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 ook,
folks, just go rent a porn film. You know, where they actually have sex instead
of just pretending to? The kind that gets delivered to your house in a brown
paper bag? Or the kind that requires you to enter a back room with beaded
curtains to get to? Yeah, those kind. Chances are you'll find better acting and
a better storyline in those films than in here. Or if not, at least you'll see
actual sex instead of just a bunch of naked people pretending to have sex.
(This Public Service Announcement brought to you by
the fine folks at BeyondHollywood.com.)
But I digress.
"Lust Connection" is a movie by the
infamous Jim Wynorski, a man who, depending on the type of movie he's
making, also go by Jay Andrews, Harold Blueberry, Bob Brown, David
Gibbs, Noble Henry, Tom Popatopolous, and Arch Stanton, to name just a
few. I'm sure ol Wynorski has slipped by on a name or two that we
haven't heard of over the years. In the case of the softcore erotic
flick "Lust Connection", Wynorski has chosen H.R. Blueberry,
and what a mighty fine pseudonym it is.
As with most throwaway,
shot-on-a-weekend-for-a-grand softcore film masquerading as an actual
movie, "Lust Connection" concerns a philandering husband named
Rick who becomes the primary suspect when his big-breasted wife Susan
(Glori-Anne Gilbert) slips in the jacuzzi and drowns. Or maybe she was
choked and murdered, although it didn't really look like she was choked,
more like someone snuck up behind her and gave her a massage.
So okay, I'm going with the "slip and
drown" theory.
Anyhoo.
Ol Rick doesn't exactly have an alibi when the
wifey went and drown herself (couldn't she have used her giant gazongas
as floatation devices?), and his past as an Internet sex perv doesn't
help matters. After the real killer (apparently) broke into his computer
and (apparently) changed his screensaver so it spells out "I did
it, I killed her" (or something to that effect), Rick comes out of
the closet and confesses to the hardboiled cop who is nosing around that
he, Rick, has been having affairs under his wife's nose. I guess being
so big-breasted, the wife was also dumb and hard of hearing, because at
one point Rick has sex with a woman all over the house while the wife is
reading downstairs. No, really. This actually happens.
It would be amazingly generous to call "Lust
Connection" an actual movie. As with most of Wynorski's films where
the film's title is a groan-inducing play on words (or the title of a
more famous movie -- see his "Bare Wench Project" franchise --
yes, I said franchise), "Lust" is little more than an excuse
to drive out to the country for a weekend, stay at someone's swanky
house on the hills, and film a lot of people having sex.
Or actually, it's film a lot of different women
having sex with the guy who plays Rick. Who, it should be said, is not
exactly Mister Universe. The male lead's general lack of appeal wouldn't
be so obvious if the women who were throwing themselves all over him
weren't all out of his class in the looks department.
At one point the beautiful Ms. Chasey Lain, long
retired from porn, shows up to have sex with Rick the Lard, but
curiously forgets that this is supposed to be a movie, and that she
shouldn't be making eyes at the camera and, you know, doing her porn
act. I guess it's true what they say -- you can take the girl out of
porn, but you can't convince her to stop fingering her mouth while
staring at the camera. I guess Wynorski must have been too busy fixing
himself a bologna sandwich during this particular sex scene. It did take
place in the kitchen table, after all. (Or to be more precise, on
the kitchen table.)
It's of
course pointless to criticize "Lust Connection", since the
title alone tells you what you're going to get. It's one of those movies
that is proud of its schlock appeal, and knows full well it's a cheapo
flick that's going to make a profit just by having been made in the
first place. There is a market for this, after all, or else they would
have stopped making it long ago. B-movie makers aren't the most talented
bunch out there, but they do know to stop making crap when people stops
buying it.
If you are considering "Lust" for the
cheap simulated sex, may I recommend grabbing a porn flick instead?
Let's not fool ourselves. You're not going to get anything out of this
one, and if anything you're just denying yourself what you're really
after in the first place.
Go for it. Grab that porno. Or better yet, order it
from the Internet. Everybody does. Heck, if you grab a porno instead of
"Lust Connection", you'll probably end up seeing most of the
same women anyway! Half of the female cast in "Lust" are
straight out of some gonzo sex flick.
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