This is How to NOT Play Dodgeball
Hey kids, remember dodgeball? No? Well, let me assure you, there was actually a sports played in public school called dodgeball. It involved getting a bunch of kids together, and trying not to pick the fat and slow kids in your class. That done, you separate into two sides, and begin flinging balls at each other. Yup, we actually did that in school. You know, before America became a country of pussies, and they started outlawing dodgeball in school. Hey, if I had to get hit in the balls by a big, inflated ball, then by God my kids are gonna get smack there, too! Anyways, in case you ever find yourself playing dodgeball, this is NOT how you do it. I.e. use your hands, or if you must, your back, but for crying out loud, don’t try to catch with your face. Good times, good times…
Emmanuelle Chriqui is a Ball Tosser
Celebrities tossing first pitches at baseball games are a dime a dozen, and most of them aren’t worth talking about. How did you like that retarded shit Mariah Carey pulled at the mound a few weeks back? Talk about assbackwards moronic. Emmanuelle Chriqui recently tossed out the first pitch at a Dodgers-Cubbies game in Los Angeles, and let me just say, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. She looks mighty fine doing it; but post-Mariah Carey, anyone who doesn’t look like a total retard standing out there on the mound is a-okay in my book. Check out Emmanuelle Chriqui tossing a ball around. That’s right, Emmanuelle, clutch that ball tightly…
Hit and Run Dumbass Rampage Jackson is Easy to Catch
Now I haven’t exactly been keeping up with the career of Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, but I do know a little about him. He’s a UFC fighter, and before that, he was doing Pride Fighting. The first time I saw him, he was bodyslamming some poor Japanese dope into the mat over and over again until the dude surrendered. Then he won the UFC champ by knocking out some guy, then some guy knocked him out and he lost the champ recently, and now it looks like Jackson has been arrested for hit-and-run. While he was driving a big-ass truck with big-ass tires. With his portrait painted on the side. Of the truck. Yeah, not exactly hard to spot the dude, as you can imagine.
Ball Girl Makes Amazing Wall Leaping Catch
Holy crap! Did you just see that? Yup, it was live and it was real — a ball girl at a Triple A baseball game (that’s minor league for those of you who don’t habla baseball) really did just leap into the far wall, pushed off once, landed on another wall, and caught a flying baseball coming at her at who knows how many miles per second with a simple twist of her body. Take a look at the outfielder’s reaction when the girl tosses him the ball and casually runs back to her chair to take her seat. Holy cow! Someone either get this girl a gymnastics scholarship or sign her up for the WNBA! See for yourself. Quite possibly the most amazing catch I’ve seen on a baseball field — by a girl!
Charles Barkley Gets Punked on TNT
I love Charles Barkley. Not because he’s the smartest guy on TV, or the best basketball player to ever play the game despite being grossly overweight, but because it’s so fun watching him on TNT’s pre and post-game shows. I love the fact that Barkley will always say what he thinks, even when it turns out to be completely wrong. And let’s face it, even fans of Charles will have to say that the dude gets a lot of things wrong. Like, 9 out of 10 things he says turns out wrong, especially on basketball. But he’s a riot, and during a recent TNT showing, Charles got punked. Reading teleprompters are so easy that sometimes those reading it don’t even bother to think about what they’re reading. Here’s one such occasion. You’ve been punked, Charles!
Chris Paul is Unstoppable
If you’re an NBA fan, then you must be loving the playoffs. Forget the overrated Boston Celtics or the Lakers — it’s all about Chris Paul and the New Orleans Hornets. Yes, you heard me correct: Chris Paul and the bloody New Orleans Hornets. Now when was the last time you heard of the Hornets making waves in the Playoffs? Well they’re doing it now, and it’s all because of #3, third-year player Chris Paul. And no, I’m not being hyperbolic when I say this guy is, quite possibly, the best point guard to ever suit up for an NBA game since — well, I don’t know who has been this good in my lifetime. I’m sure there are old timers who were this good, but in MY time? Chris Paul is simply unstoppable on the court. Some highlights from his Game 2 against the Spurs for your viewing pleasure. I mean, he’s doing this against THE SPURS, for God’s sake.
Girls Can Do Parkour, too? Not so Much.
