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for a whopping $160 million, 2006's
"Poseidon" was a disastrous business
proposition on and off screen. Which is
surprising, as many believed the 1972 original was
an ideal candidate for being improved upon. Alas,
a short running time, a huge amount of CGI (no
matter how flawless), and one-note characters
doomed Wolfgang Petersen's remake to the realm of
"Ishtar", where all movies with bloated
budgets, high expectations, and disastrous returns
are sentenced for life, and brought out on special
occasions only to be mocked or used as analogous
examples. Having said all that,
"Poseidon" ain't an altogether bad
Disaster Movie, and if approached purely on that
level, it more than meets expectations.
With its plot readily known
to the general populace, Petersen and screenwriter
Mark Protosevich wastes little time getting to the
heart of the matter. After a short 15 minutes of
breezy character introductions,
"Poseidon" summarily sinks the giant
cruise ship of the same name on New Years Eve, the
victim of what Andrew Braugher's Captain calls a
"Rogue Wave", not to be confused with a
Conformity Wave, or as the Canadians call it, Nice
Nice Wave. Quickly, a small band of survivors
emerge, determined to make their way through the
ship, now upside down, seeking shelter as water
begins to flood in and all manner of fire, death,
and brimstone provide them with deadly obstacles.
This is one lousy New Years Eve they'll definitely
remember.
Josh Lucas ("The
Hulk") leads the pack as ex-Navy man
Dylan, who one suspects might be some kind of
ex-Navy SEALs judging by his daring-do. He's
joined in his quest for survival by the father and
daughter team of Robert and Jennifer Ramsey (Kurt
Russell and Emmy Rossum), and Jennifer's fiancé
Christian (Mike Vogel). Not to be left behind are:
a gay architecture played by Richard Dreyfuss, who
was about to commit suicide by jumping overboard
when the Rogue Wave appeared (in one of the film's
best moments); mother and son team Maggie and
Conor James (Jacinda Barrett and Jimmy Bennett);
the disgustingly chauvinistic Lucky Larry (Kevin
Dillon), who proves not to be so fitting of his
nickname; and Latina stowaway Elena (Mia Maestro),
whose Latino last-minute boyfriend was
subsequently crushed while trying to escape in an
elevator shaft because, frankly, it just doesn't
pay to be a minority in a Disaster Movie.
The real brilliance of
"Poseidon" is how much death and carnage
Wolfgang Petersen was able to squeeze into the
film's 90-minute running time and still manage a
PG-13 rating. You would think hundreds (nay,
thousands) of people dying various grisly deaths
would be worthy of an R, but then again, you don't
know the MPAA. The film really is big one set
piece, with some tremendous and seamless CGI
blended in for the film's more harrowing
sequences. Falling metal beams, giant hunks of
ship parts, and flaming pyres of gasoline -- they
all look real and deadly. If you had any doubts
where the film's $160 million budget went,
watching "Poseidon" should dispel all
curiosity.
It's been said that
"Poseidon" is packed with
one-dimensional personalities (Dylan's strident
belief that he can survive no matter what;
Robert's paternal instincts for daughter Maggie;
daughter Maggie's obsessive love for fiancé
Christian; and so on), and perhaps this is true.
Not that it matters, of course.
"Poseidon" is a Disaster Movie, and the
only thing well-developed characters would have
done is hinder the disaster sequences. To this
end, director Wolfgang Petersen doesn't care about
what makes anyone tick (oh sure, there are the
cursory Impact Moments sprinkled throughout,
usually when someone is about to, or has, died),
only how to get them from one set piece to
another, and he does this marvelously. In fact,
the way the water continually stalks the survivors
brings to mind a Slasher movie. No matter how far
they go, no matter how many obstacles they
overcome, that damn water is still coming, and
coming...
"Poseidon" has been
edited so tightly that it feels as if we are
watching these people trying to survive in
real-time. The actors are constantly breathless,
acting on instinct, continually pressed forward
purely by the guttural, primitive need to survive
the death and destruction pursuing them like some
immortal Greek monster from the sea. Which makes
their different professions (the ex-Navy man is
familiar with ship design, the ex-firefighter
knows fire behavior, and the architect knows
construction) wholly convenient, but hey, it's a
movie about a giant cruise ship the size of the
Mall of America and with all the amenities getting
hit by a 10-story wave that no one saw coming
despite all the technologies available today. What
do you want, realism?
In many ways,
"Poseidon's" best feature, its breakneck
pace, is also its major failing, offering the
audience little time to fully take in the
situation. In no time, Dylan is on the move and
Robert and the others right behind him. Would any
of us really react so swiftly and with such great
conviction mere minutes after such a disaster?
Probably not. The pacing forces us to follow the
characters as they run from one deadly obstacle to
the next, as they breathlessly communicate their
makeshift plans to one another, and in many ways
the real danger of the situation never gets the
chance to be presented and mulled over before it
is quickly survived and we are onto the next
obstacle.
As a summer thrill ride,
"Poseidon" is not nearly as bad as you
may have heard. To be sure, it's no masterpiece,
and perhaps it relies on CGI and a hectic pace
just a bit too much. There isn't all that much
imagination to the script by Protosevich, and as
the majority of us don't know a bulkhead from a
port, we just have to take the movie's word for it
that the characters are doing perfectly logical
things as they navigate the wreckage of the
Poseidon. But as a purely entertainment vehicle,
"Poseidon" more than delivers. It has
thrills, death and destruction on a grand scale,
and its set pieces are quite eyefuls. One would
imagine that a director like Ang Lee would have
done more with the characters and their tenuous
situation, but then again, Ang Lee probably
wouldn't have remade a 1972 movie, so that is a
moot point.
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