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 he studios that put up the money for Rob Cohen's
"XXX" was so enthusiastic about the finished product that, even before
the film opened in theaters to big numbers, they had already greenlit (that is,
give the okay for) a sequel. The movie, about an underground extreme sports star
that gets recruited to join the N.S.A. led by Samuel L. Jackson, is a younger,
cruder, and extremely less sophisticated version of the James Bond films.
Then again, seeing as how the James Bond movies have become parodies of itself,
what's the harm?
Vin Diesel, fresh off the success of "The
Fast and the Furious" (also directed by Rob Cohen), is Xander Cage, a
tattooed hood who likes stealing pretty cars and driving them off bridges so he
can videotape them and sell the footage on the Internet. I think. The movie does
a very poor job of convincing us that Cage is an underground hero. It's said a
couple of times and we're just suppose to accept it as gospel without being
shown Cage's popularity beyond one short party scene in the beginning.
Because of his extreme stunts using other people's
properties, Cage comes to the attention of Samuel Jackson's Gibbons. After one
of their agents is killed while trying to infiltrate a group of ex-Russian
soldiers-turned-criminals, the N.S.A. presses Cage into service against his
will, with the threat of a permanent trip to federal prison over his head. Cage
is sent to the Czech Republic, where he meets Yorgi (Marton Csokas), the leader
of those Russians in question. In short order, Cage learns that Yorgi is an
anarchist, and plans on spreading death and destruction by way of a poisonous
gas because he -- well, does it matter? Yorgi, like Bond villains, is a cartoon
character with a master plan for no-good that requires he be stopped. Nuff said.
"XXX" claims to be a movie about extreme sports,
but besides hiring popular skateboarder Tony Hawks and his fellow skaters/BMX
bikers to make lengthy cameos, there's very little "extreme" things
going on. At one point Cage uses a motorcycle like a skateboard, flying all over
a gunbattle like the thing had wings. In another scene (this one shown
extensively in the trailers) Cage snowboards down a snowy mountain after
triggering an avalanche behind him. The film might consider these action
sequences "extreme", but they're just elaborate set pieces that can be
found in any James Bond movie and has been for a long while now. I guess James
Bond was the first extreme sports hero, right?
"XXX" is to the James Bond movies what orphans
are to the parents who abandoned them. They look alike, sound alike, and may
have the same genes, but they're nothing alike. "XXX" enjoys its
sleaze and techno music, but has no charm or even the groan-inducing sexual puns
of your standard James Bond movie. In truth, "XXX" looks and feels
like "Die
Another Day" Lite, but without the sly humor or class. Or Halle Berry.
The less said about the story in "XXX" the
better. What passes for plot is a series of mindless party scenes and action
sequence that involves Diesel's Cage using a vehicle for stunts they were never
intended for. Perennial bad girl Asia Argento adds to the sleaze factor as
Yelena, Yorgi's main woman, who is drawn to bad boy Cage and vice versa. Samuel
L. Jackson ("Pulp Fiction") sports a scarred face and provides the
film with its only personality. Thank God for small miracles.
"XXX" is loud and stupid, and just when you
thought it couldn't get any worst, it gets even louder and more stupid. The
ending involves Cage chasing a runaway submarine that is -- get this -- solar
powered. The sequence seems to go on forever, but unfortunately it involves Cage
fighting with, uh, a submarine/boat, and that's absolutely no way to end a
movie. As every James Bond writer knows, James Bond has to fight the main bad
guy in the end or it just isn't very satisfying. Maybe "XXX" will
learn its lesson in the sequel, or perhaps Vin Diesel will let his fake tattoos
do the acting again.
By the way, what clever way will the studios come up with
to title the "XXX" sequel? Maybe "XXXX"? And the third in
the franchise can be " 
The
40-Year Old Virgin
(Unrated
Widescreen Edition)
Frank
Miller's Sin City
(Recut,
Extended, and Unrated)
Serenity
(Widescreen
Edition)
The
Great Raid
(Widescreen
Director's Cut) ", and so on. Just a thought.
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