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 here are certain films that you question why the
producers even bothered to make. "Decoys" falls nicely into that
category. An uninspired mating of sci-fi, horror, and campus sex comedy,
it's as awful as it is ridiculous.
"Decoys" transports us
to St. John's College campus, where buddies Luke (Corey Sevier) and Roger
(Elias Toufexis) are engaging in the worthy pursuit of having sex with hot
girls. Lady luck seems to smile on them when a pair of gorgeous blondes
aggressively flirts with them and practically promises to fulfill their
goal. Problem is, these aren't ordinary women -- they're aliens that kill
their partners during sex by freezing their internal organs. Now with their
minds set on just survival, the guys set out to destroy the aliens and make
sex safe for horny college kids again.
You'd have to wonder what in God's name was going through the minds of
writers Tom Berry and Matthew Hastings when they dreamed up this turkey. The
idea isn't terribly original and the execution isn't particularly well done.
The characters are thinly drawn and unlikable, and the dialogue is likely to
induce wincing rather than laughter. The storyline is predictable to the
extent that you can accurately predict what a character will do several
minutes before he or she even does it. It's hard not to get the impression
that the writers rented a bunch of other films, watched them, and then tried
to condense what they'd seen into a script.
Hastings also directs this mess, and he seems to have no illusions regarding
what he has to work with. Still, you have to give him credit, because he
does seem to have put a lot of effort into a film that doesn't really
deserve it. Hastings seems like a man who'd rather light a candle than
simply give up and curse the darkness, and that comes through in the final
film. Hastings does do some good things, notably providing numerous shots of
female nudity to the eternal gratitude of male viewers and keeping the film
moving along at a reasonable pace.
However, the director does skimp on the gore, which
is a cardinal sin for a horror film. The winter setting is visually
appealing, but Hastings has trouble wringing decent performances out of
his cast. That isn't entirely his fault, however, considering what he has
to work with. Trying to get heartfelt performances out of this cast would
be like trying to teach Quantum Physics to Attica inmates.
There are some notable exceptions, however. Kim
Poirer and Stephanie von Pfetten are radiant as the murderous aliens. They
exude such an erotic presence that you feel sorely tempted to initiate
first contact with them even knowing the consequences. Meghan Ory is also
good as the girl with a secret crush on one of the leads. She's such a
likeable actress you wish she had better taste in men. As for leads Corey
Sevier and Elias Toufexias, the aliens are more than welcome to them.
These two won't be missed.
"Decoys" is silly and almost impossible to enjoy, a misfire that
forces its audience to bear witness to its deficiencies for over 90
minutes. We could really do without that, but at least there are
attractive and naked women to ease our suffering. Unless you're a
practicing masochist, it's best to avoid "Decoys". |
