The Three Musketeers Rides Again. Why? Cause They Can, Biotch.

If it wasn’t for the ability to revive dead characters long forgotten by the world and cinema, there wouldn’t be a Millennium Films. In that respect, the people behind Millennium Films are like the maggots that feeds on your Grandma when you put her into the ground, thinking she’ll be heading on the express train to Heaven when in fact she’s getting her face chewed off by fattening, squirming maggots. (Contact Gorilla Nation to advertise with us, Millennium Films!)

Millennium Films’ latest acquisition is Alexandre Dumas’ public domain tale of the Three Musketeers, which this Variety article tells me consists of some guys named Athos, Porthos and Aramis, and then later, a fourth member name D’Artagnan. Which kinda makes them the four musketeers, but apparently this Dumas guy had trouble counting. I weep for the French public education system. Well, not really, but in theory, I do.

Millennium Films is already feasting on the bones of a “Conan” and “Buck Rogers” revival, and has a second installment in the “Rambo” revival chugging along with Sly pitting Rambo against illegal Mexican immigrants trying to cross the U.S.-Mexico border. That’ll teach them to seek out a better life.

Here’s Millennium Films’ take on why they’re rehashing fictional dead dudes:

“There aren’t many branded properties like this out there, and it is a seller’s market for the high-profile ones,” said [Millennium Films’ Joe] Gatta, who hatched the idea for the film. “You can either build one from scratch or find the ones that are available and of interest to audiences, which we did with Conan and Buck Rogers.”

“Hatched the idea for the film”? What exactly does that entail, pray tell, seeing “Man in the Iron Mask” on TNT by accident one night while he was going through a bout of insomnia? Joe, you dog.

Maybe they can get a black guy to play one of the musketeers like in the bill for this “Three Musketeers” play, below. That would be so PC awesome. I hear Chris Tucker isn’t doing anything right now…

The Three Musketeers