Python 2 (2002) Movie Review

I think it goes without saying that a movie called “Python 2” is bad. Even for a Straight-to-Video movie, a class of picture that is usually synonymous with the word “bad movie”, “Python 2” takes the cake.

Essentially about a giant python snake created by the Evil U.S. Government for Evil Intentions, the python snake is captured by a joint American-Russian operation somewhere in Russia. (Why it’s loose in the first place, or how it got to Russia, is a total mystery.) Interestingly, the cave where the snake happens to be slithering around also happens to be the same cave where a dragon used to roam in “Dragon Fighter”, another STV victim. (Actually, a lot of the same locations and props used here were also used in “Dragon Fighter”.) After a series of absurd and wholly uninteresting plot points, the python ends up in a Russian military base where it gets loose, and the American Government sends an Untrustworthy CIA Spook to recover it.

It’s movies like “Python 2” that makes me not care if I write a full (i.e. proper) review or not. I mean, folks, this movie is just bad. The editing is atrocious and continuity doesn’t exist in this film. The direction by L.A. McConnell is incompetent and borders on amateurish. McConnell seems more concern with throwing in as many “Reservoir Dogs”-like slow motion moments (you know, the scene where tough guys walk “coolly” to and fro?) than he is about shooting a coherent film. (I wonder what “L.A.” stands for? Or better yet, I wonder if I could care any less?)

The big star of “Python 2” is of course the big snake. The snake is all CGI, which may explain how the creature goes from being the size of a man one moment to the size of a truck the next and only to morph into the size of a bloody skyscraper later on. To be honest, the film worked better when writer Jeff Rank was making us “imagine” what the python looked like in the beginning by having characters run around shooting at nothing. Of course this doesn’t exactly explain how the python managed to use a flamethrower to disable a truck’s tire, but I guess we’re not supposed to think about those sorts of things.

William Zabka, who apparently was also in the original “Python” and didn’t learn his lesson, is the Untrustworthy CIA Spook that entices married couple Dwight (Dana Ashbrook) and Nalia (Simmone Mackinnon) to help him retrieve the snake. Now why would a U.S. Government agent working on foreign soil recruit an ex-baseball player like Dwight and his Russian wife to help in a most important recovery mission? Why, because they own a truck! Well, that makes perfect sense to me. Besides offering little reason to exist in the movie except to mope about how he once hit some guy in the head with a baseball during a game, Dwight is pretty much a non-entity, although this doesn’t explain why we spend so much time with him and his emotional problems.

Lack of proper characters aside, “Python 2” is nevertheless good for a laugh. The film is essentially a Teen Slasher movie, with the python taking on Superninja like qualities since it can be anywhere the film calls for without any regard to the laws of space-time. And oh, I also believe that at one point the snake can fly, thus breaking gravity laws as well.

L.A. McConnell (director) / Jeff Rank (screenplay)
CAST: William Zabka …. Greg Larson
Dana Ashbrook …. Dwight
Alex Jolig …. Matthew Coe
Simmone Mackinnon …. Nalia

Buy Python 2 on DVD