Videos: 2008 Superbowl Commercials
Being that I’m a sports fan, I get two benefits of watching the Superbowl every year: one, I get the great games, which have been great basically for the last 10 years that I’ve watched the Superbowls closely; and two, I get to watch all the cool commercials and, as a movie fan, all the cool movie trailers for upcoming films. Who could forget that totally awesome trailer for “The Matrix” movie? With the bullet-time effect? So in honor of the upcoming Superbowl (it’s this Sunday, ya bums), here is an advance preview of the 2008 Superbowl commercials that you’ll see in-between the hits, the interceptions, and the Patriots kicking the crap out of the Giants. (Or vice versa.) Thanks Associated Press!
Super Bowl XLII is Set: Patriots vs. Giants
It’s on! After a full day of killer football, Super Bowl XLII is set and ready to go: the undefeated New England Patriots versus the improbable New York Giants. What you have here is basically a team that everyone expected to reach the Super Bowl reaching the Super Bowl, and the team that no one expected to reach the Super Bowl doing likewise. When you look at it, the Giants are the more impressive team — they beat three teams in a roll on the road in the Playoffs just to make it to the Super Bowl. The Pats, meanwhile, only had to beat two teams in the comforts of home. Here’s my pick for Super Bowl XLII: Pats in a squeaker. Or maybe Pats in a blow-out. Either/or. It’ll still be the Pats.
Frank Caliendo as John Madden Skits
Frank Caliendo started off as a castmember on FOX’s little-seen skit show MadTV, but he’s since broaden off into his own TV show on one of the basic cable networks. Caliendo is a brilliant imitator, and he can do pretty much everyone, but his best impression has to be as John Madden, the football announcer. What makes it so funny? Probably how Caliendo makes Madden look like a total spaz, and will go on for whole sentences without actually saying anything, or even forming actual words. Here are some of Frank Caliendo’s best moments as John Madden.
Terrell Owens Cries Like a Little Girl
There is a moment after the Dallas Cowboys lost to the New York Giants where Terrell Owens, he of the big fly shades and bald head, starts crying to the media about how they (the media) are now going to pin the blame on Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Which, if you’ve seen the game, I would have, since Romo played like crap. But what about TO’s crying? Is it real? Is it all an act? I don’t know. Trying to figure out this guy is like trying to figure out the secret hidden agenda of the turtle that keeps trying to eat my donut when I put it down for a moment to mess with my iPod. But see for yourself. Is it TO being a little biotch, or is it TO showing true emotions? You decide.
Tyler Hansbrough Dunks on 7′7″ Kenny George
You know, when you’re 7′7″, you’re expected to do a lot of things — such as, stop people who are smaller than you from, you know, dunking on your big, King Kong-like ass. But I guess nobody told University of North Carolina at Asheville center Kenny George that. George, who stands 7′7″, recently got a major facial from University of North Carolina center Tyler Hansbrough, who stands a meager 6′9″. But that isn’t going to stop Hansbrough from bringing the pain on poor Kenny George. Take a look at the video and tell me who is a basketball player and who isn’t. Hint: The big guy didn’t get there because of a sweet jumper.
Golf’s Kelly Tilghman Suspended for Tiger Woods Lynching Remarks
Wow. Golf. Remember when people actually considered that a sport, instead of a bunch of rich dorks in dorky clothes in the grass swinging a heavy steel pole at tiny white balls? Yup, the good ol days. I bet way back then you wouldn’t have gotten suspended from your job just because you replied to someone’s joke about “ganging up” on a black athlete by ad-libbing the comments, “Yeah, lynch him in the back alleys”. Which is what Golf Channel hottie Kelly Tilghman said, and which is why the Channel has suspended her for two weeks for the remark. It was a joke; a bad joke, but there’s no need to go suspending the girl. Check out some pictures of Kelly Tilghman and the video of the “lynching” comment. You can see she was just ad-libbing. So what does Kelly’s suspension mean? Well, frankly, now there is no reason to watch the Golf Channel for two weeks…
Martina Hingis Suspended 2 Years for Positive Cocaine Test
Steroids are running rampant in sports. Marion Jones, Roger Clemens — pretty much everyone we’ve looked up to for their athletic prowess have been proven to be cheaters. But what about the athletes that we’ve looked up to for their hotness? Not so hot there either, apparently. According to some dudes at the International Tennis Federation, the former Swiss Miss Martina Hingis has been suspended for two years after she had tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon last year. As a result, Hingis will have to pay back the $129,481 she won and other assorted shaming. Of course, this would all have been much more stunning if, er, Hingis wasn’t already retired from tennis. Oh well.
