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 f you decide to watch "Jesus Christ Vampire
Hunter", you will bear witness to the following:
(And depending on
your level of taste or sense of humor, you will either weep at how bad the movie
is, or chuckle at how bad the movie is. Either way, you'll come to the
conclusion that this is a really, really bad movie.)
Jesus Christ being played by an actor who can't be more
than 5 feet tall, taking on an army of lesbian vampires in Goth makeup and way too
many tattoos. (What is it with lesbian biker vampire chicks in low-budget Canada
films? Is there a union for such typecasting?)
Jesus Christ trading in his traditional robe and sandals
for '80s chic, including earrings, then teaming up with a Mexican wrestler
name Santos to take on the aforementioned lesbian vampires and their leader,
Johnny Golgotha. (What is it with masked Mexican wrestlers fighting lesbian
biker vampire chicks in low-budget Canada films? Is there a union for such
typecasting, and where can I sign up?)
Jesus Christ taking on an endless army of atheists at a
city park, and almost breaking the neck of one of the extras in a rather stupid
stunt. (Suits him right. Damn atheists. As the saying goes, there are no
atheists in park rumbles.)
A Canadian filmmaker name Lee Demarbre who apparently has
too much time on his hands, and who stumbled onto rolls of unused 16mm filmstock
in his basement, prompting him to get his buddies together to "make a
movie" over some free weekends. (Way to go, Lee, hope you didn't kill any
of your buddies during those stunts.)
Jesus Christ sparing a mad doctor (Josh Grace), only to get
sucker punch in the back of the neck for his charity. (See? This is why I say
you should never trust a mad doctor. They just aren't very trustworthy, these
people.)
A stray civilian, wandering into the background of the
film's climactic battle at a car salvage yard. (Way to go with location
security, guys.)
Jesus Christ being hit on by a character played by an
actress with an okay face and a nice ass but no discernible acting talent.
(Which, actually, means she's right at home.)
A beatnik store cashier getting mouthy with Jesus Christ.
(Don't you just hate beatniks? And beatnik store cashiers are doubly worst.)
Everyone delivering his or her lines post-sync, which means
the dubbing is worst than your average Hong Kong chop socky kung fu film. (Don't
they speak English up in Canada?)
Jesus Christ delivering his final message to his flock,
only to be interrupted by a phone call from "JP". (Talk about dating
your movie! Shouldn't it be from "JR"?)
A no-budget movie called "Jesus Christ Vampire
Hunter", which is so bad it may just be great -- or just really bad. Or
perhaps neither, and just, well, it's a low-budget Canadian films with lesbian
vampire biker chicks, Mexican wrestlers, and --
Well, it's Canadian. That says it all, doesn't it? Damn
those Canadians. Them and their Bryan Adams, curling, and whatnot...
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