The Random Stuff of Interests Page

You know, FOX is really pissing me off. Just last week, it was revealed that Jack Bauer’s ne’er-do-well daughter Kim (as played by Elisha Cuthbert) would be coming back for a couple of episodes in the upcoming Season 7 of 24, and yet — still no signs of Sarah Wynter? What, Kate Warner wasn’t a good enough character for you guys to bring her back? Well screw you, writers of 24, because we appreciate the gorgeous Sarah Wynter, who, if you’ve listened to the 24 DVD audio commentaries, is all kinds of delightful. Then again, considering that all of Jack Bauer’s girlfriends end up either dead, kidnapped, abducted, tortured, or fucked up in a variety of ways, maybe it’s better Sarah Wynter stays as far away from 24 as possible. But just for laughs, here are some reason why we’d like to see Kate back anyhow.

Let’s face it, MTV’s daily Video Music Awards shindig blows. As in, “Oh my God, what a fucking piece of mess they got going there”, and it seems to only get worst every year. What’s worst than a bunch of narcissistic actors getting together for a circle jerk at the Oscars? How about a bunch of narcissistic and illiterate singers, rappers, and god knows what wins stuff at these things showing up prove how cool they are by not acting cool. What I’m trying to say is, the VMAs are like the MTV’s usual brand of programming — over hyped, stupid, and you gotta be 13 years old to not see how passe everything is. But you know what isn’t over hyped, stupid, or passe? Bar Refaeli in a form-fitting dress. Did I tell you how much I love the VMAs? And the leather jacket? Sheer bonus hotness.

If you don’t know that Leighton Meester is one of the stars of the CW’s breakout hit show Gossip Girls, then you’re either an adult male who doesn’t watch teen TV, or you’re Amish and don’t know what a TV is, in which case you probably aren’t reading this now, which frees me up to say how you suck and God actually hates you. It’s true, he told me himself. Anyhoo. Leighton Meester is in the current issue of Gotham Magazine, which I think is about the world of Batman. You know, Gotham City? I could be wrong, of course, as it doesn’t really make sense why Leighton Meester is in a magazine about the Batman universe, but you know, in case I am wrong? I made it all up. Yeah, that’s the ticket. P.S. Leighton Meester is hot.

If you close your eyes and listen closely, you can hear the Dragonball geeks out there screaming because they think the upcoming “Dragonball” movie is going to blow chunks harder than Rosie O’Donnell after a buffet gone terribly, terribly wrong. But hey, we aren’t Dragonball fans, so any movie that puts Emmy Rossum in a skin-tight uniform and allows her to show off her nice curves, we’re for one hundred percent. I call it our, “hot chick in hot outfit” rule, which basically has only one criteria: hot chick in hot outfit. Seriously, are you even paying attention here? Anyways, here are a couple of promos of Emmy Rossum from “Dragonball” the movie. Dragonball? More like blue … balls. Get it? Blue? Balls? Dragonball? Oh man, I’m a goddamn genius.

I can’t get enough of Leryn Franco. There isn’t a whole lot of athletes out there who can put on a bra and panties and pose for the camera with the same kind of professionalism that she can grab her sport equipment of choice and go to town. What I’m trying to say is, when an athlete looks this good, and isn’t shy about showing it off, I can’t help but salute her over and over again. Such is our lovely Paraguayan javelin thrower Leryn Franco. You know, I still can’t believe her sport of choice is javelin throwing. I mean, wow, really? Not exactly the sexiest sport out there. But Leryn Franco? Definitely the sexiest javelin thrower out there, and I’ve known a lot of sexy javelin throwers. No, really.

Let’s face it, the Venezuelans haven’t exactly given the world a whole lot besides jungles and mud huts and cocaine, (site note: Please send all hate mail to chillout@dork.com), but they did manage to do one thing right, and that’s give us Gabriela Vergara. Now I don’t really know who Gabriela Vergara is, and yes I’m very well aware that we have an existing post on Gabriela Vergara, but looking that up and refreshing myself on her would, like, take a second or two longer than I have (I’m a very busy man, you know), so in the service of brevity, I’ll just say this: Man, that’s one spicy Venezuelan! Please to ogle Gabriela Vergara in her undies.