Lamar Odom Body Blocks Ray Allen
I think pretty much anyone who watches NBA basketball will tell you that L.A. Lakers big man Lamar Odom is one swell guy. He’s faced a ton of adversity in his persona life, and has risen above it. Which is why this obviously flagrant foul by Lamar Odom on Boston Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen is so surprising. In the video, a clearly frustrated Odom, whose Lakers are getting creamed by the Celtics in the game, purposefully throws himself into Allen, knocking Allen into the sideline seats. This isn’t funny at all, and is kind of sad, again considering that Lamar Odom has always been such a classy and great guy. Anyways, judge for yourself.
Trojan Love with the USC Cheerleaders
So I was watching the USC-Illinois game a few days ago during the Rose Bowl, and although I have absolutely no love for the Trojans football squad (seriously, can ESPN and every other media outlet hype them up enough? I think not), the Trojan cheerleaders are another matter. I don’t know what it is — maybe it’s the cotton sweater and skimpy skirt, but those are some hot tomales working the sidelines. I’m telling you, the combination of cotton and skimpy skirt is to die for. Enjoy some Trojan love with the USC Cheerleaders, or as they’re also called, Song Leaders, whatever the hell that means. It’s skimpy skirt or bust.
New England Patriots are 16-0: A Perfect Season
In case you missed it, or in case you don’t care, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots rallied late in the fourth quarter Saturday evening to take out Eli Manning and the New York Giants on their way to claiming a perfect 16-0 regular season record, the first perfect regular season since the Dolphins did it in ‘72. That means the Pats have won all 16 games they played, and didn’t lose a single one. Now they’ll have to do it three more times, which will mean they have won the Superbowl. Who can possibly oppose these guys? Brady to Moss? Brady to Welker? Man, whoever has to go up against them in the Superbowl, I feel sorry for them. These guys are destined for a 19-0 season. And oh yeah, along the way, they broke every record in the book. Hot damn, the Playoffs can’t come fast enough.
Tony Parker’s French Ooh Lala Alexandra Paressant
According to French model Alexandra Paressant, she’s Tony Parker’s girlfriend. Or at least, she slept with the Spurs point guard, who just happens to be married to Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. True? Not true? I don’t know, and to be honest, I just wanna give Tony Parker a big “atta boy!” and high-five, because whether he was schtooping Eva Longiria and Alexandra Paressant or not, he’s most definitely schtooping Eva Longoria, and there’s a really, really hot French model saying he’s been schtooping her, too, which makes Tony Parker a God among men. Here are some pictures of Alexandra Paressant. Yeah, it doesn’t suck to be Tony Parker at all.
Michael Vick Gets 23 Months for Dog Fighting Charges
Oh, Michael Vick. So talented, so elusive, so … FRAKKIN’ STUPID. Here’s Michael Vick’s train of thought: “Gee, since I make millions and millions throwing a little pigskin around and doing commercials, why don’t I dabble a little in dog fighting? Because, you know, that’s fun and whatnot.” You dumb ass moron. Michael Vick has gotten himself a 23-month sentence for dogfighting charges in a Virginia courtroom earlier this week. He’ll probably be able to make parole in half that time (if not less), but will the NFL take him back? Or more to the point, will anyone not living in Atlanta take him back?
BCS Bowl Breakdown aka Missouri Gets Screwed Over
If you ever wanted an excuse to tell your buddy who believes in the BCS Bowl System that his precious system “blows”, this is your chance. How in the hell did Missouri get left out of the BCS Bowl, but Kansas got in? That is simply unacceptable. Yes, Missouri has one more loss than Kansas, but they lost twice to Oklahoma, the powerhouse team of the Big 12. And who did Kansas lose to? That’s right, Missouri. And who did Kansas beat throughout the season? Um, how about almost no one. The only ranked team they beat all year was Kansas State, and I saw that game, it was tight to the very end, and Kansas got lucky with a win. Again, in case you didn’t hear me: The BCS Bowl System is bullshit.
What the Hell is “Giving Him the Business”?
