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 nly
in
Hollywood
would you see gorgeous women, aspiring to be
something, showing off their slinky bulimic
figures at a screening for a film the likes of
"Coming Attractions". Ah, the sycophants
never miss an opportunity to self aggrandize and
network in this rundown promise land, no matter
how ridiculous their efforts look to the modest
outside observer. Nestled in the semi-circular
lounge seats of Cinespace, I overheard agents
being name-dropped and entertainment companies
hyped; if you have never visited
Hollywood
, just watch "Swingers" or another
parody of the lifestyle for it is very sobering to
actually uncover the ramped existence of this
stereotype. The irony of some of those
aforementioned succulent attendees being present
at this screening was the fact that the movie
being shown was extremely low budget, grainy,
unglamorous and seemingly still in the
editing process.
"Coming
Attractions", written and directed by Jason
Bunch, is a puerile amalgamation of sketch comedy
shorts. The cast consists of supermodel Angie
Everhart, Dennis Rodman, the old dude who played
Mr. Miyagi and a myriad of others destined to star
in "The Surreal Life" on VH1. In short,
"Coming Attractions" falls somewhere
between "Naked Gun 33 1/3" and a film
reviewer's hell as depicted by Jean Paul Sartre's
interpretation of the eternal damnation hot spot
in his play "No Exit".
This film is unabashedly offensive. Not to
me, but for about nine tenths of the international
viewing audience. But the doddering creative
forces behind "Coming Attractions" were
going for that kitschy, cult status type thing;
unfortunately they aren't fit to trim John Waters'
mustache or slice Monty Python's spam.
The movie begins with an
idiotic political gibe, as the presidential father
and son team of Bushes reenact the opening scene
of "Pulp Fiction", brandishing firearms
in the name of liberating restaurants. From there
we are served up hearty doses of child beating,
racism, suicide humor, breasts, penises, midgets,
drugs and everything else you would expect from
people who fail to understand that comedy needs
more than just references to work, it needs
situations as well. Even the stabs at non-sequitur
like "Kangaroo Herpes" or lawyers who
represent only victims of white tiger attacks do
nothing in the way of generating laughs.
But it would be wholly unfair
to say that I didn't crack one single smile during
this entire event. Here are some of the highlights
buried deep within a canyon of lows. I won't be
ruining much because, other than those present at
the screening, I doubt many people will ever see
this movie.
In a skit spoofing porno
channels, two advertisements are shown for
upcoming features. One is about a busty woman who
lusts for a tree and as she is groping it, the
tree ejaculates sap all over her which she
proceeds to delightedly bathe herself in. The
second stars past
California
candidate for governor and actual porn star Mary
Carey in a film entitled, "How the West was
won…With Dildos!" Next is a raunchy TV
psychic named Lowell Bukkake who sees the future
only when he masturbates. Former Howard Stern
sidekick Jackie Martling has the only truly funny
segment in the film, when a cartoon version of him
does a short stand up act which kills with
pinpoint dirty jokes.
There is also an ad for a
college that specializes in degrees in "being
a stuck up c*nt" and "genocide", a
witty PSA against marijuana and my consolation
prize, getting to see Gen from the S&M band
Genitorturers in her trademark PVC gear. I am not
being facetious when I say that cyber-punk Goth
girls with dreadlocks and tattoos can be really
sexy, Gen being the holy grail of such females.
I would not recommend anybody
see this movie. And if you are inclined to view it
for the shock factor your dopey friend whose
cousin was one of the lighting guys on the set
told you it has, my advice would be to drink a few
forties first or blaze a fat one. Since you can
already see Angie and Gen scantily clad online for
free, "Coming Attractions" is rendered totally unnecessary.
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