The 5 Most Disappointing Movies of 2009

Why the Top 5 most disappointing movies of 2009? Probably because everyone and their momma will be doing a Best Of list as the new year rears its head, so why not do the opposite? That’s just how we roll around these here parts, bitches. Anyhoo. So, what exactly qualifies as a “disappointing” movie? A movie that disappoints you by not meeting your expectations. Yup, that’s all there is to it. You’ll also notice that the final three movies on our list (the top 3 stinkers, if you will) were all designed to jump-start franchises, and are open invitations for sequels. Hmm, I wonder if there is a correlation… But enough questions. Let’s get to the first movie on our list, shall we?

#5. Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino’s World War II fantasy didn’t so much disappoint as it, well, proved me right. I went into the film expecting a talk-fest, the kind of movie where the filmmaker is so obviously enamored with his (oft-praised) ability to write dialogue that you were gonna get plenty of it as a result. In “Inglourious Basterds”, people sit around and talk. About stuff. Then they stand up and move somewhere, not too far, though, just a little bit here or there, and talk some more stuff. Finally, some people get shot. A theater gets blown up. Almost everyone dies. The End. I suppose there’s something to be said about going into a movie expecting it to be something, and coming out realizing you were so right you’re kind of brilliant. Of course, a little part of me was hoping for something more along the lines of the “Kill Bill” films — lots and lots of chatter paid off with some amazing action set pieces. After all, this is World War II. An entire world at war! Leave it to Quentin Tarantino to make a war movie and forget to add, well, the war part of it. But to give credit where credit is due, I was rarely bored with “Inglourious Basterds”, though to be sure, I could have done without the 20-minute chat at the farm house to open the movie. Really, QT? Twenty minutes at a farm house? Now you’re just jerking off in public.

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#4. Funny People

According to many comedians who have seen Judd Apatow’s “Funny People”, this is exactly how comedians behave among other comedians. Basically, lots of brotherly back-stabbing, genital jokes, and trying to make the other guy as jealous of your success as possible. A sometimes funny, but incredibly awkward film to sit through, Apatow’s ode to the comedians he grew up with and learned from as a young buck will appeal to anyone who enjoys their comedy with some painfully human moments. Don’t get me wrong: “Funny People” isn’t on this list because I believe it’s a failure, but it is on this list because it doesn’t meet its own promise — it’s just not funny enough. It could very well be the most realistic take on the world of comedians ever put on celluloid, but it’s still not funny enough for me to recommend to people. I enjoyed it as a human drama, which it is at times brilliant at depicting, but I wanted to laugh, and I didn’t do nearly enough of that. A chuckle here or there, but for much of the running time I was squirming in my seat. That’s not what you want to be doing in a comedy.

———-*———-

#3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I played the “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” game after seeing the movie, and it was immeasurably more fun than having to sit through the convoluted and overlong mess that was the movie. It’s bad enough that the filmmakers give the impression they’ve never seen any of the previous “X-Men” films before writing and making “Origins”, but besides a brilliant and way too short appearance by Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, aka the Merc with a Mouth, Gavin Hood’s big shot at big-time Hollywood moviemaking is a monumental failure on pretty much every level. The script is all over the place, the characters don’t jive, and worst still, it’s just dull. This is definitely one of those movies where a decent director of big-budget action movies could have salvaged an otherwise mundane story. Instead, the studio decided to hand over their $150 million dollar movie to the guy who did “Rendition” and asked him to turn in a blockbuster. So as if to punish them for their idiocy, he gave them a movie stitched together with action scenes that seemed tailor made for trailers designed to impress Comic Con fanboys, and it’s only after he tried to put the actual movie together that he realized, “Uh oh, I done believe I’ve FUBAR’ed it.” You got that right, Gavin. But hey, maybe the sequel will be better.

———-*———-

#2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow! The Pit! Cobra Commander! Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols in skin-tight black leather! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right. Stephen Sommers! Shitty CGI! Accelerator Suits! Marlon Wayons! Channing Tatum! Lots, as it turns out. If you’ve already seen “Rise of Cobra”, I don’t have to convince you that this is one of the worst examples of toy-to-screen moviemaking. It’s as if the studio suits simply got together and decided, “You know what, people are going to see this movie, it doesn’t matter if we let the chimps write the script.” Which, in hindsight, might have been a better idea. Even chimps can write better dialogue and offer up better plotting than what we get here. The one thing that keeps “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” from being our #1 movie on the list? I actually expected it to be just as stupid and silly as it turned out to be. Of course, I didn’t expect it to be stupid, silly, and utterly and completely retard — er, I mean, mentally challenged — as well. Director Stephen Sommers has done some pretty good popcorn movies in the past (“The Mummy” franchise comes to mind), but there’s not even that glimmer of fun in “Rise of Cobra” that can usually be found in his films. Unless, of course, Cobra Commander mind-raping his sister so she’ll go around shooting people for him is your definition of “fun”. But hey, maybe the sequel will be better.

