Welcome Back to Houston, Steve Francis!
Man, I love Steve Francis. Not in the Brokeback Mountain sort of way, mind you, but in the, “Wow, I dig this guy’s game,” sort of way. Steve Francis started his career as a Houston Rocket before he got shipped off to Orlando, New York, and God knows how many other cities he ended up before finally returning to Houston this year. Welcome back, Stevie Franchise! We’ve missed you, bro! Now check out this monster put-back dunk by Stevie against the New Orleans Hornets. This was a pre-season game from earlier this week, and the basket didn’t count — they called a foul on Stevie. Can you believe that? No one calls a foul on the guy who pulls the put-back dunk! It’s like, an unofficial NBA rule or something. You just don’t call that foul, you zebra idiots! Great dunk anyway.
Sam Jackson Kicks Ass in Jumper Trailer
Sam Jackson kicks the ass of that punk who played young Darth Vader in “Jumper”: A genetic anomaly allows a young man to teleport himself anywhere. He discovers this gift has existed for centuries and finds himself in a war that has been raging for thousands of years between “Jumpers” and those who have sworn to kill them. From the director of The Bourne Identity and Mr. and Mrs. Smith — Jumper hits theaters February 15, 2008. Check out the trailer below. It co-stars hotties Rachel Bilson (in the trailer) and Diane Lane (not in the trailer for some reason). Should be fun stuff.
Trent Green Takes One for the Team — Again
Last week’s Houston Texans - Miami Dolphins football game was some pretty exciting stuff, not least of which because Dolphins quarterback Trent Green took one for the team — or more specifically, took a knee to the head, resulting in an injury that will, in all likelihood, put the kibosh on his NFL career for good. Making matters worst is that Green was going for a low cut block on Houston Texans player Travis Johnson, who nearly broke his neck when he went down as a result of Green’s tackle. It was an ugly scene in more ways than one, least of which because Johnson got up and started taunting Green, and then later, after the game, continued his tirade against what he perceived to be Green’s cheap shot. It’s a mess, and lost in all of it was the fact that Kris Brown of the Texans kicked a game-winning 57-yard field goal with 1 second left on the clock!
Random Foreign Babe of the Day: Yvonne Catterfeld
I know what you’re thinking: “Hmm, the Random Foreign Babe of the Day category sure gets a lot of German ladies…” but let me assure you, it’s all in your mind. There is no conspiracy. It just so happens that a lot of the lovely ladies of the world hail from Germany, such as Yvonne Catterfeld, a singer, actress, and TV host. You know, maybe Hitler was onto something when he declared that Germans were the Master Race. Or maybe not. As we know by now, Hitler was a frakkin’ douche bag, so nevermind that last sentence. Get some Deutschland lovin’ with Yvonne Catterfeld. One of her music videos included for your listening (and visual) pleasure.
Jon Stewart and Chris Matthews Throwdown
So I’ve been hearing about this throwdown between Jon Stewart and Chris Matthews on the Daily Show forever this morning, and finally found the clip of it. The confrontation only lasts for a minute or so, and the rest is a lot of talking about what happened. Basically, Matthews went on The Daily Show to hawk his book and expected to find a friendly audience, but instead Stewart lit into him. It’s great stuff, and you sort of feel sorry for Matthews after a while. Well, sort of, if he wasn’t such an overbearing douche bag, that is. The best line? Matthews asks Stewart to come on his show, and Stewart replies with a straight face: “I don’t troll.” Oh…my…GOD.
Danny Bonaduce Face Plants Jonny (Jon Dalton) Fairplay
This is, bar none, the best thing to happen to Reality TV since Britney Spears showed the world what a frakkin’ moron she is with her show Chaotic. In this one, you have Danny Bonaduce, who looks like the Hulk on steroids, and Jonny (Jon Dalton) Fairplay, that dork from Survivor who told everyone his grandma died so he would get the sympathy vote. So they’re at some Reality TV shindig, up on stage, when Fairplay hops into Bonaduce’s arms and starts, from what I can tell, dry humping his face. So what does Bonaduce do? He does what any man would do — he throws Fairplay over his shoulder and to the floor, where Fairplay’s face said “Hi!” to the floor. Word is, Fairplay lost a couple of teeth, and is now suing Bonaduce for assault! Talk about great moments in TV.
