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 arly in "Half Past Dead" a Federal Agent, with
an army of agents at her beck and call, decides against taking down an illegal
chop shop by surprise and then negotiating with the leader of the thieves later
on in the safe confines of, say, an interview room. Instead, she makes the
bright decision to waltz into the chop shop by herself. Once the thief rebukes
her offer, a gunfight of John Woo proportions ensues. This offers
writer/director Don Michael Paul the chance to show the world that John Woo
isn't the only one who can do great shootouts. Of course Paul is wrong, and
although Woo may not be the only one who can do great shootouts, Paul is no John
Woo.
Now that you know the caliber of the writing and directing
we're dealing with here, is there any doubt that "Half Past Dead" is
D.O.A.? Except for the appearance Nia Peeples, who plays one of Morris
Chestnut's black leather clad gunman (er, gunwoman), "Half Past Dead"
is a movie better left in the trash heap of forgettable Steven Seagal movies
(which is getting higher and higher by the year, I might add). It's most telling
that the only credits writer/director Don Michael Paul has had before writing
and shooting this opus are a string of TV shows, and not a single one of them
worth bragging about at that.
Steven Seagal ("The
Foreigner") looks even more bloated than usual playing Sascha, a
supposed master car thief who, along with partner in crime Nick (rapper Ja
Rule), are caught and sentenced to New Alcatraz. The island prison is so new
that its hardcore warden Tony Plana, whose character is called El Fuego, is
using the prisoners to help finish the place. (Say, wouldn't it be better to finish
building the jail before bringing the prisoners in? No!
Must...stop...thinking...) Actually, El Fuego is such a tough and mean
s.o.b. that he doesn't even bother to speak English most of the times. It's a
good thing then that New Alcatraz's seemingly all-black prison population (with
the exception of Sascha, of course) can speak Spanish, or they wouldn't
understand a single thing the warden is saying. Right?
"Half Past Dead" is a mishmash of a lot of
genres, one of which is "Die Hard" -- our gunmen, led by Morris
Chestnut, breaks into a prison to claim some stolen loot and ends up
having to deal with a lone warrior who alters their supposedly simple plan. It's
all been done before and done much, much better. The movie is so over-the-top
and cartoonish in its displays of wanton violence and gunplay that it's not even
worth mentioning that the hand-to-hand fights always end up with combatants
getting kicked and punched and thrown around a room for what seems like hours on
end, but they always manage to stand up at the end of it without a single
bruise.
As mentioned, the only thing of note about "Half Past
Dead" is Nia Peeples, who turns in a great performance as a slick and
stunning gunwoman. In the movie's best scene, Peeples takes on rapper-turn-bad
actor Ja Rule in a cramp hallway and pretty much wipes the floor, the wall, and
the ceiling with his butt. Who knew that the former host of a silly TV show
called "The Dance Machine" could kick so much ass and do it so
convincingly? I guess her time on "Walker, Texas Ranger" really paid
off. Love those blue eye shadows by the way.
Like rappers that have come before him, Ja Rule once again
proves my theory that rappers-turn-actors should only be allowed to play either
the Sassy Black Guy in horror films or the Comedic Sidekick in action-comedy
movies. Ja Rule is neither very funny or sassy in "Half Past Dead",
which according to my theory means he's way out of his element. Of course it
deserves mentioning that I'm more apt to believe Ja Rule as a smooth criminal
with a good right hook than Steven Seagal as a master car thief, but that's
really not saying much, is it?
"Half Past Dead" is a bad movie. It's slick,
expensive, and everything blows up at one point or another, but so what?
And will someone please tell Steven Seagal to go on a diet
already. For Christ sake, I have an easier time believing me as an action
hero...
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