Granny (1999) Movie Review

I like to think that when it comes to Teen Slasher movies I’m a little more lenient than your average movie critic. Given the right ingredients of sex, violence, and gore, I’m usually quite satisfied. So why did Boris Pavlovsky’s 60-minute opus, “Granny”, fail to entertain me at just about every single level?

For one, it’s about college age kids who get together in a big house to engage in pseudo intellectual arguments about sex and life and blah blah blah. The actors are obviously all drama students, and as such manage some modicum of thespian ability. They’re certainly much better than the usual victims of straight-to-video cheapo Teen Slasher movies, that’s for sure. The screenplay by Pavlovsky and co-star TOMI (yes, the all caps is how his name is actually spelled in the credits) reeks of unoriginality and unrestrained stupidity. And Yes, I am very much aware that calling a Teen Slasher movie “unoriginal” and “stupid” seems rather redundant. But “Granny” really takes the cake.

After 20 minutes of the characters engaging in Richard Linklater-like blah blah blahing, the first kill scene finally makes its long-awaited appearance. It’s an ax to the head, and the killer is a man in a granny mask/dress, hence the title. For the next 30 minutes, granny goes around slaughtering the rest of the college kids using her nonexistent Personal Transporter, which allows her to defy space and time by transporting herself from one location to another.

The only survivor turns out to be Michelle (Katie Dugan), who manages to slay the killer and escape. Although upon escaping, poor Michelle has a heart attack and dies. Shockingly, it’s revealed that it was all a prank by the other kids designed to “get” newcomer Michelle!

Nevermind the cheat ending. “Granny” doesn’t deserve the next precious lines dissecting the utter stupidity of its “twist” ending. Needless to say, the movie is trite, uninteresting, and the screenplay is atrocious. The actors look like college actors doing one of their “dialogue practices”. I could almost see their drama teachers nodding their approval off stage.

The most unfathomable thing about “Granny” is that the whole thing has, from what I can tell, a decent budget. Yes, the one location — the house — gives away that it’s low budget, but even for a low-budget movie, the film is shot with a decent camera and the cinematography by Robert Buchar, while not being spectacular, is pretty good for a STV cheapo. Why, then, did the whole thing turn out so incredibly bad?

Even for undemanding lovers of mindless Teen Slasher movies, “Granny” is an insult.

Boris Pavlovsky (director)
CAST: Katie Dugan …. Michelle
T.J. Bigbee …. Vic
Nathalie Ohnena …. Kristine

Buy Granny on DVD