Great Music Videos: Faith Hill’s Breathe
So what do you do when you have a super hot country singer looking to cross over to the mainstream, and you have a love song that isn’t really all that great, unless you’re into sappy love songs? Well, since you have a super hot country music, you put her on a bed in the middle of the desert, make sure she wears no clothes, and cover her up with silk bedsheets and have her writhe around the bed. No, really, that’s basically what they did with this video for Faith Hill’s Breathe. Okay, not really, there are scenes where she’s in a silk dress doing weird hand gestures or something. But basically the parts you should pay attention to is the naked under the sheets parts. It is, bar none, one of the sexiest damn music videos I’ve ever seen.
Great Music Videos: Beastie Boys’ Sabotage
There’s not a whole lot of great music videos that stick to my mind, but I gotta say, the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage music video is one of the best I’ve ever seen. Besides being a great work of genius by director Spike Jonze, who would go on to direct insanely good movies like “Being John Malkovich” and “Adaptation”, it was a very different music video that parodied the cop shows of the ’70s. You had the Beastie Boys walking around in sagging pants, sporting ridiculous mustaches, and going around beating people up. Plus, the song was just fantastic, and I don’t think it had anything to do with the music video at all, which makes it even better. Here’s the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage.
Justin Timberlake Dick in a Box SNL Skit
When this Saturday Night Live showed up, everyone was on the net looking for it, but they couldn’t find it because NBC was going around pulling the skit from sites like YouTube, etc. But here’s a copy of the skit that won’t be pulled, because it’s distributed by NBC itself via YouTube. It’s Justin Timberlake doing a “Dick in a Box” music video, complete with fake goatee and N’Sync-style dancing skills. I don’t know who the other guy with Timberlake is, but they’re pretty damn funny. And of course, the premise of the video is killer — don’t give your girlfriend something expensive for Christmas, just shove your junk into a box, wrap it, and let her open it. Sounds good to me!
Kendra Wilkinson on MTV’s Celebrity Rap Superstar
“Girls Next Door” Playboy babe Kendra Wilkinson is every rapper’s wet dream — she’s a super hot white chick with a killer body who has been in Playboy, has her own TV show, and best of all? She’s nuts about the rap game. (That’s what the kids are calling it, right?) She’s such a fan of the genre that she even showed up on MTV’s Celebrity Rap Superstar, where wannabe celebrity rappers like that guy from Napoleon Dynamite who plays Pedro gets to rap. It’s like Dancing with the Stars, and just as pointless, but boy is it fun to watch celebrities make total jackasses of themselves. But Kendra Wilkinson didn’t do that, of course; it’s hard to make a jackass of yourself when you look this good, and Kendra Wilkinson definitely looks that good. Some pictures of her from the show and a video of her performance below.
Peyton Manning SNL United Way Skit
It’s just not fair, I’m telling you. Peyton Manning is a Superbowl champion quarterback, he’s won tons of MVP awards, not to mention every single other award that is given out to NFL athletes — and yeah, he even plays QB in the NFL, basically the ultimate boy fantasy. And on top of that? The guy can be funny, too. Check out this Saturday Night Live skit he did a while back. It’s a parody on those United Way commercials you see all the time, except the Peyton in this one is one mean bastard. He uses kids to pick up girls, gives them tattoos in the yard, and teaches them how to break into cars with a slim jim; you know, what OUR role models failed to teach us when we were growing up. Easily the funniest SNL skit by an athlete EVER.
Ursula Mayes in Juiced 2 Videogame Commercial
I’m not really a fan of those car racing games, and in particular the ones where you get to modify cars and buy parts and all that “Fast and the Furious” junk. I actually like the movies, but the games are way too complicated. Then again, my idea of complicated is anything that requires me to have to do more than press “X” to drive. I’m lazy that way, so sue me. In any case, the latest game entry is “Juiced 2″, and the TV commercials features the gorgeous Ursula Mayes doing what she does best — look good in a skimpy outfit while cars drive dangerously close to her. Check it out.
Final Fantasy Does Michael Jackson’s Thriller
You know I love me my Michael Jackson Thriller parodies. Here’s one that was done using characters from that Godawful “Final Fantasy” animated movie that came out a few years ago that absolutely no one but me went to see because, frankly, I’m an idiot, and thought it might be good. This is actually a pretty good thriller routine, although it’s a little short at 90 seconds, and there’s no singing, only the instrumentals. Which I guess is kinda cool, too, although I would have liked to see something longer. I don’t know if someone did this on their computer or if the Final Fantasy people did it as a gag, but it still looks groovy.
