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 FO Films, the production company that made
"Epoch", has done some of the worst movies I've ever had the
misfortune to see. They count "Dragon
Fighter" and "Python
2" among their cheapo failures, although compared to this travesty
called "Epoch", the former two films are Godsends. In UFO movies you
can usually count on seeing at least one shot of a CGI helicopter flying around,
as well as a CGI army transport plane. The writer or director of most of their
films is Phillip J. Roth, who I'm sure either owns stock in the company or owns
it. No one with any level of competent sanity would voluntarily spend their
career working for a company as vacuous as UFO Films.
Another UFO staple is the presence of faceless U.S. Army
soldiers carrying M16 rifles and wearing loose-fitting costume store-quality
"uniforms". And oh, the soldiers will always prove to be the most
inept and downright imbecilic group of soldiers to ever take up soldiering as a
profession. Of course their brainless presence is made even more unbelievable
because the movie always refers to them as either a "special force" or
"elite" this or that; i.e. they're supposed to be exceptionally well
trained, but proves not to be so by a long shot.
With CGI vehicles and brain dead U.S. "special
forces" soldiers at hand, Matt Codd's "Epoch" stars David Keith
("Daredevil")
as Mason Rand, a super smart guy who can figure super weird stuff really super
fast. Rand, who is dying of some movie disease, has about 12 months or so to
live, which means he goes around acting like a jackass and is prone to temper
tantrums when he doesn't get his way. And oh, being that he's a civilian, Rand
is also a self-righteous jackass, even if his supposedly
"righteousness" comes across as somewhat retarded to the rest of us.
Rand has been recruited by the (what else?) inept U.S.
Government to explore a giant black rock-like structure that has just popped up
from the Earth and is now standing in the middle of the Bhutan desert. The
object is the size of a skyscraper, and seems to have the ability to cure
people. Also sent to explore the object is Dr. KC (Stephanie Niznik) and a small
group of "highly trained soldiers" (*snicker*) led by Captain Tower
(Brian Thompson), who claims he has no thoughts about the object because he's
"not paid to think". The same goes for all soldiers in UFO Films,
apparently.
No sooner does the group gain entrance into the alien
object does a couple of Red Chinese Migs appear and fires a missile at the rock.
Oh wait. Let me back up. The Bhutan Government has invited the U.S. Government
to explore the object, but they haven't done the same for the Chinese.
Hence, not having the invitation to enter another country's sovereign land, the
Red Chinese are such morons that they'll send two jetfighters into another
country's airspace anyway and shoot a missile at the object with American
troops inside! Does the term "international incident of World War
III-like proportions" mean anything to these people?
But wait! After the Chinese jets have shot at the rock and
been destroyed by the rock in self-defense, the Americans worry about how
to explain the destruction of the Chinese jets to the Chinese! How about this,
geniuses -- why not demand that the Chinese explain for sending their
jets, having their jets fire at the rock, and the presence of a division of
Chinese soldiers in Bhutan land first!
You know, it's movies like "Epoch", with its
unbelievable character motivations and a script devoid of any semblance of
intelligence that makes me wish I had the energy to write longer reviews. That
way I could take the movie apart piece by piece and show you, dear readers, just
how awful and completely worthless this film really is. Unfortunately I have
neither the time nor the inclination to do so, and so this little hatchet piece
will have to do.
The worst part about "Epoch" is that it has a terrific
premise.
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