Wikipedia describes parkour as, “an activity with the aim of moving from one point to another as efficiently and quickly as possible, using principally the abilities of the human body.” Basically, “pulling a Jackie Chan”. It was founded by a French guy name David Belle, which explains why the French are very good at it. The guys, anyway. But what about the girls? Um, not so much. Someone put this professionally made video about some “parkour girls” in London. Apparently this is one of those, “if guys can do it, we can do it better” deals. The problem is, they can’t do it better. See the comparisons for yourself.
OMG. Danica Patrick Finally Wins a Race
Will miracles never cease. After being hyped for what seems like decades, Indy Racing’s most bangable driver, Danica Patrick, has finally won herself a race. Yes, that’s right, the darling of Indy Racing has actually won a race after being hyped endlessly by ESPN. I guess now she can add a trophy to her cabinet full of Sports Illustrated issues and modeling pics. She finally won the trophy at the Indy Japan 300, her 50th start, at the still-hot age of 26. She was emotional after the winning, saying, “When it actually happened, maybe it was a little anticlimactic,” she said. “Then the emotions came out and that was a little girly of me.” Aaaaaaaaaah.
This Guy Takes his Baseball Very Seriously
Remember that baseball video a while back when the manager, not liking a call, started crawling around the plate and even made-believe pulling and throwing a grenade at the umpire? Well this one is not quite as funny as that, but it is pretty damn incredible. In what looks like minor league ball (or maybe it was high school, one of those), a player is a dead duck on home plate if he had slid in, but in stead he — ready for it? ready for it? — LEAPS OVER the player and lands safe! Really, this guy takes his baseball way too seriously! He could have easily snapped his neck or something equally awful. But much props to the kid. Now THAT is serious commitment to one’s baseball!
Stupid Commercial Ideas: The Kobe Car Jump
I don’t know who came up with the idea for this Nike shoe commercial where Kobe Bryant fake jumps a car in his new sneakers, but they are a bunch of idiots. Mind you, any kid dumb enough to actually think he can jump over a speeding car with just the right “sneaks”, as the kids call it, probably deserves to be weeded out, if just for the sake of Darwinism, but you gotta admit that the commercial is bound to spawn a bunch of imitators among the throng of kids out there. Get ready for the inevitable lawsuits when some kids goes splat trying this stunt, sorta like what happens below, only for real.
Controversial Gisele Bundchen and Lebron James Vogue Cover
Oh sure, so this post is, like, two weeks late and change, but give me a break, the day it broke I was busy with something else. This Vogue cover with Lebron James acting all King Kong like with Gisele Bundchen (as Fay Wray, of course) got people riled up mid-March when it came out. At that time, I was busy with something else; hey, stalking the neighbor girl is hard work, you know, especially since she started realizing I’ve been peeking into her bedroom through the little hole I drilled in the back of her house, but perhaps I’ve said to much. Anyhoo, here’s that cover. I think it’s pretty harmless, but then again, I’m not black, so what do I know.
Eff the Celtics; Houston’s 22-Game Win Streak Over
It had to be a buch of green-jersey wearing doofuses, didn’t it? The Houston Rockets’ 22-game winning streak came to an abrupt end last night at the wrong end of a 20-point game. Boston, led by Kevin Garnett, dunked the crap out of Houston, especially on the offensive boards. All those scrappy plays, those lucky bounces of the ball that went Houston’s way during the win streak, went Boston’s way last night. But cheer up, Houston, if history is any indication, this Boston team of Garnet, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce aren’t going anywhere. Houston tried it two times, and the Lakers tried it once, but the results were always the same: great winning percentage in the regular season, but failure in the playoffs. You don’t win championships by cobbling together aging great players, the way Boston is trying it; you do it with a team that’s played together for years.
Reggie Bush Likes Big Butts and He Cannot Lie
New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush likes bit butts and he cannot lie, as Sir Mix-alot would say. But hey, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. As the boys like to say, big butts mean more pillow for the pushin’. Or something to that affect. Luckily for Bush, he’s hooked up with Kim Kardashian, who probably has the biggest butts in all of Hollywood, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. Junk in the trunk is a welcome sight from all the skinny bitches currently trolling the halls of Lalaland at the moment. Here’s Kim Kardashian in a bikini showing off the generous package with Reggie Bush doing what rich and famous people do, go on vacation and do that whole beach frolicking thing. Ah, to be rich and famous…
Video: Shaolin Soccer Puts Down a Japanese Player
Dude, talk about Shaolin Soccer! Remember that movie with Stephen Chow a few years back where Chow and company used Shaolin kung fu to play soccer? Well this Chinese goalie, during a match between China and Japan, took it literally, and jump kicked the Japanese player in the chest! I mean, damn, a flying kick to the chest! Seriously? Dude! Of course, this is just going to make the tension between China and Japan even worst, but what the hell, if more stuff like this comes from it, I’m all for Chinese-Japanese tension! Bring it on!
