Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) Movie Review

If you decide to watch “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter”, you will bear witness to the following:

(And depending on your level of taste or sense of humor, you will either weep at how bad the movie is, or chuckle at how bad the movie is. Either way, you’ll come to the conclusion that this is a really, really bad movie.)

Jesus Christ being played by an actor who can’t be more than 5 feet tall, taking on an army of lesbian vampires in Goth makeup and way too many tattoos. (What is it with lesbian biker vampire chicks in low-budget Canada films? Is there a union for such typecasting?)

Jesus Christ trading in his traditional robe and sandals for ’80s chic, including earrings, then teaming up with a Mexican wrestler name Santos to take on the aforementioned lesbian vampires and their leader, Johnny Golgotha. (What is it with masked Mexican wrestlers fighting lesbian biker vampire chicks in low-budget Canada films? Is there a union for such typecasting, and where can I sign up?)

Jesus Christ taking on an endless army of atheists at a city park, and almost breaking the neck of one of the extras in a rather stupid stunt. (Suits him right. Damn atheists. As the saying goes, there are no atheists in park rumbles.)

A Canadian filmmaker name Lee Demarbre who apparently has too much time on his hands, and who stumbled onto rolls of unused 16mm filmstock in his basement, prompting him to get his buddies together to “make a movie” over some free weekends. (Way to go, Lee, hope you didn’t kill any of your buddies during those stunts.)

Jesus Christ sparing a mad doctor (Josh Grace), only to get sucker punch in the back of the neck for his charity. (See? This is why I say you should never trust a mad doctor. They just aren’t very trustworthy, these people.)

A stray civilian, wandering into the background of the film’s climactic battle at a car salvage yard. (Way to go with location security, guys.)

Jesus Christ being hit on by a character played by an actress with an okay face and a nice ass but no discernible acting talent. (Which, actually, means she’s right at home.)

A beatnik store cashier getting mouthy with Jesus Christ. (Don’t you just hate beatniks? And beatnik store cashiers are doubly worst.)

Everyone delivering his or her lines post-sync, which means the dubbing is worst than your average Hong Kong chop socky kung fu film. (Don’t they speak English up in Canada?)

Jesus Christ delivering his final message to his flock, only to be interrupted by a phone call from “JP”. (Talk about dating your movie! Shouldn’t it be from “JR”?)

A no-budget movie called “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter”, which is so bad it may just be great — or just really bad. Or perhaps neither, and just, well, it’s a low-budget Canadian films with lesbian vampire biker chicks, Mexican wrestlers, and —

Well, it’s Canadian. That says it all, doesn’t it? Damn those Canadians. Them and their Bryan Adams, curling, and whatnot…

Lee Demarbre (director)
CAST: Phil Caracas …. Jesus Christ
Murielle Varhelyi …. Maxine Schreck
Ian Driscoll …. Johnny Golgotha
Jeff Moffet …. Santo


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