———-*———-

#1. Terminator Salvation

I can pinpoint to you the exact moment when “Terminator Salvation” went off the rails: when the writers came up with the name “Marcus Wright”. Don’t get me wrong, Sam Worthington ended up being the best thing about McG’s continuation to the franchise that James Cameron built, but if you were like me, you were waiting, finally, to see how John Connor led the human resistance against the machines. Apparently the writers and director McG had other, better ideas. Aa result, John Connor became a personality-free dick played by Christian Bale, whose many scenes in the movie felt like (because they were ) perfunctory screentime tacked on to justify having an A-lister like Bale in the role. Instead of watching humans rise from the ashes to fight back and gain a foothold against the machines, the film’s running time was split with Marcus Wright learning that he was a cyborg designed to trick John Connor, who spent the rest of the film running around doing … stuff. The film was loud, sloppy, moronic, and completely substance-free. Basically, “Charlie’s Angels 3″.

So why is “Terminator Salvation” at the top of the list? I’ll admit it, it’s kind of personal: I am a big, big, big fan of the “Terminator” franchise, so much so that I even liked the oft-ridiculed “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”. If nothing else, that movie presented the perfect opening for a “T4″. What we got instead was “Terminator Salvation.” See Hope spring. See Hope run to theater. See Hope utterly crushed beyond all recognition.

Sigh. What could have been… But hey, maybe the sequel will be better.

Boom! Swoosh! Transform! Now that's what I call The Best Terminator Movies Ever Made!

Boom! Swoosh! Transform! Now that's what I call The Best Terminator Movies Ever Made!



About Nix

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Editor/Writer at BeyondHollywood.com. Likes: long walks on the beach and Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic movies. Dislikes: 3D, shaky cam, and shaky cam in 3D. Got a site issue? Wanna submit Movie/TV news? Or to email me in regards to anything on the site, you can do so at nix (at) beyondhollywood.com.

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  • mr.trice

    i think there are much more crappy films! so i love basterds, terminator and wolverine…. gi joe story line and actors are crap but i like the ninja story in it and makes me feel to see much more. there are many ohter crap films and i mean realy crap… like streetfighter: legend of chun-li a fucking blabla film, bad fight sequences and too less… fans of the games (i played every fucking streetfighter game also watch the whole animes) stand up, go to the dvd player take the dvd and throw it to nirvana… no action, bad action wasted time. after the dragonball movie… holy crap… what the… you can see this movie as a “not dragonball movie” then its really nice but its a dragonball movie and its crap,crap,crap! these two films has a big fansize… and i know no one who said:”calm down… its a nice movie” but film on your list there are 50/50 someone said… “yeah its realy nice” whats with twilight? i read not one of the books… but i know its only a gay-ass-romance movie… but you watch the trailer and think hell yeah… there nice action in it and a nice look… so you go to the cinema pay 8,50 euro and watching a gay-lord movie… its the new titanic… boooooooooooooring… booooooooring! and what was with the spirit? there are only 3 scenes in it that makes you feel to watch the spirit… but the rest.. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! i love the comic book but the movie ist more boring, then boring… i think that movies are much more crap then the movies on your list! the terminator movie was nice… i know what you mean, but there are cool action, nice look, good actors and nice atmosphere in it… i love it :)

  • mr.trice

    i think there are much more crappy films! so i love basterds, terminator and wolverine…. gi joe story line and actors are crap but i like the ninja story in it and makes me feel to see much more. there are many ohter crap films and i mean realy crap… like streetfighter: legend of chun-li a fucking blabla film, bad fight sequences and too less… fans of the games (i played every fucking streetfighter game also watch the whole animes) stand up, go to the dvd player take the dvd and throw it to nirvana… no action, bad action wasted time. after the dragonball movie… holy crap… what the… you can see this movie as a “not dragonball movie” then its really nice but its a dragonball movie and its crap,crap,crap! these two films has a big fansize… and i know no one who said:”calm down… its a nice movie” but film on your list there are 50/50 someone said… “yeah its realy nice” whats with twilight? i read not one of the books… but i know its only a gay-ass-romance movie… but you watch the trailer and think hell yeah… there nice action in it and a nice look… so you go to the cinema pay 8,50 euro and watching a gay-lord movie… its the new titanic… boooooooooooooring… booooooooring! and what was with the spirit? there are only 3 scenes in it that makes you feel to watch the spirit… but the rest.. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! i love the comic book but the movie ist more boring, then boring… i think that movies are much more crap then the movies on your list! the terminator movie was nice… i know what you mean, but there are cool action, nice look, good actors and nice atmosphere in it… i love it :)

  • Duke

    Yeah, GI Joe was so bad that you went out and made it a HIT and paid good money for it to become the 3rd highest DVD owned in 2009.