Say what you will about blonde singing cutie Jessica Simpson (she’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch, her sister creeps me out, her dad invades my nightmares, and the Dallas Cowboys suck donkey balls), but what you can’t say about Jessica Simpson is that she doesn’t know what the boys want. And what does the boys want? Boobs. Big, fat, massive boobs. Rumor has Jessica Simpson having gone under the knife for her rack, which may or may not be true, but as a warm-blooded American male, I can safely look you in the eyes (that’s right, I can SEE YOU THROUGH YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR!!!) and tell you, “And your point is…?” That’s right, kids, it’s time for some celebrity cleavage.

Still need a reason to watch Fox’s The Sarah Connor Chronicles? What are you, stupid? You mean to tell me a show about killer cyborgs doesn’t intrigue you? Man, you suck. Okay, then, here are some reasons to watch the show: it’s got Lena Headey, who just looks sexier everytime she grabs a hold of that shotgun and goes to town on a killer cyborg; and it’s got Summer Glau, who plays one of those cyborgs. Apparently in a future episode of the The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Summer Glau’s cyborg character Cameron is required to wear a bustier that shows off her chest. Yes, you heard that right. Cyborg cleavage. Man, I love this show! Check out the promo shot of Summer looking all warm and inviting, and not at all like she’s about to put you in her trunk in two pieces.

Our Random Foreign Babe of the Day is Sara Kostov, a model from Portugal, which as I’ve told you before, is just north of Alaska, and within walking distance from Siberia, which is part of Russia and is known to be really, really cold except in July, when the sun comes out for three days and brings a nice ray of sunshine that helps the Vodka stalks grow higher than before. What, you didn’t know? Vodka is grown in the farms, dude. If you don’t know, I suggest you learn take a course in, like, Vodka growing or something. Anyhoo, Sara Kostov is really hot, and although you wouldn’t exactly call her lean and tight, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with those natural curves. The huge rack doesn’t hurt, either.

Imagine leaning outside your window and seeing Katie Downes walking down the street in black bra and panties lingerie and the top hat. What would you do? Probably run into the closet and crank one off, being the bastard perv you are, but if you’re like me, you’d run down and ask for her number. Failing to get said number, you would then stalk her until she relented, or until the cops throw you in the pokey, whichever comes first. Now I’m assuming these pictures of Katie Downes in black lingerie are for a lingerie line over the UK, being that Katie Downes is a British glamour model and plies her trade across the pond. And if it’s not? Um, what-ev, right? Here’s Katie Downes not being shy one bit with the lingerie goodness.

It must be nice to be the host of a TV show. You get to be on TV, which is always great for picking up chicks at bars (nothing breaks the ice like, “Hey, babe, I’m on TV; wanna go do it in the alley?”), people put make-up on you for you, your clothes are chosen and laid out for you before you even wake up, and food is always ready when you need it. Plus, you get to travel to Japan where you can lounge about the hotel pool in a two-piece bikini. Obviously I’m going to bypass the whole bikini thing; I’m more of a one-piece swimsuit man. Anyways, Olivia Munn, host of G4’s Attack of the Show, was in Japan doing something and was nice enough to snap these bikini pics for her loyal geek fanbase. God bless you, Olivia Munn, always thinking of us even when you’re half a world away…

Screw your body fat and cellulite, Swiss model, actress, singer, and the object of boys’ wet dreams everywhere Michelle Hunziker has no use for any of that. And I would like to congratulate Michelle for taking such a strong stance against such a popular thing; you know, it takes courage to tell fat that you want no part of it. It’s like me back in High School; when the kids would go into the restroom to smoke their Mary Jane and what have you, I would just say, “No, not interested, the only high I need is life.” And look at me now! Sitting in my pajamas typing this in my parent’s basement. Would I have all this if I had taken a puff? I think not! Anyways, here’s Michelle Hunziker showing off her stand against body fat at the beach. You go, girl.

Thandie Newton is as bit of a dilemma for me. On the one hand, you can’t deny that the woman has a pretty face, but man, she sometimes looks so damn skinny you want to shove a hamburger into her hands. You get pretty much both looks at Thandie Newton in these promos for Guy Ritchie’s “RocknRolla”, which will probably be about a bunch of kooky British gangsters robbing from each other and crap like that. You know, the usual Guy Ritchie crap. Anyways, Thandie Newton looks both way too skinny and incredibly good in these promos. I’m sure you can figure out which is which. Take a gander, why don’t you?

