LoveCracked: The Movie (2006) Movie Review

Sometimes, ideas are birthed that are sound, insightful, and even mature, but when implemented in the physical world they deflate like a sulky blow-up doll. Asking your girlfriend to have a threesome, for instance. Homer Simpson once put Communism into this category; I will add to it, “LoveCracked! The Movie”.

Produced by Biff Juggernaut Productions (?) — in the vein of independent, low budget, horror/comedy, Troma-esque ventures only to be found lurking near the handicap bathroom stalls of the world wide web — “LoveCracked”, on paper, is a historical psychoanalysis of writer H.P. Lovecraft, a fairly obscure writer of dark fiction who lived in the early 1900’s. While you may very well be unfamiliar, as I was, with this liaison to many a horror flick, check up on old H.P. on wikipedia where you will find some surprisingly profound, existential quotes, which got me interested. This supposed “anthology”, however, does little more than to make one ideate about suicide.

To achieve this deep probation of the mind of Lovecraft through visual reproductions of his work, a myriad of directors in the underground film scene contributed shorts inspired by Lovecraft’s stories. This film is in no way as clever, or seamless, as the black comedy “Four Rooms” (Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, etc.) where four, directorially creative minds were smelted down into one glimmering reel of analog tape. “LoveCracked” is more like a bi-polar mix tape suffering the side effects of noncompliance with its prescribed medications. While there are a few pieces in this sloppy amalgamation worth rewinding, the producers thought it a good idea to attempt to tie the whole thing together with footage of a purposefully imbecilic journalist interviewing stock brokers, snowmen, and other stupid shit, about their thoughts on Lovecraft.

It all begins with this journalist, who “likes to pat on the asses of young boys”, retracing the geographical steps of Lovecraft’s life through places which he had never been. Funny, right? It continues on, undeterred and obstinate. With every “clue” that is uncovered about Lovecraft through his writing, a new short is weaved in, some appropriate, some utterly nonsensical, and one, in particular, blatantly pornographic, though in a transcendently obscene sort of way. Cheap gags, obviously, trail throughout this myopic journey as a blemish on one’s ass would, e.g. a punk rock guy reading a romance novel, freeze framed, with a crude penis/balls drawn from the book to his mouth.

We’ll start with the good and work our way right down. The Matisse-red tinted short entitled “Remain” is visually engrossing and disturbing, as nothing but atonal noise surrounds a shirtless man who has a mental schism watching a blank canvas sinisterly evolve into a portrait of Satan, take on life, then mummify him. “Bug Boy” should have been fleshed out into a whole movie, as it has the only decent acting, special effects, and horror worthy of the word. As you can easily deduce, it is about a boy who turns into a bug. There is another scene about some dumb-ass who tries to sleep with a massively well-endowed, red headed witch and gets his soul stolen instead, but I forgot the title and I’m not putting this DVD anywhere near my TV again, sorry.

Then there are the impotent stabs at non-sequitur, ala “The Lurkers”, which, with the finesse of freshman technology institute students, follows a bunch of dudes who play guitar, start fires with their rocking, and frequent the back room video booths of porn stores. Also, another short which shall remain nameless due to my negligence, which is ten or so minutes of a guy playing violin. I guess it is some kind of oedipal statement, seeing as the violinist keeps flashing back to his mother and then he assaults one of his young female students, but there is no dialogue; it is one of those times when you need to be told explicitly what is going on.

Lastly, and completely out of context, is a hardcore scene from a porn movie. If nothing else, “Re-penetrator” will shock you into attention after falling asleep halfway through the film. You think it is just for gratuitous purposes that this scene opens up with a bloody, busty nude girl lying on a table in a mad scientist’s lab; that is, until the camera focuses on her who-ha. From there, the Dr. and his voluptuous Ms. Frankenstein make sex with lots of fake blood exploding out of orifices it shouldn’t, and organs being ripped out and sucked on. Wow!

No me gusta esta pelicula.

Elias (director) / Elias (story and screenplay), H.P. Lovecraft (story & inspiration)
CAST: Joanna Angel …. Corpse Girl
Adam Armstrong …. Carter Ward
Nick Basile …. H.P. Lovecraft
Brian A. Bernhard …. Sci-fi Nerd
Chad Bernhard …. 70’s Journalist

Buy LoveCracked: The Movie on DVD