Is Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood Boring? The Love Child of Gladiator and Kingdom of Heaven?

Being Harry Knowles means you get lots of early reviews for movies that don’t come out for weeks, sometimes months. Take Ridley Scott’s “Robin Hood”, for which Harry’s AICN already has two early reviews for. Unfortunately, they’re both very negative reviews. Sigh.

The first one, from a writer named “Mr. Midnight”, is hilarious. I laughed several times during the review. Here’s an excerpt:

One thing I really think is important to tell you is that the trailers to this movie COMPLETELY MISLEADS THE AUDIENCE. Every trailer I have seen, every God damn TV spot that’s been aired on television, shows action after action after action after action…after action. The TV spots all basically show the first short battle at the beginning of the movie, and the last battle, which really isn’t all that long either. THOSE ARE REALLY THE ONLY TWO BIG ACTION SEQUENCES IN THE MOVIE, along with some minor ambushes. At two hours and ten minutes, you have maybe about twenty minutes of action, and an hour and fifty minutes of lame story, exposition, romance, and Russell Crowe talking like Maximus. So if you are walking into this movie expecting another Gladiator, I’m sorry to say that in the end, you will be sitting on one of those donut things, because you just got raped in the ass. I’m talking George Lucas childhood raping in the ass. If you go in expecting the theatrical version of Kingdom of Heaven, you might come out liking it. But in this movie, when Little John is a big muscular dude, and he explains the reason why he is called Little John is because he has a tiny penis, you know something went wrong with Brian Hedgeland’s screenplay.

Wow, a movie hasn’t “raped me in the ass” since Martin Lawrence’s “National Security”. I might just see this thing for that alone.

Here’s an excerpt from the second review, by “The Lone Ranger”:

Scott’s virtues as a filmmaker are on view in the look and design of the film, but it all feels terribly second-hand somehow. Crowe and Blanchett have zero chemistry together and Crowe mostly just looks sullen by himself. Of the remaining cast, nobody really stands out except Sydow who’s still stealing scenes even at his age and Isaac, who definitely has the cutest girl in the film and gets to chew the scenary and wake the audience up every now and then. Considering the stories about the film’s troubled production, I don’t know whether the film could ever have been good, but as it, it’s got to rank as one of the biggest disappointments of the season. I guess old Kevin’s finally gotten the last laugh…

He’s referring to, of course, Kevin Costner’s much-derided “Prince of Thieves” movie, which like a lot of Kevin Costner movie, I thought was unfairly mocked for being bad. I mean, so he didn’t bother with an English accent. So what? The rest of the movie was pretty decent, I thought.

Anyways, that’s your early word on Ridley Scott’s “Robin Hood”. There is still almost a month left before the film opens, so who knows, it could still be “fixed”, if indeed fixing is needed. Then again, advance reviews have been known to be wrong before…

'So, uh, this isn't all we'll be doing for 90 minutes, right, Ridley? Ridley?'