day, indeed!
Scarlett Johansson Shills for Louis Vuitton
It’s not enough that Scarlett Johansson has to be a super hot and super talented Hollywood actress desired by men everywhere and envied by women everywhere (and let’s not forget, coveted by she-males everywhere), but she has to do the occasional shilling for high-priced products like Louis Vuitton. Now I don’t know anything about Louis Vuitton, being a warm-blooded heterosexual male and whatnot. (Just go with it, okay?) I mean, come on, I love football, baseball, basketball, and I don’t get into purses and whatnot. At least, I’m assuming that Louis Vuitton is selling purses here. Um, here’s Scarlett Johansson shilling for some LV purses. My girlfriend (and by which I mean, the girl that doesn’t exist) would be so proud of me for making a post about purses.
Josh Hartnett Will COME WITH THE RAIN
Now this sounds like a movie I can get into. Variety reports that Josh Hartnett will be starring in a movie called “I Come With the Rain”, where he’ll play a private detective haunted by his past with a serial killer, who goes to Hong Kong in search of an heir who can heal with a touch. The writer/director is Tran Anh Hung (”The Scent of Green Papaya”), and the film will be mostly (if not entirely) shot in Hong Kong. This definitely sounds like a very cool premise for a movie, and I just hope it doesn’t turn out like some “Golden Child” reject. Harnett is one busy boy; besides “I Come with the Rain”, which will shoot in June, Harnett’s got the vampire movie “30 Days of Nights” coming out and “Resurrecting the Champ” with Samuel L. Jackson.
Scarlett Johansson and her Twin Towers
Every now and then a Hollywood celebrity known for their looks bemoans the fact that people are too shallow and notices only looks. Of course it never occurs to them that they probably end up famous because of their looks, which got them in the door and allowed them to prove their talent (or in some cases, not). Now I don’t know if Scarlett Johansson has done this (although I do recall that she’s pissed and moaned about this topic in some recent magazine article), but I’m sure she has. They all do, eventually. But hey, she can say whatever she wants, as long as she keeps exposing her generous twin talents like she’s doing here in Avenue Magazine.