    I have to say extremely proud of the GI Joe fans for supporting this film and the next 1 will be better than the 1st but still not the worst of 2009.

    As you can tell, I loved GI Joe as a cheesy popcorn action flick and nothing more.

    Agreed, Funny People wasn’t funny, X-Men Origins: Wolverine was pointless but GI Joe lived up to the cartoons as they were far to silly but enjoyable.

    Disappointed that Inglourious Basterds made the list, it was brilliant.

    My top 5 would be:

    5. Year One
    4. Land of the Lost
    3. Dragon Ball Evolution
    2. Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen
    1. Marley & Me (WHY)

    • http://www.originalgeekspodcast.com/ Dedpool aka Jiinx

      I thought “Rise of CObra” did a decent job of bringing a ridiculous concept to life. It was exactly what it should have been, the comic/cartoon come to life without some of the more over the top aspects. However I do have three huge complaints. 1: Cobra Commander’s final look. I understand wanting to keep the eyes so you can see some expression, but then they should’ve gone with the hood, and had the mask under. Also his costume was crap. I wantto see something closer to the more military look he’s been given in the comics and recent toys. 2: Destro’s head. That was the ONE place the CG really looked bad. It was a great way of doing it so his head is shiny and still have a moving mouth, but the head should have been smoother. It looked like it was freshly hammered out on an anvil. And 3: This is the biggest. NO LIPS ON SNAKE EYES!!! They were far more distracting to me than Dr. Manhattan’s blue member ( I swear people were just looking for it). There are scenes in the movie when they’re at “The Pit” and Snake Eyes isn’t wearing his full gear, and the mask he wears is perfect. NO LIPS!!

      And as for Basterd’s being on the list…
      “I could have done without the 20-minute chat at the farm house to open the movie. Really, QT? Twenty minutes at a farm house? Now you’re just jerking off in public.” And yet EVERY CRITIC praised this scene because of Chrispoh Waltz’s “Hans Landa.” Expecting QT to make a straight action flick is crazy. Think about Kill Bill. Half of it wasn’t even full on action. Taken as a whole Kill Bill pts 1&2 was 50% dialogue and character and 50% action and that was because that’s what the story dictated. Blame the marketing execs for marketing it as an action oriented film, not the movie for being exactly what you’d expect from QT. A dialogue heavy chracter driven flick with a few action set pieces.

      • j.james

        Thankyou Dedpool!! You nailed the part about Basterds! couldn’t have said it better myself. I thought Basterds was brilliant and its only because of peoples misconception of Tarantino as an action guy that people tend not to like his films. I praise him for his awesome and extremely great dialogue and his interesting characters and their development. People looked at Kill bill vol.1 and thought tarantino was an action dude. Like i said before if you really look deeply into all of his films he really stays around the 70/30 ratio of dialogue and action. its because he does action so well that people tend to remember that the most from his films. Once again nice point Dedpool!

  • Duke

    Yeah, GI Joe was so bad that you went out and made it a HIT and paid good money for it to become the 3rd highest DVD owned in 2009.

    I have to say extremely proud of the GI Joe fans for supporting this film and the next 1 will be better than the 1st but still not the worst of 2009.

    As you can tell, I loved GI Joe as a cheesy popcorn action flick and nothing more.

    Agreed, Funny People wasn’t funny, X-Men Origins: Wolverine was pointless but GI Joe lived up to the cartoons as they were far to silly but enjoyable.

    Disappointed that Inglourious Basterds made the list, it was brilliant.

    My top 5 would be:

    5. Year One
    4. Land of the Lost
    3. Dragon Ball Evolution
    2. Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen
    1. Marley & Me (WHY)

    • Dedpool

      I thought “Rise of CObra” did a decent job of bringing a ridiculous concept to life. It was exactly what it should have been, the comic/cartoon come to life without some of the more over the top aspects. However I do have three huge complaints. 1: Cobra Commander’s final look. I understand wanting to keep the eyes so you can see some expression, but then they should’ve gone with the hood, and had the mask under. Also his costume was crap. I wantto see something closer to the more military look he’s been given in the comics and recent toys. 2: Destro’s head. That was the ONE place the CG really looked bad. It was a great way of doing it so his head is shiny and still have a moving mouth, but the head should have been smoother. It looked like it was freshly hammered out on an anvil. And 3: This is the biggest. NO LIPS ON SNAKE EYES!!! They were far more distracting to me than Dr. Manhattan’s blue member ( I swear people were just looking for it). There are scenes in the movie when they’re at “The Pit” and Snake Eyes isn’t wearing his full gear, and the mask he wears is perfect. NO LIPS!!

