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 s this is my first review for Nixflix.com, let's
set a few ground rules. First, I don't use big words just to show you how
smart I am. I know lots of fancy words. Like sycophant, for example. But
you're looking for an informed opinion on movies and not my SAT scores.
Second, I don't recommend a film based on popular opinion among snooty
reviewers. I don't care if it wins an Oscar – if I think it blows, I'll
tell you. Third, I don't give away major plot points. You know, like how
that chick in "The
Crying Game" is actually a dude.
Now,
lets get on to my inaugural review.
We're
talking about the direct-to-video release of "And Then They Were
Dead". Scared yet? You oughta be. See, this is a slasher flick. The
script is reminiscent of something Agatha Christie might have written.
That is, if she'd been learning disabled. Or a hard-core heroin user.
You
know the drill. There's the "so good it's amazing" category, the
"so bad it's almost good" level, and the "so bad it gives
you irregular heartbeats and lactose intolerance" class. I'm gonna go
ahead and assign that last one to "And Then They Were Dead".
What's
it about? Okay, get your finger quotes ready, cuz we're talking cliché-fest
here. The deal is, a group of unwitting strangers get "anonymous
invitations" to visit what turns out to be a "remote
mansion." Where a "mystery host" has planned a
"special dinner." You can probably see where this is going. One
by one people leave the table (and occasionally do a little bangin' while
they're gone) then turn up dead.
The
cool thing is, most of them deserve to die. Hard to say whether the actors
are annoying or if it's just their characters. That's how bad the acting
is. Either way, this bunch is asking for it. And, as the phony knife
passes at least eight inches above the skin of the first innocent victim
-- who flinches but doesn't scream as she is supposedly being butchered --
it's kinda hard to give a crap.
Yeah,
this is the cast from hell. The John F. Kennedy high school drama club
performing "Our Town" could act circles around these would-be
thespians. One guy does all his acting with his eyebrows – they scrunch,
they furrow, they pump up and down wildly with each word of dialogue. It's
a feat I've not seen attempted by even the likes of Tom Cruise or Brooke
Shields.
Now
let's give credit where it's due. We have Ray Schwetz to thank for this
train wreck. Mr. Schwetz wrote, directed, produced and starred in the
film. Apparently, he couldn't quite choose one area to focus on, so he
decided to suck at everything. I'm pretty sure the guy means well. You can
tell he's really enjoying himself. Sadly, he'll be alone in that regard. I
wish I could say that with a real production budget he could do more.
Unfortunately, the whole concept is just one big fake bloody mess. To the
point where Schwetz should not only be banned from making films, I'd go so
far as to say he shouldn't even be allowed to rent any for a year.
I
could get into the finer points of the direction, the sets, the production
value, etc. But what's the point? All you really need to know is that any
human being who walks erect could top this backwash if he got his hands on
a digital video camera. So if you come across this DVD in your local video
store, flee from it. I mean run like you would from a rabid squirrel. If
you can't find anything else, just stare at your blank television screen
for 82 minutes. You'll be better off.
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