Look, folks, just go rent a porn film. You know, where they actually have sex instead of just pretending to? The kind that gets delivered to your house in a brown paper bag? Or the kind that requires you to enter a back room with beaded curtains to get to? Yeah, those kind. Chances are you’ll find better acting and a better storyline in those films than in here. Or if not, at least you’ll see actual sex instead of just a bunch of naked people pretending to have sex.
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But I digress.
“Lust Connection” is a movie by the infamous Jim Wynorski, a man who, depending on the type of movie he’s making, also go by Jay Andrews, Harold Blueberry, Bob Brown, David Gibbs, Noble Henry, Tom Popatopolous, and Arch Stanton, to name just a few. I’m sure ol Wynorski has slipped by on a name or two that we haven’t heard of over the years. In the case of the softcore erotic flick “Lust Connection”, Wynorski has chosen H.R. Blueberry, and what a mighty fine pseudonym it is.
As with most throwaway, shot-on-a-weekend-for-a-grand softcore film masquerading as an actual movie, “Lust Connection” concerns a philandering husband named Rick who becomes the primary suspect when his big-breasted wife Susan (Glori-Anne Gilbert) slips in the jacuzzi and drowns. Or maybe she was choked and murdered, although it didn’t really look like she was choked, more like someone snuck up behind her and gave her a massage.
So okay, I’m going with the “slip and drown” theory.
Ol Rick doesn’t exactly have an alibi when the wifey went and drown herself (couldn’t she have used her giant gazongas as floatation devices?), and his past as an Internet sex perv doesn’t help matters. After the real killer (apparently) broke into his computer and (apparently) changed his screensaver so it spells out “I did it, I killed her” (or something to that effect), Rick comes out of the closet and confesses to the hardboiled cop who is nosing around that he, Rick, has been having affairs under his wife’s nose. I guess being so big-breasted, the wife was also dumb and hard of hearing, because at one point Rick has sex with a woman all over the house while the wife is reading downstairs. No, really. This actually happens.
It would be amazingly generous to call “Lust Connection” an actual movie. As with most of Wynorski’s films where the film’s title is a groan-inducing play on words (or the title of a more famous movie — see his “Bare Wench Project” franchise — yes, I said franchise), “Lust” is little more than an excuse to drive out to the country for a weekend, stay at someone’s swanky house on the hills, and film a lot of people having sex.
Or actually, it’s film a lot of different women having sex with the guy who plays Rick. Who, it should be said, is not exactly Mister Universe. The male lead’s general lack of appeal wouldn’t be so obvious if the women who were throwing themselves all over him weren’t all out of his class in the looks department.
At one point the beautiful Ms. Chasey Lain, long retired from porn, shows up to have sex with Rick the Lard, but curiously forgets that this is supposed to be a movie, and that she shouldn’t be making eyes at the camera and, you know, doing her porn act. I guess it’s true what they say — you can take the girl out of porn, but you can’t convince her to stop fingering her mouth while staring at the camera. I guess Wynorski must have been too busy fixing himself a bologna sandwich during this particular sex scene. It did take place in the kitchen table, after all. (Or to be more precise, on the kitchen table.)
It’s of course pointless to criticize “Lust Connection”, since the title alone tells you what you’re going to get. It’s one of those movies that is proud of its schlock appeal, and knows full well it’s a cheapo flick that’s going to make a profit just by having been made in the first place. There is a market for this, after all, or else they would have stopped making it long ago. B-movie makers aren’t the most talented bunch out there, but they do know to stop making crap when people stops buying it.
If you are considering “Lust” for the cheap simulated sex, may I recommend grabbing a porn flick instead? Let’s not fool ourselves. You’re not going to get anything out of this one, and if anything you’re just denying yourself what you’re really after in the first place.
Go for it. Grab that porno. Or better yet, order it from the Internet. Everybody does. Heck, if you grab a porno instead of “Lust Connection”, you’ll probably end up seeing most of the same women anyway! Half of the female cast in “Lust” are straight out of some gonzo sex flick.
Jim Wynorski (as H.R. Blueberry) (director)
CAST: Glori-Anne Gilbert …. Jenny/Susan
Chasey Lain, Julie K. Smith