Swedish TV Host Throws Up on Live TV
So there you are, hosting what I think is a TV game show LIVE on TV; someone calls in, and you go into your spiel, asking questions, and suddenly, without warning — SPLASH!!! A stream of vomit flies from your mouth. I mean, damn, you don’t even see it coming! One second she’s standing there all giggly and girly and hot and the next second the poor girl is throwing up like Linda Blaire in the Exorcist. It’s unreal, surreal, and downright funny. The girl’s name is Eva Nazemson, and she blames the bout of vomit on “menstrual pain”. Clean up in the studio! But anyways, you gotta admire the girl. As soon as she finished vomiting, she hopped right back up and went right back to work like nothing had happened. What a host!
Official Halo 3 Commercial
Here’s a really great looking Halo 3 commercial. It’s a 90-second spot that was just released recently by Microsoft, and is part of the Halo 3 “Believe” campaign. I love the way they did it, the whole frozen-in-time conceit is fantastic. And the final few seconds is priceless. I haven’t really been a fan of the games, although I’ve played both of the previous installments, but it really does look as if Microsoft is going to push Halo 3 as some kind of “event” gaming release. I don’t know how good it’ll look, or if it’ll be one of those next-gen type games, but I’m pre-ordering my PC copy as soon as it becomes available. I can’t help it, I just can’t get used to those X-Box controls. Take a look at the commercial.
John Force Hospitalized After Funny Car Crash
Wait a minute, I didn’t know funny car races were supposed to crash and nearly kill the drivers. Isn’t that sort of like goes against everything Funny Cars stand for? I mean, how could a car by considered “funny” if the driver can actually die while racing them? But I digress. John Force, of the Force Racing Team, had to go through six hours of surgery following a wreck Sunday at the O’Reilly NHRA Fall Nationals at Texas Motorplex (video below). I wonder if this is going to be on the Force’s TV show “Driving Force”, but probably not. You can see the video of the car crash for yourself below. Wow. I mean, damn, that thing just came APART. Jesus Christ, I’m shocked no one died in that crash.
Video Preview of the Simpsons Game by EA
This is great. It’s a video preview of the upcoming Simpsons videogame by EA that will be released November 1st for the Playstation2, Playstation3, XBOX 360, Wii, NDS and PSP. Basically, if you have a game console, this thing will be playable on it. (I’m be waiting for the PC myself.) The previews are a riot. The first clip parodies the commercials for the Grand Theft Auto games (or Grand Theft Scratchy), with Itchy and Scratchy running around shooting at people, and the second is a parody of the Medal of Honor games (or Medal of Homer). And of course, Homer makes fun of the French. The preview is hilarious and is even better if you’ve played and loved both GTA and MOH, which I do. In fact, I just blazed through Medal of Honor: Airborne a few days ago, but that’s another story…
Witness the Damnation that is Kid Nation…
What kind of bad parent do you have to be to agree to hand your kids over to a TV network so they can be tossed into an old ghost town to fend for themselves? Well that’s the premise of CBS’ controversial and Godawful Kid Nation, a show where 40 children, with the oldest being 15 (and the youngest barely 
are sent to a dead Western ghost town that has failed so they can rebuild it. The object, it appears, is to see if they can survive and fend for themselves, or maybe show up the adults because, let’s face it, kids nowadays thinks they can do anything and know everything, so why not toss them into an old ghost town and tell them to make it work? Is this show the worst thing on TV? Maybe. Are the parents who gave their kids to this show the worst parents EVER? Absolutely-frakkin’-lutely.
MMA Hottie Kyra Gracie
What’s the best indication of a mixed martial artist’s hotness? For one, if you don’t mind if she kicks your ass, just as long as you get to touch hers every now and then, than yeah, I’m gonna say that she’s a pretty hot girl. And Kyra Gracie, yet another in the long line of Gracies, aka the First Family of MMA, definitely fits that mode. The girl’s hot a rock hard body and, from the videos that I’ve seen, the skills to show off. Personally I’d have liked a better selection of pictures, but as the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers. And anyways, what’s hotter than a hot girl in a, “I can sooo kick your ass” pose? You gotta love those Gracies.
What TV Commercials Have Taught Me: Hot Sex with Hot Chicks Are Easy
This is a daily column that I plan to add to every time I see something on TV that fits. To start things off, let’s talk about how to get hot chicks to have hot sex with you. How, you ask, will I achieve such a fantastic thing, and how many limbs will it cost me? Easy, chumps, and it won’t cost you a thing. Or at least, none of your limbs. All you need is the right pants. Or shirt. Or underarm deodorant. Or in some cases, the right gum brand will do just fine. You needn’t even bother looking for the hot chick. Just slap on that right pants, or shirt, or deodorant, or pop in that gum, and the hot girl with supermodel good looks and perfect body will just show up out of the blue and jump you. Seriously, if TV commercials have taught me anything, anyone can get laid as long as they buy the right products.