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 've been asked why I haven't reviewed that many movies
from Thailand. It's simple, really. The vast majority of movies from Thailand
are just terrible. I mean, really, really bad. The acting, the writing, the
direction… It's only in recent years that filmmakers like Nonzee Nimibutr
("Jan Dara")
has managed to bring some measure of respectability to the industry. Even so, I
dread Thai movies the way I dread Serious Art House films.
Which brings me to "Krai Thong", which I think is
a terrific porn movie, except it's missing all the sex. Although it insinuates
sex, the film is incapable of going beyond the kissing stage. Oh sure, Winai
Kraibutr ("Nang Nak")
as the titular hero Krai Thong does kiss a lot of women on a lot of different
parts of their body, but there's no nudity or anything that would lead you to
believe that the filmmakers or actors know what "sex" is or looks
like. For that matter, while Krai Thong gets to do all the kissing, his female
co-stars pretty much lay there like blocks concrete.
More softcore porn than an actual movie, "Krai
Thong" tells the legendary (I'm assuming) tale of Krai Thong, a crocodile
hunter with skills that would give Steve Irwin (of "Crikey!" fame) a
run for his money. This particular talent comes in handy when a village is under
siege by a crocodile the size of a house (!). After watching 50 or so of his
citizenry become croc snack, the village's big kahuna sends for the country's
best croc hunter, promising them half of his fortune and 6 virgins as a reward
for killing the evil croc.
As it turns out, the croc is actually a demon name Chalawan
(Jet Padoongtum), who has a sweet tooth for one of the village leader's
daughter. Apparently hornier than he is hungry, the croc abducts Tong (Wannasa
Thongviset) and drags her down to his undersea lair to have his way with her.
Krai Thong comes to the rescue, with his pal Jimmy Olsen in tow. Well, the
"pal" is not actually named Jimmy Olsen, but you get the idea. Their
relationship is that of Superman and Jimmy Olsen, although I'm sure Jimmy Olsen
never gave Superman a shoulder rub while, ahem, heaping praises on his super
strong buddy. Of course any notion of a homoerotic attraction is done away with
by Krai Thong's bedding (and marrying!) of every women he locks eyes with,
including one of Chalawan's old lady (who is herself a croc-demon)!
"Krai Thong" wouldn't be so bad if it didn't take
itself so seriously. Director Suthat Intaranupakorn seems to understand what
he's up against. With a budget that is probably too generous to even call
"low", Intaranupakorn pulls out every camera trick in the book to hide
the fact that he's working with barely serviceable CGI crocodiles, no-talent
actors, and horrific hired-off-the-street people that give the phrase
"background extras" a bad name. As a result of the small budget and
lack of thespian talent, "Krai Thong" is as believable as month-old
bread trying to pass itself off as a fresh croissant.
Of course this doesn't prevent the movie from showing signs
of ambition. At one point, Krai Thong battles a flying CGI crocodile; later he
parts a river ala Moses at the Red Sea. Yes, the special effects are pretty
cheap looking, but the point is, they tried. And to be honest, they
sometimes succeeded. In-between scenes where stupid villagers run to the giant
croc so it can gulp them up like candy, Krai Thong swims around in a swimming
pool that's supposed to be a deep river.
And did I mention that the young ladies in the movie are
gorgeous? The film is filled with pleasing eye candy in the form of half-naked
women that, remarkably, never once manages to lose those little strips of fabric
that covers up their breasts. Not once! "Krai Thong", as previously
mentioned, has the cheap look, feel, and vibe of a porn movie with ambitions of
being more. That is, it would be a perfect porn movie except it doesn't have any
nudity or sex in it.
For those wondering, the answer is Yes, "Krai
Thong" is bad enough that it could be considered good. A couple
cases of beer later, a couple of good friends with nothing better to do for
company, and "Krai Thong" could very well turn into a masterpiece!
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