      And as for Basterd’s being on the list…
      “I could have done without the 20-minute chat at the farm house to open the movie. Really, QT? Twenty minutes at a farm house? Now you’re just jerking off in public.” And yet EVERY CRITIC praised this scene because of Chrispoh Waltz’s “Hans Landa.” Expecting QT to make a straight action flick is crazy. Think about Kill Bill. Half of it wasn’t even full on action. Taken as a whole Kill Bill pts 1&2 was 50% dialogue and character and 50% action and that was because that’s what the story dictated. Blame the marketing execs for marketing it as an action oriented film, not the movie for being exactly what you’d expect from QT. A dialogue heavy chracter driven flick with a few action set pieces.

      • j.james

        Thankyou Dedpool!! You nailed the part about Basterds! couldn’t have said it better myself. I thought Basterds was brilliant and its only because of peoples misconception of Tarantino as an action guy that people tend not to like his films. I praise him for his awesome and extremely great dialogue and his interesting characters and their development. People looked at Kill bill vol.1 and thought tarantino was an action dude. Like i said before if you really look deeply into all of his films he really stays around the 70/30 ratio of dialogue and action. its because he does action so well that people tend to remember that the most from his films. Once again nice point Dedpool!

  • http://last-airbender-movie.com/ last airbender

    A few years ago the Cartoon TV network Nickelodeon started to broadcast a new animate TV sho titled ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ (also known as ‘Avatar: The Legend of Aang’ in several countries). It has since been a real success winning both critics’ appraisal and public acclaim.
    So no wonder that Hollywood is already working on a live-action trilogy adaptation. The project is tackled by Director M. Night Shyamalan who has been introduced to the show by his own daughter who is a dedicated fan of Aang’s adventures.

    But a dispute with James Cameron’s film Avatar regarding title ownership resulted in the first movie being titled The Last Airbender.
    The Last Airbender is waiting for a release in Summer 2010.

    The Plot:

    “The story follows the adventures of the successor to a long line of Avatars who must put aside his irresponsible ways and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations.” (Source: IMDb)

  • http://last-airbender-movie.com last airbender

    A few years ago the Cartoon TV network Nickelodeon started to broadcast a new animate TV sho titled ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ (also known as ‘Avatar: The Legend of Aang’ in several countries). It has since been a real success winning both critics’ appraisal and public acclaim.
    So no wonder that Hollywood is already working on a live-action trilogy adaptation. The project is tackled by Director M. Night Shyamalan who has been introduced to the show by his own daughter who is a dedicated fan of Aang’s adventures.

    But a dispute with James Cameron’s film Avatar regarding title ownership resulted in the first movie being titled The Last Airbender.
    The Last Airbender is waiting for a release in Summer 2010.

    The Plot:

    “The story follows the adventures of the successor to a long line of Avatars who must put aside his irresponsible ways and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations.” (Source: IMDb)

  • better than that

    G.I. JOE was good…only if Channing Tatum wasn’t cast in it. He ruined the movie with his lame acting.

  • better than that

    G.I. JOE was good…only if Channing Tatum wasn’t cast in it. He ruined the movie with his lame acting.

  • john

    Terminator Salvation (great film) think about it no Mrs Cameron polluting the screen, the same can be said for edward furlong ( pet cemetary 2 still gives me all the wrong shivers), a fresh story with no stale time travel angle and best of all an arnie twice the size of the orignals T-800 model, what more can you ask for besides christina Lokens tits expanding on demand. For no other reason than this final point T-salvation was a great film because it proved that the only man hard enough to play batman and John connor is a Welsh Man.

  • john

    Terminator Salvation (great film) think about it no Mrs Cameron polluting the screen, the same can be said for edward furlong ( pet cemetary 2 still gives me all the wrong shivers), a fresh story with no stale time travel angle and best of all an arnie twice the size of the orignals T-800 model, what more can you ask for besides christina Lokens tits expanding on demand. For no other reason than this final point T-salvation was a great film because it proved that the only man hard enough to play batman and John connor is a Welsh Man.