Get Your Stinkin’ Paws off my Damned Dirty Ape Remakes!

Say what? Another “Planet of the Apes” remake is in the works at FOX Studios? Well not quite. According to the boys over at CHUD, there is another “Planet of the Apes” remake script that has been making the rounds, although this isn’t a remake of the original ala the Tim Burton one from 2001, aka the Remake That Shall Not Be Spoken Out Loud. Instead, there’s a script for a remake of 1972’s “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes”, a prequel to the original that filled in the details on how apes came to rule Earth. Basically, it involved a lot of rioting in the streets, human punching by hairy ape paws, and all of it led by some dude name Caesar, whose parents were talking apes from one of the original “Planet of the Apes” sequels that had, somehow, arrived in the past via time travel. Or some such. Look, it’s a franchise about talking apes, for God’s sake, what do you want, logic?

Here’s CHUD‘s take on the remake/prequel script, called “Genesis: Apes”:

But right now, in the halls of Fox, there is another new version of Planet of the Apes that has been kicking around for the last year. It’s not a sequel to the Burton film, and it’s not another remake of the original. To the general audience it’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes, but for the initiated it’s something totally different.

It’s a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Yup. It’s the story of Caesar, the ape who said no, the first ape with speech who started the events that led to a world where monkeys were on top and humans were dumb beasts.

Will we ever get another talking ape movie? Especially after Tim Burton’s 2001 hairy opus, which despite being commercially successful, was universally panned by critics and audiences everywhere? What are the chances of a sequel/prequel? Well, pretty good, actually! Remember, the main phrase in the previous sentence is commercially successful. In Hollywood, as long as a movie makes a buck more than what it cost to make and advertise it, that’s a good enough reason for a sequel!

So yes, a “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes” remake, or some other “Planet of the Apes” sequel, will probably be heading to the multiplexes sooner or later. You can read more on how the new version differs from the original over at CHUD. Suffice it to say, in the new version Caesar is no longer the product of two time-traveling apes, but will instead be the result of a genetic experiment, cause obviously time travel is so passe.

Below: When hairy apes pick up machine guns, the terrorists have won.