Video: Dwight Howard’s Superman Dunk Contest
Dwight Howard is a baaaaaad man. But then again, when you’re 6′11 but you can leap tall buildings in a single bound, slipping on the Superman costume during the Slam Dunk contest at the 2008 NBA All-Stars is all in a day’s work. Here’s Dwight Howard wowing the New Orleans crowd by pulling off his jersey to reveal a Superman emblem underneath, then he slips on a cape and does a spectacular dunk that’s less a dunk than it is a, well, what do you call it, “throw it into the basket” dunk? Whatever you call it, DAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
Video: White Guys Still Can’t Dunk
How many times do we have to see it? A white guy who can play a little ball thinks his ability to put the ball in the basket means he can automatically dunk, too. Then they give it a shot and bam, a cute girl gets a face full of thigh. Hey, at least it’s thighs, and not some guy’s crotch in the face, right? Check out this video. I’m not sure where this is from, probably Europe or thereabouts, because white guys in America who can’t dunk don’t try to dunk. But these European white guys still think they can, and this is what happens. Stupid European white guys. White guys can’t dunk!
Pats Lose Superbowl, Tom Brady’s Life is Still Jealous Worthy
It was the stunner of the year — the perfect New England Patriots, 18-0 coming into Superbowl 42, got their asses handed to them by the New York Giants’ insane, insane, insane defense. Final score: Giants: 17, Patriots: 14. Ironically, the Giants’ upset over the Patriots reminded me of the 2002 Superbowl, when the Pats upset the heavily favored Rams. Go figure. This means Tom Brady won’t be getting fitted for his 4th Superbowl ring. But before you feel too sorry for Tom Brady, remember this: He’s going home to Gisele Bundchen (below), and we’re … not.
Video: Chris Berman Blows a Fuse on Monday Night Football
If you don’t know who Chris Berman is, then you don’t watch ESPN religiously, or at all. Anyone who watches sports and ESPN knows the name Chris Berman — he’s a famous sports anchor. And from all appearances, he’s a great guy. Um, maybe not. Here’s a behind-the-scenes video of Chris Berman on the set of Monday Night Football going off on the crew around him. It’s a 90-second video of Berman cussing like a sailor and chastising the crew around him for being unprofessional. My favorite line: he keeps asking the crew if they’ve ever done this before. Fantastic stuff!
Videos: 2008 Superbowl Commercials
Being that I’m a sports fan, I get two benefits of watching the Superbowl every year: one, I get the great games, which have been great basically for the last 10 years that I’ve watched the Superbowls closely; and two, I get to watch all the cool commercials and, as a movie fan, all the cool movie trailers for upcoming films. Who could forget that totally awesome trailer for “The Matrix” movie? With the bullet-time effect? So in honor of the upcoming Superbowl (it’s this Sunday, ya bums), here is an advance preview of the 2008 Superbowl commercials that you’ll see in-between the hits, the interceptions, and the Patriots kicking the crap out of the Giants. (Or vice versa.) Thanks Associated Press!
Super Bowl XLII is Set: Patriots vs. Giants
It’s on! After a full day of killer football, Super Bowl XLII is set and ready to go: the undefeated New England Patriots versus the improbable New York Giants. What you have here is basically a team that everyone expected to reach the Super Bowl reaching the Super Bowl, and the team that no one expected to reach the Super Bowl doing likewise. When you look at it, the Giants are the more impressive team — they beat three teams in a roll on the road in the Playoffs just to make it to the Super Bowl. The Pats, meanwhile, only had to beat two teams in the comforts of home. Here’s my pick for Super Bowl XLII: Pats in a squeaker. Or maybe Pats in a blow-out. Either/or. It’ll still be the Pats.