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for a couple of scenes where it lives up to its
marquee draw ("Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz
together for the first time!"),
"Bandidas" is surprisingly dull stuff.
Not just that, but tedious and at times overly
odious in its lame -- and some might say, as
clever or original as day old bread -- jabs at all
things Americana. Written by Frenchman Luc Besson
and Mark Kamen (and funded by Besson's Europa
Corp.) as some kind of lightweight female version
of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid",
"Bandidas" stars Cruz and Hayek as
mismatched babes turned bank robbing babes. The
film is obviously intended to be a fun romp
through a fictitious Wild Wild West, but is
instead a mostly derivative attempt to capitalize
on the popularity (one supposes) of Cruz and
Hayek. I say "one supposes" because
neither women have proven to have any box office
clout, and this duet doesn't possess enough
quality to end that losing streak.
Cruz and Hayek are Maria and
Sara, respectively, two very different women (Sara
is rich and educated in Europe, Maria is dirt poor
and talks to her horse) who team up to battle
slimy killer Jackson (Dwight Yoakam), an American
who has come down south with an army of similarly
greasy and dirty gunmen to steal Mexican land and
kill a lot of Mexican folks in cold blood because,
you know, that's just how our villainous Mr.
Jackson likes to roll. (Proper and believable
character motivations, it seems, has no place in
"Bandidas".) After their respective
fathers are attacked (Sara's is poisoned, Maria's
shot and left for dead) by Jackson, the two ladies
team up to rob Jackson's banks, hoping to keep
Jackson from gobbling up more land and kick more
people out of their homes.
Taking the Robin Hood route,
the women of course give the money back to the
poor, whose lands were snatched by the dastardly
Jackson
for a measly one peso. If they refuse to take the
peso,
Jackson
hands out bullets instead. Ouch. I'd take the peso
myself. Determined to stop the bandidas from
meddling in his evil plans,
Jackson
brings nerdy New York Detective Quentin (Steve
Zahn) to help catch them. Quentin is not your
usual Wild West Detective; he's determined to
prove that "CSI"-type forensics is the
future of cop work because, well, the script
probably thought it would be cool to see a guy
doing "CSI" stuff in the Wild Wild West.
Unfortunately for
Jackson
, Quentin soon realizes that the two women aren't
so bad (plus, they're hot and they just spent 10
minutes straddling his naked body in bed), and
decide to join up in their outlaw ways. Not all
that much hilarity, but certainly a game attempt
at it by the two leading ladies, ensues.
The main selling point of
"Bandidas" is (as if you couldn't have
figured it out by now) the teaming of two gorgeous
and famous Latin actresses in the leading roles.
To their credit, Hayek and Cruz are clearly giving
the film their all, even if their comic banter are
of the hit and miss variety, perhaps mostly
because Cruz sounds like a squeaking 12-year old
girl and Hayek looks so much older than Cruz that
I keep thinking they should be playing mother and
daughter. It doesn't help that Besson has never
been that good at writing comedy, and as a result
the film is left to rely on the two women's
chemistry (they're friends in real life) and
individual charisma to salvage what is an
unexceptional piece of cinema. Caveat emptor: if
you have no interest in either women, the film
will be a train wreck.
"Bandidas"
entertains in spurts, such as when the two women
have Quentin tied up and the worldly Sara decides
to give the virginal Maria an impromptu lesson in
the proper ways to kiss a man using Quentin as a
test dummy. Lucky bastard. The film's decision to
make the villains American seems like a stretch,
as a Mexican villain would have made more sense
from a geographical point of view, although an
American villain does provide Besson and Kamen
opportunities to randomly take cheap pop shots at
Americana
. Country singer turned actor Dwight Yoakam plays
such an evil character that one expects to see
Jackson
twirling his mustache everytime he speaks.
Perennial second banana Steve
Zahn plies his usual comedic sidekick role as the
bumbling Quentin, although Zahn's comedy seems to
be limited by a script that doesn't exactly know
comedy on a first name basis. What
"Bandidas" needed most was not a
restrained Zahn, but to let him loose. There is a
welcome cameo by Sam Shepard as an aging outlaw
hiding out in Mexico, but like his character's
abrupt introduction, he leaves the show much too
soon.
Geared up for Stateside
theatrical release sometime in May 2006,
"Bandidas" is a silly adventure film
about two women who likes to spontaneously engage
in catfights, try out new, matching outfits, and
who oftentimes ends up wet for various reasons.
Fans of both Hayek and Cruz are liable to enjoy
the film more than the average moviegoer, and if
you don't fall into that category, than
"Bandidas'" 90 minutes will seem like an
eternity of rehashed gags. The PG-13 rating
guarantees no real nudity, although the film does
test its rating's limit with the aforementioned
Steve Zahn tied to a bed while nude as the two
women straddle him sequence. Now that's my idea of
being held captive!
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