I was taught, in school, that when you write a journalistic article that you never write in the first person. I just broke that rule. That’s going to be the first of many in this brief and very caustic review for The Cook – Unrated, produced by The Cook Movie, LLC and Red Gourmet Productions and distributed by Anchor Bay Entertainment. There, they’ve had their plug. Now, the guilty will be blamed… personally.
I watch movies because they entertain me and help me step outside myself for a moment and, if I’m lucky, teach me something worthwhile. I watch horror movies because I like being scared, once in awhile. Blame too many summers spent at camp hearing and telling ghost stories with friends around the fire. When I watch a horror film I want to be horrified. I want to empathize with characters that I care about and am afraid for or even, in the case of really good horror films, like The Ring, fear for my own life. It’s a brief moment of mortal fear that you can come back from with a sense of deeper appreciation for all the joys in your life. The dark nights help you enjoy the sunshine. The only thing really dark about The Cook – Unrated is the red dye #7 that they obviously found in bulk.
The storyline for this movie reads like the warped fantasy of a twisted sixteen year old nerd. The basic premise is that a group of girls at the Lambda Epsilon Zeta sorority house stay home, instead of joining their sisters in Cabo San Lucas, for a long holiday weekend and indulge in all manor of excesses, including meals prepared by their strange, homocidal, Hungarian cook. The DVD case claims that the girls party, play sex games and enjoy strangely delicious meals, that turn out to be their missing friends. Instead, what you really get are boring scenes of girls watching movies, drinking, by my count, four quarts of tequila, swearing like sailors, doing a ton of drugs, playing board games and voyeuristic scenes of bondage, masturbation and one sex scene with a geek who talks to his penis.
It’s not a horror film, it’s someone’s seriously depraved attempt at humor and pornography. It doesn’t succeed in ANY of these genres. One thing it does well is offend in just about every possible way, including demeaning college women by portraying them as clueless reprobates who use language that is so repulsive it’s beyond nasty, it’s hateful. I found myself wondering how any of these women could live in the same zip code because of how badly they treat one another. By the time the cook gets around to killing any of them you might be hoping that you’re next. Don’t expect the rest of the movie to be anything beyond dull and nauseatingly predictable.
Let me be perfectly clear, if you enjoy horror/comedy movies that do NOT scare you, make you laugh or even think, this one’s a bullseye. It’s got just enough low-budget gore to be gross and more than enough infantile humor to make it something just short of moronic. However, it’s far too simple to be appropriate for anyone over seventeen and far too graphic and wildly distasteful to be appropriate for anyone younger. Actually, people who produce movies like this thoroughly irritate me because they just can’t seem to understand that with horror films this bad the real victims are viewers who really shouldn’t be watching it, anyway.
Gregg Simon (director) / Nicholas Bonomo, Francisco Rodriguez, Dirk Van Fleet (screenplay)
CAST: Mark Hengst … The Cook
Makinna Ridgway … Amy
Kit Paquin … Bunny
Penny Drake … Anastasia
Nina Fehren … Brooke