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 he
title of the latest Steven Seagal direct-to-video
actioner pretty much sums up the man's career --
"Today You Die" is what you call a movie
when you can't be bothered to put any thought
behind it. Are you kidding me? "Today You
Die"? Sheesh. They're not even trying
anymore. Couldn't they have called it something
cooler, like, "Today You Are Marked For
Deadly Death Under Ground"? Or maybe,
"The Foreigner Who is Marked To Die Deadly
Fire Run Run Run"? I especially like the
second title. Adding "Deadly" and
"Fire" to a Seagal movie title just
seems…right.
In his latest opus, Seagal
plays Harlan Banks, a high-tech thief (we know
he's "high tech" because he has a black
doohickey that turns off alarms and whatnot) who
robs from the rich and gives to the poor. Or at
least that's what some guy with a shotgun tells
us. After his latest heist goes bad (he kills Mr.
Shotgun and about 10 of his associates), Stevie
hightails it to Vegas, where his nagging
girlfriend Jada (Mari Morrow) nags him into a real
job, or as she puts it, a "j-o-b". He
does, driving an armored car for shady guy Max
(Kevin Tighe), who we know is shady because the
first time we meet him there is ominous music, and
let's face it, actor Kevin Tighe hasn't a clue
what subtlety means.
As expected, the j-o-b is not
exactly legit, and ol Stevie ends up in a high
speed chase through the Vegas strip in said
armored van. Apparently Harlan is a real
Renaissance man -- he's not just a Robin Hood
high-tech thief, but he's also a world class
martial artist and the world's greatest getaway
driver. Although take note: despite being a Robin
Hood type of fella, Harlan sure doesn't see
anything particularly wrong with killing about a
dozen cops -- at least -- by using the armored van
as a battering ram during the getaway. In any
case, he's caught and sent to prison (wait, didn't
we already see this movie?), where he befriends
young tough black guy Ice Kool, played by rapper
Treach (okay, now I know I've seen this movie
before). But since this isn't "Half Past Dead
2: Three-Quarters Deader", Harlan escapes
prison, determined to hunt down the fiend Max who
set him up.
The action in "Today You
Die" are the usual Steven Seagal stuff,
namely bad guys point guns at him from 1 foot away
instead of just shooting him, he breaks their arms
or takes their guns away, then kills everyone
within 100 yards of the area. The action scenes
are not particularly logical, but that's nothing
new, especially in these days of Seagal
direct-to-video offerings. The efforts with which
the script goes to justify its action moments are
abysmal. Although here's a curious question for
the screenwriters: when a hospital is getting
ready to close down, do they really slap a bright
yellow sticker that reads, "Going out of
business" over their sign? That seems a
little, er, grocery store-like to me. But then
again, I'm not a highly paid
Hollywood
screenwriter, so what do I know.
The direction by FauntLeRoy
(apparently just one word) is just as lazy and
uninventive as the script. At one point, we get a
POV shot of some guards walking down a hallway.
Moments later, we get what is supposed to footage
from a stationary security cam in the hallway of
the same guards walking, except FauntLeRoy is so
lazy that he just re-used the footage of the
guards walking down the hallway and re-played it
on a "security monitor" within the
movie. FauntLeRoy later repeats this fabulous
technique during a newswoman's "report"
of Harlan's insanely easy prison break. Later, a
thief pulls out a gun with a silencer attached,
and before he can even fire his silenced
gun, two guards inside another
room entirely leaps into action before the
first (silenced)
shot was even fired. Yes, folks, it's that kind of
dedication to detail that has made Steven Seagal's
direct-to-video career a major success.
You expect bad
rappers-turned-bad actors in a Seagal movie, but
it's terribly disappointing to see how low the
great Nick Mancuso has fallen. (Tell me you didn't
love "Stingray.") Mancuso plays an FBI
agent who can't even be bothered to act normal
when we first meet him, since he has "clichéd
FBI asshole" written all over him. Sarah
Buxton plays an FBI agent with collagen in her
lips (or is she an actress with collagen in her
lips playing an FBI agent?), who for some reason
sorta falls in like with Seagal. Sorry, Sarah, ol
Stevie's already got a tarot card-lovin'
girlfriend name Jada, who, in perhaps an attempt
to increase Harlan's street cred, happens to be
black. Wow, no wonder Harlan gets along with the
black cons so well, the guy's practically a
brotha!
The film's best moments (and
I'm being very lenient here) involves Seagal and
Treach going about the film's second half trying
to locate criminal mastermind Max. The
screenwriters try their best to inject some
camaraderie between Harlan and Kool, but
predictably, it all falls into the realm of
unintentional humor. The line readings that are
supposed to represent rapport between these two
guys sound like both actors were given their
script the morning before the shoot, and couldn't
really remember their lines. It's really that
painful, albeit in a funny kind of way. Hilarious,
even. That insane interplay about a character's
supposed homosexual predisposition will have you
laughing in the aisles.
What can you say about
"Today You Die" except that it's, well,
a Steven Seagal movie made in the twilight of the
man's career. When you've been in so many bad
direct-to-video actioner as Seagal has, pretty
soon your movies start to look like it was
stitched together from three other movies you've
already done, which seems to be the case with
"Today You Die". And apparently someone
has figured out that Seagal does best when he's
paired up with a younger co-star, in particular
young black co-stars who are also gangsters. Now
that's what I call finding a niche and sticking to
it. Yo yo yo! Or somesuch.
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