Our Latin Flavor of the Day is one Ana Carolina da Fonseca, yet another Brazilian Goddess to slip on a bikini and turned the world’s heads. So, you want to know more about her? Well, here’s what Wikipedia has to say: “She was born in Brazil to Portuguese parents and moved to the United States at the age of 12. She is most notably known for her work as the model/presenter on the show El Blablazo and its spin offs, which aired on Univision from 1998-2001. In 2003, she starred in the telenovela Te amaré en silencio opposite Mexican actor Eduardo Yáñez. Ana Carolina is fluent in Spanish and English, as well as her native Portuguese.” And did I mention that she looks really good in a bikini?

You know, if I was still listening to Mexican pop music like I was 10 years ago, during my Mexican pop music heyday (listening to a Shakira song in Spanish counts as a “heyday”, right?), I would have known who Pilar Montenegro was a long time ago. As it is, I don’t, so it took a while for me to become familiar with her. Now that I am, am I ever grateful, because let’s face it, Pilar Montenegro is worth looking at. Ogling, even, for all you pervs out there. Then again, when a woman looks this good, and fills out a bikini this deliciously, I’m sure she doesn’t mind guys drooling over her when she strolls down a beach. Just don’t yell out obscene things to her; that’s just rude, guys, and 9 out of 10 girls say they don’t appreciate it. Then again, 9 out of 10 girls are liars, so…

Maria Sharapova is known for playing tennis and doing commercials on TV with her dog, who can talk, if you’ve seen the commercials. I kid you not. Her dog can talk! Wow. I mean, I’ve heard of rabbits talking, and sometimes I heard pigeons talking, but dogs talking? That’s something new. Anyhoo. Maria Sharapova usually looks pretty good in whatever she’s wearing, though I was surprised to run across this picture of her. I’m guessing it’s from one of her many ads, or maybe a photoshoot. If it is for an ad, I can’t really figure out what she’s selling her. But hey, judge for yourself; maybe you guys can figure it out.

So did you go see “Death Race” over the weekend? No? Then you should kill yourself now. No, I mean it. This is, quite possibly, the greatest movie ever made, and if you didn’t rush out to see it, you need to take yourself out now. Just kidding. “Death Race” kinda sucked, but you know what didn’t suck about the movie? Natalie Martinez didn’t suck about the movie. It’s her first big major movie, and should launch the brunette hottie to bigger and better things. And if not, hey, I can put some money together and I can write a movie for her to star. We’ll shoot it in my basement to save on the budget. Anyways, here are some Natalie Martinez promos for Death Race. What a curvy bod.

You gotta hand it to Willa Ford — she’s spent the last half dozen years trying to get a singing career going, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside, and she seems to be concentrating on acting now. Her best, and probably biggest role to date is in “Impulse”, where she plays a (it goes without saying) sexy businesswoman who is stalked by a fat, ugly dude. Soon, you’ll be able to see her in her really first big Hollywood movie, the “Friday the 13th” remake. That’s right, folks, no more crappy Anna Nicole TV movies or lingerie bowls for our Willa Ford. She’s moving on up, to the East Side, where she’ll finally get a piece of the piiiiiiiieeee. Where was I? Oh right, and she’s also on the cover of the current Maximal issue. Yum, pie.

Jessica Alba’s ass would like to wish all of you non-working Americans a happy labor day. For the rest of the world — look, it’s Jessica’s ass in a bikini!

Okay, so maybe Vanessa Minnillo and Kim Kardashian, as hot and deliciously fantasy-worthy as they are, are about 15 years too old to actually be convincing as cheerleaders, cheerleader outfits notwithstanding, but I’m going to overlook that when “Disaster Movie” opens. Yeah, I know, it’s another spoof film that’s probably going to be funniest for NOT being very funny (get it? ah, you guys don’t appreciate my brilliance), but I’m willing to spend my hardearned money just to see it for that scene with Vanessa Minnillo and Kim Kardashian in cheerleader outfits. Yes, I am that big of a sucker. Whatever, man, you don’t know where I’ve been. Stop judging me!