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of Wax" is the latest in a line of name-only remakes from the Dark Castle
production house, following in the illustrious footsteps of "The
House on Haunted Hill" and "Thirteen
Ghosts". As with its predecessors, the film retains only the basic
premise of the 1950s original, choosing instead to mould its narrative around
the usual bunch of overage designer teens. This approach, whilst having provided
the studio reasonable financial returns, has not exactly endeared it to serious
horror fans, and so their annual genre releases, "House of Wax" most
definitely included, are not generally awaited with bated breath. Worse still,
any hopes that the film may buck the depressingly stagnant trend of recent genre
entries are not helped by the presence of music video / TV commercials director
Jaume Collet-Sera, or a cast of disposable fashion victims which happens to
include the loathsome and blissfully talent-free Paris Hilton.
The film starts in much the same way as a hundred
others, with a group of college teens heading off on a road trip, and
unwisely deciding to take a cross-country shortcut. Surprising no-one,
they soon end up with car trouble, and fall foul of the usual inbred,
yet strangely inventive psychotics which screenwriters seem to think
lurk in every turn off the beaten track. The marginal twist on the
formula in "House of Wax" is that the teens encounter a maniac
who likes making real life wax statues of the unfortunate travellers he
somehow manages to secret away to his surprisingly well-equipped lair,
which is, in a stunning act of fiercely intellectual irony, made of
actual wax.
This really is all that the plot has to offer, and
there is absolutely no attempt to spice up the standard formula in any
fashion whatsoever. This in itself is of course a dispiriting side note,
rather than an actual criticism, as "House of Wax" is no
guiltier of unoriginality than the vast majority of recent genre
releases. What really sticks in the craw however is the way the film
makes no attempt to excel in any way, and seems to almost deliberately
avoid pushing the envelope or stray from its by-the-numbers approach in
every aspect of production.
The film has almost nothing of everything – no
gore, no nudity, no scares, and thus, no point. Director Collet-Sera has
an almost uncanny ability of ruining every potential set up, either with
lame wisecracks (which take up half the film), or blasts of incessantly
loud, radio friendly music (which takes up the other half). For a
supposed genre film, he seems unconcerned with including horror of any
kind, be it visceral or psychological, and as a result it is very hard
to imagine any viewers of any age or disposition feeling anything other
than a growing anger at the realisation that this is a film which
stubbornly and consistently refuses to deliver on any level other than
lame, pseudo-cool homo-erotic banter.
Instead, "House of Wax" resembles a series of
unimaginative music clips, as the cast mug and grimace whilst modelling
a series of colourful outfits which just scream 'please kill me'. Alas,
these much desired deaths are few and far between, and do not even come
close to providing the cathartic blood letting demanded by the viewer's
glum frustration at being tricked into paying to see such trash.
Collet-Sera's
inexplicable, yet unflagging dedication to dullness is taken to its very
limit by the fact that the film lasts an incredible and mind-boggling
113 minutes. There is no possible justification for a film with so
little to show or tell to last nearly two hours, though at least the
tortured viewer will have plenty of time to ponder this mystery. Since
the film's 'money shots' have already been quite neatly edited together
into a less than enticing trailer shown for free, the sad fact is that
most viewers will already have seen all that is worth seeing.
In the name of fairness, it should be noted that the
film does have decent production values, and the climatic scene features
some reasonably creative effects, though these are somewhat overshadowed
by the joy that the viewer will doubtless be feeling knowing that their
ordeal is coming to an end. There really is only one reason for watching
"House of Wax", and that is to answer the question 'does Paris
Hilton die?' In the name of saving viewers from having to put themselves
through an excruciatingly painful and dull experience, the answer is
'yes'.
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