Trailer for Uwe Boll’s Stoic

German director Uwe Boll is beloved by movie fandom, that much is not in doubt. How else can you make a movie called “Stoic” that no one has heard of, or probably seen, and it’s already gotten a lowly 2.8 (out of 10) rating on Mind you, this film has no distribution, and most people have not seen it. And yet, that didn’t stop 249 people from going onto and giving it a low grade, including 164 that gave it a score of 1 (out of 10). Then again, I suppose you could argue that the 164 were just trying to balance out the 57 people that gave the film a 10 out of 10 star rating.

You need obsessive fans for that kind of dedication, don’t you know it. Alas, these obsessive fans are more likely to be obsessively in hate with ol Uwe Boll, which explains why they’re already kicking him in the gonads even before his movie has been seen.

So what’s “Stoic” about? See below, and marvel at the wonders.

A heated game of poker causes three men incarcerated for nonviolent offenses to brutalize their cellmate before taking drastic measures in order to cover up their crime.

The film stars Edward Furlong, formerly of “Terminator: Judgment Day” and other movies that didn’t require you to stumble onto them during a late-night raiding of your local Blockbuster. That was then, this is now. It also co-stars Sam Levinson, Steffen, Shaun Sipos, Jamie Switch, and Michael Teigen.

The film is supposedly based on a true story, one of two that Boll is trying to resurrect his career with. The other is a true story about the Darfur genocide formerly called “Janjaweed”, since retitled simply “Darfur”.

The cast of “Stoic” were so committed they actually slept in the cell on the Vancouver set for a month, and according to THR, actor Shaun Sipos even ate an actual tube of toothpaste for the movie. Though sadly, the vomit Sipos ate in the movie was fake. I’m shocked and disappointed.