You know, I’ve been watching football for a long time now, and I’ve been watching college football for even longer than the pros, and I swear I’ve never heard a referee call someone on a penalty for “giving him the business” to another football player. I kid you not. That’s what ACC ref Ron Cherry described a penalty he called on a North Carolina State player during this 11/24/07 game between the Wolfpacks and the Maryland Terrapins. Listen to the crowd go nuts and the announcers trying not to laugh themselves to death. What the hell is “giving him the business”, and how many yards is that again, chief?
Deron Williams Takes Derek Fisher to School
Nobody knows how good Utah Jazz point guard Deron Williams is than Houston Rockets fan. Williams torched the Rockets good in last year’s play-offs, and this year he’s back at it again. Check out Williams, doing his second tour of duty in the NBA, handing out two killer cross-overs on former teammate (and current L.A. Lakers) Derek Fisher. One word: SICK. You gotta wonder what Fisher said to Williams later: “Dude, we used to be teammates! How could you do me like that!” Or something like that.
Ricky Williams to Rejoin Dolphins and the NFL
Most people have no love for Ricky Williams, but I gotta admit, as a fellow ex-Longhorn, I’m more than willing to give the guy a second chance. Okay, so maybe he did sort of sabotage his own career by refusing to lay off the chronic in favor of playing football for gazillion millions of dollars a year, and that sort of makes him something of a bloody moron. But then again, he IS an ex-Longhorn, and I like to think that we ‘Horns stick together. So, the news out of the NFL is that Ricky Williams has been allowed to return to the NFL, and will be rejoining the hapless Miami Dolphins by Monday next week. It’s good news for the Dolphins, who are so bad this year it’s ridiculous, and good news for Williams, who really does have an amazing natural talent for the game, that when he blew it two years ago everyone was shock. Welcome back to the NFL, Ricky. Don’t blow it this time, you jack off. Below are some of Ricky’s greatest hits.
Things Hitting Guys Crotches are Still Funny
Let’s face it — no matter how many times you see it, in however many situation or variety, it’s still funny as hell. You show it three times in a roll, from three different angles, and it’s still funny. I’m talking about things hitting men in the crotch by accident, of course. Such as a soccer player sliding into a goal post. With his crotch. Hitting the goal post at full speed. OUCH. Shown from three different angles. Yup, it hurts more and more with every angle you see. But hey, if God didn’t want to have guys get hit in the nads every now and then with an inanimate object, he wouldn’t have made it so gosh darn funny.
A Cheerleader Gets Run Over by the Football Team
Dude, cheerleading is dangerous! Besides having to get thrown into the air like a pinata, you gut those big football players trying to run you over. Okay, so maybe they weren’t trying to run her over on purpose, but boy, did they put some bruises on the poor girl! According to the news report of the incident, the cheerleader ended up with a broken jaw. And get this — she was the homecoming princess for the football game, too! Wow. I especially like how the newscast kept replacing the point where she gets run over over and over again. You gotta love local news. Now remember, cheerleaders — dating me is dangerous, but working those football games are practically life and death!
Trinity College’s Miracle Laterals vs Millsaps
If you’ve been watching college football for as I have, you’ll realize just what a miracle this video of Trinity College’s win over Millsaps is. To start off with, the score is 24-22, with Trinity behind. There is just 2 seconds left on the clock (yes, two seconds) before the game expires, and Trinity gets one last play, with the ball on their own 39 yard line. So what do you do? Throw a hail mary? One last shot for glory and hope a Doug Flutie saves you? Or do you do an endless series of laterals until you get to the endzone? Um, they’re going to go with the latter! And guess what? They make it! Holy cow. See for yourself. (P.S. Listen to one of the color commentators basically snickering in the background.)
Randy Johnson Kills a Bird with a Fast Ball
Major League Baseball picture Randy Johnson is a baaaaaaaaaad man. He’s a towering inferno (hey, they don’t call the guy “The Big Unit” because he drives a big car, you know), and he pitches 100 miles per hour on a bad day. And to complete that great resume? The guy can nail a bird at 95 miles per hour. No, really. Here’s that infamous video of Randy Johnson on the mound, pitching, when a poor bird flies right across the plate and — BOOM!!! White bird feathers everywhere as Johnson’s fastball nails the sucker and literally EXPLODES the animal. It’s either the greatest baseball pitch in history, or the most sad, depending on how you feel about, well, taking out birds with a baseball. You decide.